Ballythefireside’s contribution is predominantly ‘off the ball’, looking at both hurling and football and is much to do with the GAA in the wider community and economy. It was therefore decided to release it later on and so that it doesn’t muddy the waters with the ‘on the ball’ commentary around Eugene McGee's Football Review.
The contribution identifies realistic opportunities pertaining to amateur status, finance, suicide, cúpla focal and engagement/wedding/welding of Northern/Southern GAA cultures. Hopefully the removal of trivial obstacles will allow the light to shine through in these difficult times.
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus cúpla focal sean-nós
Getting over the fence and going on to win is more about lifting the undercarriage rather than raising the head
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Ventry Harboured - dedicated to Páidí Ó Sé RIP
This is an update of the condolence left on Páidí's site that we would like to share. The word inspiration comes to mind, the final test of a man.
We learned that Páidí was also a story teller and it reminds of a tale we penned entitled Too Beautiful Kerrymen, one being the Ard Rí himself. It is the first result in Google search and while it tells it's own story of our subsequent encounters, there is an irony here of a good looking seanchaí, although the elephant in the room is more iron we hasten to add, more walk the walk than talk the talk.
Along with his late brother Micheál, Páidí was also part of Efficiency, on and off the pitch, well he would be wouldn’t he? And we could well dedicate Different Kings of Kingdom to the man himself. These are all poems at Ballythefireside and we hope we are not overdoing it here but he’d hardly want us to suppress the inspiration!
What we would certainly like to dedicate to him, and because we just penned it on his day of passing, is Ventry Harboured. The cúpla focail therein reminds of the novices of ’75, one of Páidí’s own abiding memories, and in that vein hopefully his kin might pardon our own novice Gaeilge.
Sincere condolences to all his families. RIP Páidí.
Ventry Harboured
The King is dead, long live The King
never far away, he remains nigh
He feared nothing or nobody
looking danger in the eye
There be no frontier beyond fear
he didn’t have to say goodbye
Spirit be eternal and never far away
it neither relents nor dies
From the throne of The Kingdom of Kerry
did ár Ard Rí know it was time to rise
A monarch moving his cushion up to succession
to an almighty seat beyond in neighbouring Kingdom Heavenly high
Ár Ard Rí ó Ard a Bhóthair cradled his own Kingdom
a rock always protecting kin and clan from threat and harm
Now tired, his soul lifts other lonely spirits
as he rests, now rocked in another King’s arms
Called away early from clutches of Ceann Trá for mysterious reason
not here long enough, but the best of times always fly
Unusual as he be consumed of passion and full of energy
why he abdicated, nobody could ever figure out why
A different position, a new boot camp role to play
ratified mega-mecca-merger Kingpin in inter-Kingdom medium ploy?
A new challenge, another hopeless undertaking
an endurance that only the paranormal would even try?
Tasked to break another barrier of possibility
reinvigorating the mystic Kerry Ingredient that underlies?
Of battle-hardened army captains, he be at the top table
that rare breed who from scary situation never shy
Come what may we won't be found wanting in cut-and-thrust
once we abide by what wiser marshal counsel would prescribe
Always saved the best for last, life in the auld Alpha dog yet
if things be tight in heat of battle, he be guardian by our side
Is it that he beamed himself into secret pocket of outer space
as darkness quenches daylight and cloud of enigma shades our lives?
An enclave where theology and philosophy of gamesmanship be formulated
without fear of interruption and out of orb of spy
This nerve centre of excellence where classified intelligence be investigated
and baffling planetary challenges of enormity be diced and spliced
Covert campus research laboratory where cryptic spirit code be deciphered
risks carefully defined and quantified, no throwing of the dice
Rigorous observation and all avenues of ideology be exhausted
if solutions to global problems in art and science of sportsmanship be devised
Discoveries must be thoroughly validated and unanimously sanctioned
before specifics of solution be deployed and roll-out schedule finalised
Is it that cover of darkness serves to blot out the irrelevant
so key identifiers and underlying conditions be clearly analysed?
Then heretofore incomprehensible and bizarre issues may be overcome
through sound and sustainable re-jig, modification and solar system realign
Only natural visionaries pick up on fine detail in absence of daylight
invisible vital signs that evade detection by the normal naked eye
Another elusive, complex, trace element of The Kerry Ingredient
be that Castlegregory carrot nurtured supra-optical cat's eyes device
If it be that the combined expertise on this planet couldn't crack it
then the last resort be to task those gone up ahead to almighty shrine
When all else fails their diverse resources will be pooled and mobilised
as they now be the sole authority on matters requiring intervention divine
As light dispels darkness and quest of solution again bothers
revelation be exposed to suffering souls below the skies
Ultimate field trials with sample cross-section of population be undertaken
he now above was once of rare inspired genius among us in disguise
The solar axis be gambled on the outcome
getting it wrong could lead to imbalance and demise
For such fundamental fact and fiction realities
there be no room for compromise
There be no guesstimate or estimate
inter-kingdom medium code be encrypted and so concise
For every problem there be but one single solution
simply finding the dartboard not be taking out the bull's eye
The margin of error in spiritual messaging be nil
wavelength, frequency, bandwidth and phase must be spot-on between allies
Glitch in bush telegraph technology often incurs the ultimate price
that be forfeiture of first place and with it pride
For the winner there be everything
life’s secret jewels be the prize
For losers there be the big cabinet bare of wares to dust
a walk in the park but no cake and of eternal pain a slice
K Man himself be but a bouncy ball of cellular memory at birth
and takes but eternal satisfaction away on physical demise
On earth he be the standard bearer of human gene set
enhancing it as custodian of The Kerry Way so wise
Fighting as King for Kingdom
keeping all matter of threat at bay
Worthy of the geansaí jersey
then passing on the legacy baton at close of play
Connect intra and inter-Kingdom magnetic fields he will
weaving web of conduit through which guidance from above be relayed
He will ensure the sun shines through dark cloud
for Lordly communication be transmitted in solar ray
Master schedule be downloaded overnight
outlining operational duties and tactics for the following day
Commanding officers be summoned to higher office
for tête-à-tête if instruction not be obeyed
Tuning into and feeding from his psyche energy
stirs supernatural militia warrior trait in K Mankind
Freedom of spirit be the ultimate all-conquering force
executes game-plan and strategy to limits of humanity defy
His shaft of leading light will show the way out of choppy waters
if we succumb to incursion or to victory we be blind
If we ever leave it late again and the enemy breaks the line
that his intervention prevents a cave-in will hardly surprise
Preserving bragging rights over old foe be paramount
given half a chance they’d plant flaming blood 'n' bandages flag up our behind
So how to grind out a win and salvage pride in turmoil
he will with ruthless rage and rigour remind
Pacing play, trademark theatrical tirading, inspiring perspiration
rousing and rallying his rangers with rogue, brogue roars and sighs
A nation holding its breath and he terra-firma, hands on hips, macho mantra orator
bawling and bellowing of bombastic, ballistic, berserk, boyish cries
Effing 'n' blinding, throwing the hands in the air
kick-starting troops with a well deserved big toe where the sun don't shine
Laughing one minute, fist pumping, then seconds later sensing danger
in the next parish he’d be heard swearing blind
The clap in the back for effort
be but six inches from a kick up the arse reality reminder
Results at the end of the day is all that ever matter
no good just mucking about, half-heartedly trying
Winning responds to those who themselves answer the call to arms
soldiers of fortune who renounce adherence to boundary lines
Kamikaze mercenaries of steel who make it out of bear-pit warfare
intact, able bodied, unscathed, on top, alive
It not be enough to just show up, tog out and man station
oasis of battlefield be a place for only the guerrilla guile
Some go through the motion of clocking in for the shift
while others be resolved to staying the final extra mile
Passive puretians on holiday from reality cede control
leaking possession to ruthless enemy agile
Life of leisure be for chauffeured backseat passengers
taken on scenic route by designated driver on a jolly ride
Bulls eyeing the bull's eye does the visionary leader on the rampage
chef de mission navigating so Team Kerry survives
In all cylinders he must combust of incendiary explosion
at all times Apollo lift off from full after-burner fire
Taking bouts of blistering brute hits for the side
orthodox religion not to feign foul or fall when gored
Tunnel visioned of scoreboard ticker ratchet between the posts
concealing pain from tormentor while cowards fake injury and dive overboard
Solo acceleration out of close encounter in conflict carnage of blood and guts
the bogey martyr matador just yelled back, demanding more and more
Dropping the head and crying foul in heat of battle be unheard of
how he flourished, spooked opponents couldn't dance with the acrobatic hoor
Rise to the bait though did the enemy from all quarters
then ricochet into the ground with the perpetrator just ignoring
Personifying that there be no difference between
passion and power, pain and gain, balls and brawn, sore and score
When the floundering enemy hoped he had died a death, he just laughed
then joked that only one man gets out of his games alive
Comforting them that if there be a break in play and as medium power
he'd administer last rites if of misadventure they couldn't be revived
He of privileged tough background be the ultimate animal hunter gatherer
of ravenous killer instinct coupled with almighty power and drive
Friends with everybody out of business hours
but adversary will never infringe the corridor of power that be his half-back line
Best proceed with caution on touchy subject on social occasion
many the unfortunate boozing buddy misread 'funny peculiar' as 'funny ha-ha' vibe
Is ait an mac an saol when conversing back West Kerry way
punishment can vary for stray gibe jibe
K Man always be armed and dangerous so safer to avoid talking shop
worst of all be to cast doubt or park insult on forefather of tribe
Even Ballythefireside best be careful not to foul like others
as spiritual intervention be known to conclude career of scribe
Minor incursion be forgiven and forgotten
if settled be a round or maybe to poor box subscribe
Otherwise to guillotine operator or hangman
might have to be paid the bribe
Setting the modus-operandi standard be K Man legacy
dictating the rules by which subjects shalt forthwith abide
Typical of his own compulsive follow-through
from above he will henceforth keep close watchful eye
Sticking religiously to his gospel scripture
many a contentious issue it will for his Kingdom decide
As those of ancestral bombshell character reign supreme
denying victory to little boys who get to eat humble pie
Headstrong and tough beneath but not pet toff show-off
nor blue sea, showboat, exhibitionist sailing by
Conspicuous by his absence, yet we live safe in the know
that he be ever-present, probably spying from the sky
His familiar kindle echo of vivid tone implores
sparks fusilier fire in the belly imploding thunderous reply
As we dig deeper, go in heavier and hit harder
his possessive streak with our inferno grassroot fibre intertwines
His heart-pound piles on us of immense, intense, upward-only pressure
the well of inherent inspiration shalt never dry
In defining moment we must always trump his ask
from first light to when the stakes soar highest
Intoxicated of spirited sucker punch, not kid-glove
shade we will potential dead heat match-up and tie
He must never ever be betrayed by insult of failure
to do so contradicts constitution code and cast of dye
Stepping up to the mark and equal to the spirit
ensures steady stream of Celtic Cross supply
Otherwise he be faced with the worst kind of fucking animals
as blood thirsty fanatics frenzy of public butchery and decry
Of anything less than perpetual fixity of tenure
proud Kingdom worshipers lament and be liable to take swipe
Respect for the jersey geansaí not be acting the clothes hanger
giving it all be the absolute minimum to earning stripes
Faithful cheerleaders not be of prawn sandwich or champagne cocktail
nor dainty shod, tattooed, peroxides or hosannas from high
More one-mud-guarded, Massey Ferguson, porter men who know their football
more matter of fact supporters than fib, fad, fantasy and hype
Fear go an-bródúil agus sásta ar fad i 1985
ag ardú An Chorn Somhairle Mag Uidhir
Athas o chroi a glacadh ar ais go Ceann Trá
go Daingean Uí Chúis agus a mhuintir féin arís
Codladh samh a ghaiscígh i Árd Neamh
anois ó Árd a Bhóthair hotbed-rock suas an staighre
Agus gan dabht beidh buachaill Corca Dhuibhne ag leanúint do
ag tóg staighre Hogan arís chun ardú Mag Uidhir
All he wishes is for his compatriots to carry on
just as he guarded crown jewels from nightfall
There be wars to be fought and won
so his subjects will oblige mandate of Heavenly call
When crops were light and prospects bleak and daunting
ear to the ground, between the rocks he did for talent trawl
Left no stone unturned as was his style, mining minors
a maestro with attention to detail great and small
Faced down rut of bogey barren patch when threshold be breached
double dip recession and bugbear emigration, then dip in form
Laid his reputation on the line by declaring for his Kingdom
unconditional commitment to restore olde world order
Staked claim he would deliver against all odds
the endgame system blueprint he would transform
Mentored another kick out of comeback kids
so at the top of their game they again performed
Drilled and instilled confidence, manifesting self-belief
igniting goalden snipers to protocol nous conform
Incubated rookies uncoiled, now cutting loose as battle-ready soldiers
blooded then blended with simmering veteran rank and file, in fighting form
Toughening tender juveniles through taste of threat
tint of taunt and task of toil and trouble in pilot crisis
Comfort zoned beyond infinity, having joined the dots
autumn footballers became them, men for all seasons of campaign war
Eyeball eyeballing eyeball, master's pupil pupiling pupil's pupil
a great staring a great in the making, nobody blinking
A great making a great, putting him to the sword
a great rekindling a great, mutual understanding of purpose now reconciled
Relished inflicting torture chamber that he himself as child soldier endured
revival of O'Dwyer's deadly, devious, dizzy rounds and 'wire to wires'
Sweat, blood and tears of renewed ritual of concentration boot camp
passionate struggle that would only ever end in tears of joy
Regaling iron age and crowning glories, not 'do as I say, but as I did'
made for easy adoption of mandated ruthless regime of resilience
Primitive affirmation of his own golden era of natural predator fellowship
of unrelenting commitment, persistence and perseverance, playing hardball
Led by example with authority of absolute self-sacrifice
camaraderie brought everyone on board, an academy giving it their all
A time and a place for everything, no amnesty for waywards wintering well
'till end of season would wait celebratory demon black-stuff pub crawl
Turned the tide and ended losing streak by blitzing hysteria
on ghost of negativity creepy-crawling into heads did his gavel fall
Of famine to feast of football festival, he fed the funnel
atonement of champions crown he would forthwith reinstall
Embodied and bolstered his brute charges, emboldened the determination
primed and fuelled the engines, relaying the tracks going with the fall
Unclamped the wheels for sporting revolution with all hell breaking loose
to cargo home the annual Croker canister haul
Fir ó Ceann Trá be of uncivil vow not exchanged
but Kerrygenic bound of consummate performance and to enthral
Unbreakable legacy of class act chain reaction since the beginning of time
just as never penetrated was that man-concrete wall
Giant of navigatóir instinct and noble intuition
armour clad of lethal thorned therapy finery of shocking turbo charge
Intrinsically fortified of matching ambition, giving it a lash
for showdown challenge he be naturally forearmed
Whatever it be about him but he lay in anticipation
potential problems he had read before threat materialised
And so the enemy already be cornered and spancelled
their plans scuppered before trouble transpired
Ever prepared for conflict zone up ahead
even of minute detail he be fully informed
It be a shroud itself within Kerry Ingredient sixth-sense theory
that by some spirit he be secretly forewarned
Roaming Croker sterned of flashing steel array
every blade of grass of the four corners would be worn
A wild and vicious, defending and attacking, Nomadic werewolf
camouflage hooped in Sunday best regalia geansaí glas-bán-óir
At the setting of the sun man retires
having led from pillar to post, all day having fun
A destructive, spark grinding rambler and vapour trailblazing leader
of aerial trouble-shooting terrain traction second to none
Walked the walk, paces ahead; talked the walk to eager son
always fought the fight, past master's work now be done
Tomorrow instilled of line of orthodox history
immune to invasion be the family fort firewall
Another day of active battle service flushing out the enemy
another troupe of vintage storm troops, a new dawn
Only the very rarest of inter-planetary spiritual leaders
from foot-soldier through leadership to divinity be drawn
Aboriginal playboy princes of back Western Kerry world be called up en masse
unless opt out they be thrown in deep for sink or swim test and trial
Hail mary hoofing lados of funky-monkey imagination straying unsighted
those take to tame and tempered of footmanship by patriarch be chosen
Such odyssey for the ordinary be a step too far
a community service denied, a humdrum hope forlorn
False notion above their station
oath not required to be sworn
A new line of dogmatic defenders coming through on the conveyer belt
groundsmen of his dead stamp of persuasion be born
Towering aircrafty sky-scraper space-invaders
and attacking crosshair sniper goalminers be the norm
Armies be assembled of leading brigadier luminary light
lightening strike fused to battalion of foot-soldiers in top form
Ár Ard Rí to rouse and rally roaming raging rebels running amok
rising ferocious fight of wild Atlantic thunderstorm
As the sun now sets on Ventry Harbour
kindred spirit creeps into sleeping soul from nightfall
Dreams and aspirations capture hibernating heart
so he be possessed of the will to fight and conquer all
And just as title rights to land pass down from father to son
so does the skill to farm field and exceed quota call
And just as in gift of privilege be wrapped responsibility
so he will raise the bar of dynasty protocol
And just as luck be preparation meeting opportunity
the groundwork will be done when rota calls
And just as the seed sown in arable soil shalt take root
so too will be reaped bumper autumn golden Celtic Cross windfall
And so the fitting one will oblige of family tradition
as gravitas of cast of indigenous spell into emotions crawl
And just as the sun will rise again
he resilient of honour of line of descent shalt walk tall
And just as kinetic energy powers inspiration
obligation pings kinship gear with prodigy call
And so interlocked, he be ejected skyward from native hallowed turf
Carrantuohilling all around him, fielding Croker ball
And just as the ball lobs dangerously around the house
opportunity and threat always arise but seldom warn
So ready and waiting must be the anointed saintly scholar
to seize clean possession from break of morn
And on that final day when the bequeathed son stands alone
fused of ethnic brinkmanship virtue and the banister be gone
Will the weight be taken by the shoulders of the psyched up
the impulsive; the craving, man maniac; the right and fitting brotherhood?
That he fulfils pledge to negotiate the roundabouts and stairways
geared and traction calibrated to win his one-on-ones
Balanced for camber in clash and crush of climb and fall
positive charged, for there be territory to be defended and won
Arising energised, ar Ard Rí rekindles outright, onslaught
explosive limbering energy, onto battlefield cannon-balled
A detonating war-head, impossible to contain
of dominant strain of purest pedigree thunderstorm
Naturally gifted of flawless intent and tempered brain
blitzkrieg of rocket science to man sky and comb Croker lawn
Bold 'n' brave 'n' single minded, obsessed of his game
thunder whacked of peerless might of force of brawn
Deployed to live out his dream, the fitting son uncoiled and rose
protege claiming catch of the day from The Godfather Bawn
And so to mhac an spiorad saol will always
the fabled glas-bán-óir geansaí jersey fall
Cometh the day
cometh the hour
cometh the man
Harboured thoughts of Kingdom brethren history
from daylight into dusk to dark through dream to dawn
Embedded and incarnated of K Man future-telling sixth sense-ation
from dawn to dusk in Ventry hotbedrock do they spawn
P.S. This was merely a pen holding exercise, honestly, not pen pushers we be, well obviously, not, and there is a lot to follow, obviously. As with the Ard Rí himself, the first cut was only the novice announcing his arrival. If you doubt it then just ask Dinny Allen. We only penned it alright, he walked the walk, we penned the walk, now you talk the pen, the talk!
Bleedin' Jacks
"There is a smell of fish here Pat"
"there will be a smell of something else here shortly Jack"
"Did you travel up by bus or train Pat?"
"what it a bus or a train that hit you there Jack?
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla Focal Sean-nós
“It would be asier to go over you than around you” – An observation of a player in his first training session back, having Wintered well, very well, too well, Oh The Boyos of The Black Stuff, hard stuff!
We learned that Páidí was also a story teller and it reminds of a tale we penned entitled Too Beautiful Kerrymen, one being the Ard Rí himself. It is the first result in Google search and while it tells it's own story of our subsequent encounters, there is an irony here of a good looking seanchaí, although the elephant in the room is more iron we hasten to add, more walk the walk than talk the talk.
Along with his late brother Micheál, Páidí was also part of Efficiency, on and off the pitch, well he would be wouldn’t he? And we could well dedicate Different Kings of Kingdom to the man himself. These are all poems at Ballythefireside and we hope we are not overdoing it here but he’d hardly want us to suppress the inspiration!
What we would certainly like to dedicate to him, and because we just penned it on his day of passing, is Ventry Harboured. The cúpla focail therein reminds of the novices of ’75, one of Páidí’s own abiding memories, and in that vein hopefully his kin might pardon our own novice Gaeilge.
Sincere condolences to all his families. RIP Páidí.
Ventry Harboured
The King is dead, long live The King
never far away, he remains nigh
He feared nothing or nobody
looking danger in the eye
There be no frontier beyond fear
he didn’t have to say goodbye
Spirit be eternal and never far away
it neither relents nor dies
From the throne of The Kingdom of Kerry
did ár Ard Rí know it was time to rise
A monarch moving his cushion up to succession
to an almighty seat beyond in neighbouring Kingdom Heavenly high
Ár Ard Rí ó Ard a Bhóthair cradled his own Kingdom
a rock always protecting kin and clan from threat and harm
Now tired, his soul lifts other lonely spirits
as he rests, now rocked in another King’s arms
Called away early from clutches of Ceann Trá for mysterious reason
not here long enough, but the best of times always fly
Unusual as he be consumed of passion and full of energy
why he abdicated, nobody could ever figure out why
A different position, a new boot camp role to play
ratified mega-mecca-merger Kingpin in inter-Kingdom medium ploy?
A new challenge, another hopeless undertaking
an endurance that only the paranormal would even try?
Tasked to break another barrier of possibility
reinvigorating the mystic Kerry Ingredient that underlies?
Of battle-hardened army captains, he be at the top table
that rare breed who from scary situation never shy
Come what may we won't be found wanting in cut-and-thrust
once we abide by what wiser marshal counsel would prescribe
Always saved the best for last, life in the auld Alpha dog yet
if things be tight in heat of battle, he be guardian by our side
Is it that he beamed himself into secret pocket of outer space
as darkness quenches daylight and cloud of enigma shades our lives?
An enclave where theology and philosophy of gamesmanship be formulated
without fear of interruption and out of orb of spy
This nerve centre of excellence where classified intelligence be investigated
and baffling planetary challenges of enormity be diced and spliced
Covert campus research laboratory where cryptic spirit code be deciphered
risks carefully defined and quantified, no throwing of the dice
Rigorous observation and all avenues of ideology be exhausted
if solutions to global problems in art and science of sportsmanship be devised
Discoveries must be thoroughly validated and unanimously sanctioned
before specifics of solution be deployed and roll-out schedule finalised
Is it that cover of darkness serves to blot out the irrelevant
so key identifiers and underlying conditions be clearly analysed?
Then heretofore incomprehensible and bizarre issues may be overcome
through sound and sustainable re-jig, modification and solar system realign
Only natural visionaries pick up on fine detail in absence of daylight
invisible vital signs that evade detection by the normal naked eye
Another elusive, complex, trace element of The Kerry Ingredient
be that Castlegregory carrot nurtured supra-optical cat's eyes device
If it be that the combined expertise on this planet couldn't crack it
then the last resort be to task those gone up ahead to almighty shrine
When all else fails their diverse resources will be pooled and mobilised
as they now be the sole authority on matters requiring intervention divine
As light dispels darkness and quest of solution again bothers
revelation be exposed to suffering souls below the skies
Ultimate field trials with sample cross-section of population be undertaken
he now above was once of rare inspired genius among us in disguise
The solar axis be gambled on the outcome
getting it wrong could lead to imbalance and demise
For such fundamental fact and fiction realities
there be no room for compromise
There be no guesstimate or estimate
inter-kingdom medium code be encrypted and so concise
For every problem there be but one single solution
simply finding the dartboard not be taking out the bull's eye
The margin of error in spiritual messaging be nil
wavelength, frequency, bandwidth and phase must be spot-on between allies
Glitch in bush telegraph technology often incurs the ultimate price
that be forfeiture of first place and with it pride
For the winner there be everything
life’s secret jewels be the prize
For losers there be the big cabinet bare of wares to dust
a walk in the park but no cake and of eternal pain a slice
K Man himself be but a bouncy ball of cellular memory at birth
and takes but eternal satisfaction away on physical demise
On earth he be the standard bearer of human gene set
enhancing it as custodian of The Kerry Way so wise
Fighting as King for Kingdom
keeping all matter of threat at bay
Worthy of the geansaí jersey
then passing on the legacy baton at close of play
Connect intra and inter-Kingdom magnetic fields he will
weaving web of conduit through which guidance from above be relayed
He will ensure the sun shines through dark cloud
for Lordly communication be transmitted in solar ray
Master schedule be downloaded overnight
outlining operational duties and tactics for the following day
Commanding officers be summoned to higher office
for tête-à-tête if instruction not be obeyed
Tuning into and feeding from his psyche energy
stirs supernatural militia warrior trait in K Mankind
Freedom of spirit be the ultimate all-conquering force
executes game-plan and strategy to limits of humanity defy
His shaft of leading light will show the way out of choppy waters
if we succumb to incursion or to victory we be blind
If we ever leave it late again and the enemy breaks the line
that his intervention prevents a cave-in will hardly surprise
Preserving bragging rights over old foe be paramount
given half a chance they’d plant flaming blood 'n' bandages flag up our behind
So how to grind out a win and salvage pride in turmoil
he will with ruthless rage and rigour remind
Pacing play, trademark theatrical tirading, inspiring perspiration
rousing and rallying his rangers with rogue, brogue roars and sighs
A nation holding its breath and he terra-firma, hands on hips, macho mantra orator
bawling and bellowing of bombastic, ballistic, berserk, boyish cries
Effing 'n' blinding, throwing the hands in the air
kick-starting troops with a well deserved big toe where the sun don't shine
Laughing one minute, fist pumping, then seconds later sensing danger
in the next parish he’d be heard swearing blind
The clap in the back for effort
be but six inches from a kick up the arse reality reminder
Results at the end of the day is all that ever matter
no good just mucking about, half-heartedly trying
Winning responds to those who themselves answer the call to arms
soldiers of fortune who renounce adherence to boundary lines
Kamikaze mercenaries of steel who make it out of bear-pit warfare
intact, able bodied, unscathed, on top, alive
It not be enough to just show up, tog out and man station
oasis of battlefield be a place for only the guerrilla guile
Some go through the motion of clocking in for the shift
while others be resolved to staying the final extra mile
Passive puretians on holiday from reality cede control
leaking possession to ruthless enemy agile
Life of leisure be for chauffeured backseat passengers
taken on scenic route by designated driver on a jolly ride
Bulls eyeing the bull's eye does the visionary leader on the rampage
chef de mission navigating so Team Kerry survives
In all cylinders he must combust of incendiary explosion
at all times Apollo lift off from full after-burner fire
Taking bouts of blistering brute hits for the side
orthodox religion not to feign foul or fall when gored
Tunnel visioned of scoreboard ticker ratchet between the posts
concealing pain from tormentor while cowards fake injury and dive overboard
Solo acceleration out of close encounter in conflict carnage of blood and guts
the bogey martyr matador just yelled back, demanding more and more
Dropping the head and crying foul in heat of battle be unheard of
how he flourished, spooked opponents couldn't dance with the acrobatic hoor
Rise to the bait though did the enemy from all quarters
then ricochet into the ground with the perpetrator just ignoring
Personifying that there be no difference between
passion and power, pain and gain, balls and brawn, sore and score
When the floundering enemy hoped he had died a death, he just laughed
then joked that only one man gets out of his games alive
Comforting them that if there be a break in play and as medium power
he'd administer last rites if of misadventure they couldn't be revived
He of privileged tough background be the ultimate animal hunter gatherer
of ravenous killer instinct coupled with almighty power and drive
Friends with everybody out of business hours
but adversary will never infringe the corridor of power that be his half-back line
Best proceed with caution on touchy subject on social occasion
many the unfortunate boozing buddy misread 'funny peculiar' as 'funny ha-ha' vibe
Is ait an mac an saol when conversing back West Kerry way
punishment can vary for stray gibe jibe
K Man always be armed and dangerous so safer to avoid talking shop
worst of all be to cast doubt or park insult on forefather of tribe
Even Ballythefireside best be careful not to foul like others
as spiritual intervention be known to conclude career of scribe
Minor incursion be forgiven and forgotten
if settled be a round or maybe to poor box subscribe
Otherwise to guillotine operator or hangman
might have to be paid the bribe
Setting the modus-operandi standard be K Man legacy
dictating the rules by which subjects shalt forthwith abide
Typical of his own compulsive follow-through
from above he will henceforth keep close watchful eye
Sticking religiously to his gospel scripture
many a contentious issue it will for his Kingdom decide
As those of ancestral bombshell character reign supreme
denying victory to little boys who get to eat humble pie
Headstrong and tough beneath but not pet toff show-off
nor blue sea, showboat, exhibitionist sailing by
Conspicuous by his absence, yet we live safe in the know
that he be ever-present, probably spying from the sky
His familiar kindle echo of vivid tone implores
sparks fusilier fire in the belly imploding thunderous reply
As we dig deeper, go in heavier and hit harder
his possessive streak with our inferno grassroot fibre intertwines
His heart-pound piles on us of immense, intense, upward-only pressure
the well of inherent inspiration shalt never dry
In defining moment we must always trump his ask
from first light to when the stakes soar highest
Intoxicated of spirited sucker punch, not kid-glove
shade we will potential dead heat match-up and tie
He must never ever be betrayed by insult of failure
to do so contradicts constitution code and cast of dye
Stepping up to the mark and equal to the spirit
ensures steady stream of Celtic Cross supply
Otherwise he be faced with the worst kind of fucking animals
as blood thirsty fanatics frenzy of public butchery and decry
Of anything less than perpetual fixity of tenure
proud Kingdom worshipers lament and be liable to take swipe
Respect for the jersey geansaí not be acting the clothes hanger
giving it all be the absolute minimum to earning stripes
Faithful cheerleaders not be of prawn sandwich or champagne cocktail
nor dainty shod, tattooed, peroxides or hosannas from high
More one-mud-guarded, Massey Ferguson, porter men who know their football
more matter of fact supporters than fib, fad, fantasy and hype
Fear go an-bródúil agus sásta ar fad i 1985
ag ardú An Chorn Somhairle Mag Uidhir
Athas o chroi a glacadh ar ais go Ceann Trá
go Daingean Uí Chúis agus a mhuintir féin arís
Codladh samh a ghaiscígh i Árd Neamh
anois ó Árd a Bhóthair hotbed-rock suas an staighre
Agus gan dabht beidh buachaill Corca Dhuibhne ag leanúint do
ag tóg staighre Hogan arís chun ardú Mag Uidhir
All he wishes is for his compatriots to carry on
just as he guarded crown jewels from nightfall
There be wars to be fought and won
so his subjects will oblige mandate of Heavenly call
When crops were light and prospects bleak and daunting
ear to the ground, between the rocks he did for talent trawl
Left no stone unturned as was his style, mining minors
a maestro with attention to detail great and small
Faced down rut of bogey barren patch when threshold be breached
double dip recession and bugbear emigration, then dip in form
Laid his reputation on the line by declaring for his Kingdom
unconditional commitment to restore olde world order
Staked claim he would deliver against all odds
the endgame system blueprint he would transform
Mentored another kick out of comeback kids
so at the top of their game they again performed
Drilled and instilled confidence, manifesting self-belief
igniting goalden snipers to protocol nous conform
Incubated rookies uncoiled, now cutting loose as battle-ready soldiers
blooded then blended with simmering veteran rank and file, in fighting form
Toughening tender juveniles through taste of threat
tint of taunt and task of toil and trouble in pilot crisis
Comfort zoned beyond infinity, having joined the dots
autumn footballers became them, men for all seasons of campaign war
Eyeball eyeballing eyeball, master's pupil pupiling pupil's pupil
a great staring a great in the making, nobody blinking
A great making a great, putting him to the sword
a great rekindling a great, mutual understanding of purpose now reconciled
Relished inflicting torture chamber that he himself as child soldier endured
revival of O'Dwyer's deadly, devious, dizzy rounds and 'wire to wires'
Sweat, blood and tears of renewed ritual of concentration boot camp
passionate struggle that would only ever end in tears of joy
Regaling iron age and crowning glories, not 'do as I say, but as I did'
made for easy adoption of mandated ruthless regime of resilience
Primitive affirmation of his own golden era of natural predator fellowship
of unrelenting commitment, persistence and perseverance, playing hardball
Led by example with authority of absolute self-sacrifice
camaraderie brought everyone on board, an academy giving it their all
A time and a place for everything, no amnesty for waywards wintering well
'till end of season would wait celebratory demon black-stuff pub crawl
Turned the tide and ended losing streak by blitzing hysteria
on ghost of negativity creepy-crawling into heads did his gavel fall
Of famine to feast of football festival, he fed the funnel
atonement of champions crown he would forthwith reinstall
Embodied and bolstered his brute charges, emboldened the determination
primed and fuelled the engines, relaying the tracks going with the fall
Unclamped the wheels for sporting revolution with all hell breaking loose
to cargo home the annual Croker canister haul
Fir ó Ceann Trá be of uncivil vow not exchanged
but Kerrygenic bound of consummate performance and to enthral
Unbreakable legacy of class act chain reaction since the beginning of time
just as never penetrated was that man-concrete wall
Giant of navigatóir instinct and noble intuition
armour clad of lethal thorned therapy finery of shocking turbo charge
Intrinsically fortified of matching ambition, giving it a lash
for showdown challenge he be naturally forearmed
Whatever it be about him but he lay in anticipation
potential problems he had read before threat materialised
And so the enemy already be cornered and spancelled
their plans scuppered before trouble transpired
Ever prepared for conflict zone up ahead
even of minute detail he be fully informed
It be a shroud itself within Kerry Ingredient sixth-sense theory
that by some spirit he be secretly forewarned
Roaming Croker sterned of flashing steel array
every blade of grass of the four corners would be worn
A wild and vicious, defending and attacking, Nomadic werewolf
camouflage hooped in Sunday best regalia geansaí glas-bán-óir
At the setting of the sun man retires
having led from pillar to post, all day having fun
A destructive, spark grinding rambler and vapour trailblazing leader
of aerial trouble-shooting terrain traction second to none
Walked the walk, paces ahead; talked the walk to eager son
always fought the fight, past master's work now be done
Tomorrow instilled of line of orthodox history
immune to invasion be the family fort firewall
Another day of active battle service flushing out the enemy
another troupe of vintage storm troops, a new dawn
Only the very rarest of inter-planetary spiritual leaders
from foot-soldier through leadership to divinity be drawn
Aboriginal playboy princes of back Western Kerry world be called up en masse
unless opt out they be thrown in deep for sink or swim test and trial
Hail mary hoofing lados of funky-monkey imagination straying unsighted
those take to tame and tempered of footmanship by patriarch be chosen
Such odyssey for the ordinary be a step too far
a community service denied, a humdrum hope forlorn
False notion above their station
oath not required to be sworn
A new line of dogmatic defenders coming through on the conveyer belt
groundsmen of his dead stamp of persuasion be born
Towering aircrafty sky-scraper space-invaders
and attacking crosshair sniper goalminers be the norm
Armies be assembled of leading brigadier luminary light
lightening strike fused to battalion of foot-soldiers in top form
Ár Ard Rí to rouse and rally roaming raging rebels running amok
rising ferocious fight of wild Atlantic thunderstorm
As the sun now sets on Ventry Harbour
kindred spirit creeps into sleeping soul from nightfall
Dreams and aspirations capture hibernating heart
so he be possessed of the will to fight and conquer all
And just as title rights to land pass down from father to son
so does the skill to farm field and exceed quota call
And just as in gift of privilege be wrapped responsibility
so he will raise the bar of dynasty protocol
And just as luck be preparation meeting opportunity
the groundwork will be done when rota calls
And just as the seed sown in arable soil shalt take root
so too will be reaped bumper autumn golden Celtic Cross windfall
And so the fitting one will oblige of family tradition
as gravitas of cast of indigenous spell into emotions crawl
And just as the sun will rise again
he resilient of honour of line of descent shalt walk tall
And just as kinetic energy powers inspiration
obligation pings kinship gear with prodigy call
And so interlocked, he be ejected skyward from native hallowed turf
Carrantuohilling all around him, fielding Croker ball
And just as the ball lobs dangerously around the house
opportunity and threat always arise but seldom warn
So ready and waiting must be the anointed saintly scholar
to seize clean possession from break of morn
And on that final day when the bequeathed son stands alone
fused of ethnic brinkmanship virtue and the banister be gone
Will the weight be taken by the shoulders of the psyched up
the impulsive; the craving, man maniac; the right and fitting brotherhood?
That he fulfils pledge to negotiate the roundabouts and stairways
geared and traction calibrated to win his one-on-ones
Balanced for camber in clash and crush of climb and fall
positive charged, for there be territory to be defended and won
Arising energised, ar Ard Rí rekindles outright, onslaught
explosive limbering energy, onto battlefield cannon-balled
A detonating war-head, impossible to contain
of dominant strain of purest pedigree thunderstorm
Naturally gifted of flawless intent and tempered brain
blitzkrieg of rocket science to man sky and comb Croker lawn
Bold 'n' brave 'n' single minded, obsessed of his game
thunder whacked of peerless might of force of brawn
Deployed to live out his dream, the fitting son uncoiled and rose
protege claiming catch of the day from The Godfather Bawn
And so to mhac an spiorad saol will always
the fabled glas-bán-óir geansaí jersey fall
Cometh the day
cometh the hour
cometh the man
Harboured thoughts of Kingdom brethren history
from daylight into dusk to dark through dream to dawn
Embedded and incarnated of K Man future-telling sixth sense-ation
from dawn to dusk in Ventry hotbedrock do they spawn
P.S. This was merely a pen holding exercise, honestly, not pen pushers we be, well obviously, not, and there is a lot to follow, obviously. As with the Ard Rí himself, the first cut was only the novice announcing his arrival. If you doubt it then just ask Dinny Allen. We only penned it alright, he walked the walk, we penned the walk, now you talk the pen, the talk!
Bleedin' Jacks
"There is a smell of fish here Pat"
"there will be a smell of something else here shortly Jack"
"Did you travel up by bus or train Pat?"
"what it a bus or a train that hit you there Jack?
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla Focal Sean-nós
“It would be asier to go over you than around you” – An observation of a player in his first training session back, having Wintered well, very well, too well, Oh The Boyos of The Black Stuff, hard stuff!
GAA Review Committee
Ballythefireside is currently preparing a submission for the GAA Review Committee that is headed by Eugene Magee. Our angle concerns more the relationship between the GAA and the outside world, in contrast to internal matters and operational issues. For that reason we decided to take until xMas to formulate our input and hopefully by then it will be of greatest overall value to all concerned.
Some of our assessments are already all but banned from discussion by ill intentioned, vested interests. Knowing those involved we must be nearing the facts and it clearly upsets them to the point that they fear what we might have to say. What they stand to lose one can only wonder.
Although a side issue, we did question the sanity of using The Gathering to elevate Tadhg Kennelly’s national profile in Ireland, with him leading a recruitment drive to lure GAA players away from local clubs to Aussie Rules. If this isn’t shooting ourselves in the foot, pun not intended, then what is? This is worse than paying people you don’t owe anything to with money you don't have. Having done the first we now do the second so we have self inflicted a double whammy on ourselves when the country is in tatters and people are dying on our streets and starving in their homes from deprivation.
Pat Spillane stated on The Late Late Show that the only institution in Ireland that wasn’t tainted was the GAA, and then what happens? You can rest assured that the Aussies are having a right laugh. Rather than young lads now waiting at a cross roads for a drive to a local match they will be scattering to board a plane to play Aussie Rules.
Personally we all admire Tadhg and we have acknowledged his success with our poem Trojan Horsepower, and of course we wish everybody well. And sure isn't he one of our own!
But whoever conceived of this notion needs their heads examined and you can be in no doubt but it was some highly paid, brain-dead politician and probably with an itchy paw that green-lighted it. Will it be conscription next?
It has all the hallmarks of a stodgy arrangement in selling the GAA down the swannie and what we are giving the Aussies is priceless. And once they get a grip there is no going back, moreover as they pay players and if we go down that road then it is another nail in the coffin of rural Ireland. It is so hard to believe that we are having such a conversation, so ludicrous it is. The question lingers as to who is benefiting from the initiative; it certainly isn't Ireland or The GAA and in which case why would such an arrangement be put in place?
If someone in Ireland is doing Aussie Rules such a big favour then someone in Ireland is also getting rewarded and that is so, so sad. It is now getting to the stage of the last person to leave switching out the light.
And of course we then have the solicitors who broke the economy, and what isn't a surprise, both elements are all part of the same fraternity. The poor man who lined the field on a Monday night in January is being mocked as are those who ferried us all to matches in our youth and as is the housewife who hand-washed the jerseys week in week out. And this is how we thank them! We are all responsible, it is no use blaming others if we stand idly by. As Einstein said, 'the world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing'.
Hopefully we will now take on the real issues that will determine the future of our national community sport.
On a positive note I have come by an amazing and verified revelation that augers well for GAA games as an amateur sport. And believe you me, a lot of people are going to be well impressed, a ray of hope it is big time. The picture is not all dark and hopefully we can make it as bright as possible in the challenging times that face us.
Your card is marked, so just watch this space. The GAA is worth saving although some clearly think it is worth selling.
Slán go fóill a chairde agus go n'eiri an bothair libh go leir.
Some of our assessments are already all but banned from discussion by ill intentioned, vested interests. Knowing those involved we must be nearing the facts and it clearly upsets them to the point that they fear what we might have to say. What they stand to lose one can only wonder.
Although a side issue, we did question the sanity of using The Gathering to elevate Tadhg Kennelly’s national profile in Ireland, with him leading a recruitment drive to lure GAA players away from local clubs to Aussie Rules. If this isn’t shooting ourselves in the foot, pun not intended, then what is? This is worse than paying people you don’t owe anything to with money you don't have. Having done the first we now do the second so we have self inflicted a double whammy on ourselves when the country is in tatters and people are dying on our streets and starving in their homes from deprivation.
Pat Spillane stated on The Late Late Show that the only institution in Ireland that wasn’t tainted was the GAA, and then what happens? You can rest assured that the Aussies are having a right laugh. Rather than young lads now waiting at a cross roads for a drive to a local match they will be scattering to board a plane to play Aussie Rules.
Personally we all admire Tadhg and we have acknowledged his success with our poem Trojan Horsepower, and of course we wish everybody well. And sure isn't he one of our own!
But whoever conceived of this notion needs their heads examined and you can be in no doubt but it was some highly paid, brain-dead politician and probably with an itchy paw that green-lighted it. Will it be conscription next?
It has all the hallmarks of a stodgy arrangement in selling the GAA down the swannie and what we are giving the Aussies is priceless. And once they get a grip there is no going back, moreover as they pay players and if we go down that road then it is another nail in the coffin of rural Ireland. It is so hard to believe that we are having such a conversation, so ludicrous it is. The question lingers as to who is benefiting from the initiative; it certainly isn't Ireland or The GAA and in which case why would such an arrangement be put in place?
If someone in Ireland is doing Aussie Rules such a big favour then someone in Ireland is also getting rewarded and that is so, so sad. It is now getting to the stage of the last person to leave switching out the light.
And of course we then have the solicitors who broke the economy, and what isn't a surprise, both elements are all part of the same fraternity. The poor man who lined the field on a Monday night in January is being mocked as are those who ferried us all to matches in our youth and as is the housewife who hand-washed the jerseys week in week out. And this is how we thank them! We are all responsible, it is no use blaming others if we stand idly by. As Einstein said, 'the world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing'.
Hopefully we will now take on the real issues that will determine the future of our national community sport.
On a positive note I have come by an amazing and verified revelation that augers well for GAA games as an amateur sport. And believe you me, a lot of people are going to be well impressed, a ray of hope it is big time. The picture is not all dark and hopefully we can make it as bright as possible in the challenging times that face us.
Your card is marked, so just watch this space. The GAA is worth saving although some clearly think it is worth selling.
Slán go fóill a chairde agus go n'eiri an bothair libh go leir.
Taken After The Gatherer
Believe me son when I say
this world can be strange
Of it's ways you won't understand
but funny how things don't much change
The son of life must be no stranger
to people and things good and bad
Often difficult to get through to
sometimes fickle assurance clad
Always game for adventure
even if fuelled of fools folly or fad
Of genius imagination he may be himself
or just wanted away with the lads
Sees things in a different way
grinds, grates and clatters gears with the auld man
Scant interest in what was there for him
of everything from garsún through ganger to gov gaffer would he have
Auld fashioned wisdom handed down
story underlying sensible ways, so many told
Listening to it all just drags you down
and then you get taken of the mould
Don’t make the mistake I made my son
and doubt the auld world wised man
I’m just telling you what I didn't do myself
now only doing the best I can
I’m sorry I didn't set example
then things mightn't be as they are
What I didn't take on board myself son
was the strange world wised words and ways, of auld Grandad
Literary Direction
If you enjoy this type of poem then you might like to take a look at The Recession.
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla Focal Sean nós
He who fills the shoes and follows the footsteps is not always the same kind of man
Fitting and filling the shoes is not the same thing
The system seizes when more than a pair of gears grate
A moulded son will never be a chip of the auld block
He who always goes with the grain walks off the end of the plank with the others
Road maps are for those who be barren of instinct and are afraid to break the rules; others have to tell them what to do, and then there are those who enforce the law
He who’s work ethic be taken from farming between then rocks be best inspired to ride the rocky road to claiming earth
Gear wheels that engage rotate in opposite directions; there comes a time in a man’s life when he stops trying to change the world and works with it. Is it that the law of mechanics dictates gatherer-scatterer theory? And it doesn’t matter either if the father gear is rotating the wrong way.
Is ait an mhac an saol ach cad faoi an t-athair?
Like father like son, in ways .... or means?
Spirit be unconditional so is that why Paddy is outside the parameters of Freudian cognitive psychology?
There are abandoned children and then there are those with a sense of abandon
The tighter the grip the smaller the hold, sometimes squeezing the good out of
Just how sensible is sense of abandon?
Inspiration leads to perspiration when gears grate
The obedient child will for ever do as he is told while others make up their own minds about life, and that's basically how leaders and followers come into being
If the gears grate the team seizes and not the enemy; the devil tempts the idle mind and the seed of self-destruction grows inside
The more complex the material the less likely damaged gears will repair
The winds of change don't always blow for the better
The bald man is son and father to the full head of hair while the full head of hair is father and son to the bald man; hair is also part of the gatherer-scatterer cycle conundrum?
The rocket science that is a good kick up the behind is probably the greatest craft ever known in child rearing, as it not alone solves an immediate problem instantly but it also prepares for life’s knocks; it is therefore forbidden by law.
Effort is less trouble than regret
Those who are given everything give most away; then there are those who work and have to give it all away
Capital Employed less Swinging the lead = Working Capital
Some swing the lead while Gombeens drop it on people’s toes
Some people imagine things while others use their imaginations to anticipate
Some lads raise the drink
others the bar
He who raises the drink
lowers the bar
Putting down the glass
raises the bar
Unless of course
it is to refill the jar
He who goes with the grain
beats the crowd across the line
He who goes against it
in working on a higher plane
What the little ones see, the little ones do
An nì chì na big, ‘s e nì na big
The forward thinking often dispense with proven ideology
Not all disruptive children are innovative but every innovative child was disruptive; for those who didn't know, the ultimate innovations are disruptive, and the more disruptive the more innovative
Youth can be revolutionary while auld lads go around in circles, sometimes backways; counter-revolutionary or counter-balance? Our poem Wheel of Fortune would suggest the latter.
Going about things is a roundabout fashion uses an obstruction to get everyone where they want to be; it is not going around in circles
Wheels get around circles, get you around in circles
Those who believe success is a destination can hold their heads high; those who know it is a journey keep their heads down
Some people go around with their head in the clouds while like minded individuals have it up their backsides
Auld is more ways than years, backways but the clock doesn't turn back, although progress can, did
The hungry lad always has more energy
Putting up the fists isn’t knuckling down
A hail-mary effort often turns out to be an act of contrition
If you can’t wing it don’t try to fly
He who believes all he is told arrives at the right and logical conclusion
The late developer often has the most solid foundations
Where does one go to get sense?
There is no such thing as a bad child, only the bad parent; but every parent was once a child so is growing up the culprit?
Is it wise to build on the mistakes of the past?
There is little point in turning a new leaf in the fall
The silver spoon does not mine gold, let alone find it; not to be confused with the gold digger
What is the best start in life; a push start, a kick start or a self start?
Money doesn't go far and the scatterer sees to that
The iron fist kills only the spirit
If innovation is born of change why are industrialists predominantly conservative?
What is the difference between showing someone the ropes and giving them enough to hang themselves?
To build a house you need a lot of bricks the same size, the building blocks to create a home are somewhat more complex
People either bounce back up or crack when they hot rock bottom; depends on how hard the nut is
The man without a fault is perfect
Old values are not old ways, and a new ways are highly desirable when we see what was going on that we didn’t know about
Gathering coinage often scatters the heir and so he gathers himself
Is the man who gathers himself in moment of panic and scatters, a gatherer or a scatterer?
Wealthy people have no problems so they invent ones that only money can buy
Breaking the ice and melting it are not the same
A great man will never get a job because his boss won't want to live in fear
'Firing on all four cylinders' and 'firing out' are not the same
Watching a game and reading it is not the same
Some people get blown away by their own ideas, more get blown off course while the imaginations of others get blown up, and then things get blown out of all proportion; finally there is deflation
Making money is easy, hanging onto it is not hard but impossible and you can't carry it with you either
It is advisable to take swimming lessons before walking on water
The more experience one has the less time there is to use it
Wise auld ways deserve the respect of sleeping dogs; let them lie
Some people be but out for certain roles in life while others cut themselves off
The less experience the more novelty and ingenuity
If you don't know where you are going all roads will lead you there and some of us even manage to take them all
Life is about staying between the lines while travelling in the right direction and avoiding collision. Changing gears and direction is not the same thing. All very simple but knowing what to do is the easy part, wanting to do it is hardest and 'how' is the most interesting
Light at the end of the tunnel cam also be an oncoming train
He who turns his back on change is not looking where he is going, or is he?
The spectator can be out of step but the man with the ball must not put a foot wrong
There is no frontier beyond fear.
Experience is the reward for losing
He who is one step ahead must be sure-footed in strange territory
Tough medicine prescribed by a third party is a cure for aliments you didn't even know you had; makes for a better man
The deprived have nothing to scatter and the privileged have nothing to gather; it is only the lazy and the caretaker respectively who challenge the course of nature that is the gatherer-scatterer cycle
Somethings never change, others are never the same.
This quote comes from another Ballythefireside poem entitled Highways of Boyways which seeks to use the power of popular poetry to alter driving behaviour. Judge for yourself if it is worth putting it in front of those at risk. Nobody is the perfect driver and if it prevents just one accident then wasn't it a great day's work?
Unbridled, tame and prepared are all entirely different concepts
The more you try to control something over which you have no control, the more it controls you
The imagination sees the invisible that lies behind the distraction that is the blindingly obvious
Designer gear might alter the face-value but only power ups the performance
While it is nice to have what you want, it is important to want what you have; some don't even know what they want while others don't know what they have
The more things change the more they remain the same
Those who see the big picture of life never miss the dartboard; he who understands the full picture hits the bull’s eye
He who lives in the name of the father withers in a shadow
Nothing goes anywhere unless it is in-gear; economies, machines, teams, families, etc
Nothing is better than the wrong mould, and nothing is worse than it
The shirt of the well built man has no need of label
What is the most effective way to convey a message; to say it in black and white, or colour?
Indecisiveness neither evades decision nor avoids consequence
Many are sent to university to substitute for brawn while others go to compensate for brains, so is it any wonder the world is the way it is?
The younger generation would say that Economics ‘sucks’ and boy hell but it did.
The brain of the auld lad races fastest because he doesn’t have to go around the corners
If you don’t want what you have then you have no resources to use to get what you want
In the face of challenge, some crank up the effort while others get cranky
Ballythefireside contends that luck is when preparation meets opportunity and with a little help from the spirit
The seed of success do not grow from those of failure nor are the seeds of change within
Man's spirit always levels with him
Looking down the nose on the way up the ladder instinctively leads to the chosen destination
The greenest grass is always nearest but some can’t help but see blue skies on far away hills
Becoming rich is the opposite to becoming popular; it is funny that us Irish just don’t get it.
Without begrudgery there is no greed; to want what others have is to begrudge them.
He who fails to plan, plans to fail.
The busy man has no time to admit to it, let alone think of his failings
Somethings never change, others are never the same.
Children brought up the hard way have less to distract them from the best things in life; the hard life is the good life, great; and poverty is priceless
Leaders like eagles don’t travel in pairs
The New Line theory on motivation and What they don’t teach you at Harvard! -Tell the Kerryman that his Mayo counterpart is just that extra little edge better and he will get such a temper that he will break sweat by working unknownst to himself.
Contrary to what they teach you at Harvard, Porters Five Forces is but a trace element of The Kerry Ingredient. Naming the five would reveal too much at this stage, suffice as to say that Culture Beats Strategy and that’s where the Hazard of Harvard theory falls down, with force! In other words the inevitable never happens, although some argue it already has. The Hazard of Harvard School of Economics also gets it so wrong on all this dual speed economy stuff; it is not dual speed, it is Forces working in opposite directions, tearing the jersey apart; the productive exporters having to drag a train load of Gombeen solicitor cronies after them in the face of our detractors, while trying to save the nation. Needless to say we will revisit this as we further explore The Kerry Ingredient; meanwhile you may wish to ponder on the other three forces?
The nearer, the stranger, the more confusing
Nobody is born guilty, there is no such thing as a bad child
And a few Gaelic sean-nós quotes
Is Ait e Mhac an Saol - The literal translation of this beautiful line is that 'the son of life is funny', as in 'funny peculiar' as opposed to 'funny ha ha'. The general meaning is 'that life can be so strange'. It originated from a Gaelic novel 'Peig' Sayers of The Great Blasket Island off the coast of the Dingle Peninsula in West Kerry, Ireland.
Is i mhàthair bhrisg a nì ‘n nighean leisg
the active mother makes for the lazy daughter
Ah there you go now ladies, there is also such thing as a scatteress and if there is then there is also a gatheress, and Irish ones to boot. It certainly gives a new meaning to an cailín Gaelach as she gets half the estate at the turn from the altar. Jazus that is some days work for a Mistress of Distress. We better gather ourselves lads and scatter, and while we might escape there is no getting away from her, what with all them long legged women dressed in black solicitors out looking for trouble.
He who turns back to drink may well be facing down on the root of the problem
Are the shower generation more frugal that the baths?
Sensible
History be as kind
as the present be cruel
Some revel in riches
others to mankind be a tool
There be gatherers and scatterers
man for himself chooses
Facing challenge be enjoyable
but feeding the layabout be the work of the bigger fool
this world can be strange
Of it's ways you won't understand
but funny how things don't much change
The son of life must be no stranger
to people and things good and bad
Often difficult to get through to
sometimes fickle assurance clad
Always game for adventure
even if fuelled of fools folly or fad
Of genius imagination he may be himself
or just wanted away with the lads
Sees things in a different way
grinds, grates and clatters gears with the auld man
Scant interest in what was there for him
of everything from garsún through ganger to gov gaffer would he have
Auld fashioned wisdom handed down
story underlying sensible ways, so many told
Listening to it all just drags you down
and then you get taken of the mould
Don’t make the mistake I made my son
and doubt the auld world wised man
I’m just telling you what I didn't do myself
now only doing the best I can
I’m sorry I didn't set example
then things mightn't be as they are
What I didn't take on board myself son
was the strange world wised words and ways, of auld Grandad
Literary Direction
If you enjoy this type of poem then you might like to take a look at The Recession.
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla Focal Sean nós
He who fills the shoes and follows the footsteps is not always the same kind of man
Fitting and filling the shoes is not the same thing
The system seizes when more than a pair of gears grate
A moulded son will never be a chip of the auld block
He who always goes with the grain walks off the end of the plank with the others
Road maps are for those who be barren of instinct and are afraid to break the rules; others have to tell them what to do, and then there are those who enforce the law
He who’s work ethic be taken from farming between then rocks be best inspired to ride the rocky road to claiming earth
Gear wheels that engage rotate in opposite directions; there comes a time in a man’s life when he stops trying to change the world and works with it. Is it that the law of mechanics dictates gatherer-scatterer theory? And it doesn’t matter either if the father gear is rotating the wrong way.
Is ait an mhac an saol ach cad faoi an t-athair?
Like father like son, in ways .... or means?
Spirit be unconditional so is that why Paddy is outside the parameters of Freudian cognitive psychology?
There are abandoned children and then there are those with a sense of abandon
The tighter the grip the smaller the hold, sometimes squeezing the good out of
Just how sensible is sense of abandon?
Inspiration leads to perspiration when gears grate
The obedient child will for ever do as he is told while others make up their own minds about life, and that's basically how leaders and followers come into being
If the gears grate the team seizes and not the enemy; the devil tempts the idle mind and the seed of self-destruction grows inside
The more complex the material the less likely damaged gears will repair
The winds of change don't always blow for the better
The bald man is son and father to the full head of hair while the full head of hair is father and son to the bald man; hair is also part of the gatherer-scatterer cycle conundrum?
The rocket science that is a good kick up the behind is probably the greatest craft ever known in child rearing, as it not alone solves an immediate problem instantly but it also prepares for life’s knocks; it is therefore forbidden by law.
Effort is less trouble than regret
Those who are given everything give most away; then there are those who work and have to give it all away
Capital Employed less Swinging the lead = Working Capital
Some swing the lead while Gombeens drop it on people’s toes
Some people imagine things while others use their imaginations to anticipate
Some lads raise the drink
others the bar
He who raises the drink
lowers the bar
Putting down the glass
raises the bar
Unless of course
it is to refill the jar
He who goes with the grain
beats the crowd across the line
He who goes against it
in working on a higher plane
What the little ones see, the little ones do
An nì chì na big, ‘s e nì na big
The forward thinking often dispense with proven ideology
Not all disruptive children are innovative but every innovative child was disruptive; for those who didn't know, the ultimate innovations are disruptive, and the more disruptive the more innovative
Youth can be revolutionary while auld lads go around in circles, sometimes backways; counter-revolutionary or counter-balance? Our poem Wheel of Fortune would suggest the latter.
Going about things is a roundabout fashion uses an obstruction to get everyone where they want to be; it is not going around in circles
Wheels get around circles, get you around in circles
Those who believe success is a destination can hold their heads high; those who know it is a journey keep their heads down
Some people go around with their head in the clouds while like minded individuals have it up their backsides
Auld is more ways than years, backways but the clock doesn't turn back, although progress can, did
The hungry lad always has more energy
Putting up the fists isn’t knuckling down
A hail-mary effort often turns out to be an act of contrition
If you can’t wing it don’t try to fly
He who believes all he is told arrives at the right and logical conclusion
The late developer often has the most solid foundations
Where does one go to get sense?
There is no such thing as a bad child, only the bad parent; but every parent was once a child so is growing up the culprit?
Is it wise to build on the mistakes of the past?
There is little point in turning a new leaf in the fall
The silver spoon does not mine gold, let alone find it; not to be confused with the gold digger
What is the best start in life; a push start, a kick start or a self start?
Money doesn't go far and the scatterer sees to that
The iron fist kills only the spirit
If innovation is born of change why are industrialists predominantly conservative?
What is the difference between showing someone the ropes and giving them enough to hang themselves?
To build a house you need a lot of bricks the same size, the building blocks to create a home are somewhat more complex
People either bounce back up or crack when they hot rock bottom; depends on how hard the nut is
The man without a fault is perfect
Old values are not old ways, and a new ways are highly desirable when we see what was going on that we didn’t know about
Gathering coinage often scatters the heir and so he gathers himself
Is the man who gathers himself in moment of panic and scatters, a gatherer or a scatterer?
Wealthy people have no problems so they invent ones that only money can buy
Breaking the ice and melting it are not the same
A great man will never get a job because his boss won't want to live in fear
'Firing on all four cylinders' and 'firing out' are not the same
Watching a game and reading it is not the same
Some people get blown away by their own ideas, more get blown off course while the imaginations of others get blown up, and then things get blown out of all proportion; finally there is deflation
Making money is easy, hanging onto it is not hard but impossible and you can't carry it with you either
It is advisable to take swimming lessons before walking on water
The more experience one has the less time there is to use it
Wise auld ways deserve the respect of sleeping dogs; let them lie
Some people be but out for certain roles in life while others cut themselves off
The less experience the more novelty and ingenuity
If you don't know where you are going all roads will lead you there and some of us even manage to take them all
Life is about staying between the lines while travelling in the right direction and avoiding collision. Changing gears and direction is not the same thing. All very simple but knowing what to do is the easy part, wanting to do it is hardest and 'how' is the most interesting
Light at the end of the tunnel cam also be an oncoming train
He who turns his back on change is not looking where he is going, or is he?
The spectator can be out of step but the man with the ball must not put a foot wrong
There is no frontier beyond fear.
Experience is the reward for losing
He who is one step ahead must be sure-footed in strange territory
Tough medicine prescribed by a third party is a cure for aliments you didn't even know you had; makes for a better man
The deprived have nothing to scatter and the privileged have nothing to gather; it is only the lazy and the caretaker respectively who challenge the course of nature that is the gatherer-scatterer cycle
Somethings never change, others are never the same.
This quote comes from another Ballythefireside poem entitled Highways of Boyways which seeks to use the power of popular poetry to alter driving behaviour. Judge for yourself if it is worth putting it in front of those at risk. Nobody is the perfect driver and if it prevents just one accident then wasn't it a great day's work?
Unbridled, tame and prepared are all entirely different concepts
The more you try to control something over which you have no control, the more it controls you
The imagination sees the invisible that lies behind the distraction that is the blindingly obvious
Designer gear might alter the face-value but only power ups the performance
While it is nice to have what you want, it is important to want what you have; some don't even know what they want while others don't know what they have
The more things change the more they remain the same
Those who see the big picture of life never miss the dartboard; he who understands the full picture hits the bull’s eye
He who lives in the name of the father withers in a shadow
Nothing goes anywhere unless it is in-gear; economies, machines, teams, families, etc
Nothing is better than the wrong mould, and nothing is worse than it
The shirt of the well built man has no need of label
What is the most effective way to convey a message; to say it in black and white, or colour?
Indecisiveness neither evades decision nor avoids consequence
Many are sent to university to substitute for brawn while others go to compensate for brains, so is it any wonder the world is the way it is?
The younger generation would say that Economics ‘sucks’ and boy hell but it did.
The brain of the auld lad races fastest because he doesn’t have to go around the corners
If you don’t want what you have then you have no resources to use to get what you want
In the face of challenge, some crank up the effort while others get cranky
Ballythefireside contends that luck is when preparation meets opportunity and with a little help from the spirit
The seed of success do not grow from those of failure nor are the seeds of change within
Man's spirit always levels with him
Looking down the nose on the way up the ladder instinctively leads to the chosen destination
The greenest grass is always nearest but some can’t help but see blue skies on far away hills
Becoming rich is the opposite to becoming popular; it is funny that us Irish just don’t get it.
Without begrudgery there is no greed; to want what others have is to begrudge them.
He who fails to plan, plans to fail.
The busy man has no time to admit to it, let alone think of his failings
Somethings never change, others are never the same.
Children brought up the hard way have less to distract them from the best things in life; the hard life is the good life, great; and poverty is priceless
Leaders like eagles don’t travel in pairs
The New Line theory on motivation and What they don’t teach you at Harvard! -Tell the Kerryman that his Mayo counterpart is just that extra little edge better and he will get such a temper that he will break sweat by working unknownst to himself.
Contrary to what they teach you at Harvard, Porters Five Forces is but a trace element of The Kerry Ingredient. Naming the five would reveal too much at this stage, suffice as to say that Culture Beats Strategy and that’s where the Hazard of Harvard theory falls down, with force! In other words the inevitable never happens, although some argue it already has. The Hazard of Harvard School of Economics also gets it so wrong on all this dual speed economy stuff; it is not dual speed, it is Forces working in opposite directions, tearing the jersey apart; the productive exporters having to drag a train load of Gombeen solicitor cronies after them in the face of our detractors, while trying to save the nation. Needless to say we will revisit this as we further explore The Kerry Ingredient; meanwhile you may wish to ponder on the other three forces?
The nearer, the stranger, the more confusing
Nobody is born guilty, there is no such thing as a bad child
And a few Gaelic sean-nós quotes
Is Ait e Mhac an Saol - The literal translation of this beautiful line is that 'the son of life is funny', as in 'funny peculiar' as opposed to 'funny ha ha'. The general meaning is 'that life can be so strange'. It originated from a Gaelic novel 'Peig' Sayers of The Great Blasket Island off the coast of the Dingle Peninsula in West Kerry, Ireland.
Is i mhàthair bhrisg a nì ‘n nighean leisg
the active mother makes for the lazy daughter
Ah there you go now ladies, there is also such thing as a scatteress and if there is then there is also a gatheress, and Irish ones to boot. It certainly gives a new meaning to an cailín Gaelach as she gets half the estate at the turn from the altar. Jazus that is some days work for a Mistress of Distress. We better gather ourselves lads and scatter, and while we might escape there is no getting away from her, what with all them long legged women dressed in black solicitors out looking for trouble.
He who turns back to drink may well be facing down on the root of the problem
Are the shower generation more frugal that the baths?
Sensible
History be as kind
as the present be cruel
Some revel in riches
others to mankind be a tool
There be gatherers and scatterers
man for himself chooses
Facing challenge be enjoyable
but feeding the layabout be the work of the bigger fool
The Greatest Train Robber -Níl aon railway line mar do railway line féin
Once the news hit Vegas they immediately announced that the Johnny Cash film The Line is Mine is being re-released and along with, well, The Ring of Fire of course. Talk of Holders of Track Records, although it was some track they beat from Ballythefireside on the fateful night that Operation Ballythefireplace went all wrong.
Me thinks that they became obsessed with John B’s line, pun not intended, Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin to the extent that they now think that Níl aon railway line mar do railway line féin. Now that's what you'd call 'putting butter on it'. You see Robert, there is only one line, The New Line, and it is my line, just like the fireplace, the house, the few bob, etc, etc.
But please do keep coming back for more, because persistence always pays off and eventually you will get exactly what you’re looking for. Although it takes an exception to prove a rule as you would now know when you didn’t get the €2.5m!
That Ring of Fire sounds good, feels warm for some, reminds of that warm welcome they got that famous night when they had their Operation Ballythefireplace moment, a brown trousers moment it was for sure.
The Ring of Ballythefireside
Down they went
as the flames grew higher
Still there be stink
from the night they stole the fire
Fingers burnt from hot property
oh the roars and sighs
Now plenty of fuel
make sure the turf be dry
Down they sank
the rounded up liars
Everybody applauding
nobody crying
Sauce for the goose
no need to ask why
Law was once yours
now down the straight line
Of four gold mines insurance scam
the country they destroyed
Up to every trick in the book
team plan, plot and ploy
Fools donning collars
fell over their toys
Put through the ring
a court house convoy
Forged of fire cert
with puff of a fag and a smile
Victims jumping through hoops to safety
now the Gombeens cook in their own ring of fire
No sympathy from the ringside
no drowning eyes
Ballythefireofficer was busy
as builder in disguise
With approval of politician
they mobilised rank and file
Gave their victims a roasting
now they themselves boil
Supposed laws and orders
breaking law all the while
No stopping the carnage
as inches became miles
Then thought they escaped
but life can surprise
Many on the pedestal
subsequently forfeited prize
No expenses spared
but no need for trials
The system they controlled
taking the country for a ride
They had The Watch Man
and his network of spies
And when backup be needed
the boyos in blue be the standby
Those outside the circle
be systematically compromised
As the cats grew fatter
bulging and bloating in size
But like all good things
they sowed seed of their own demise
Got careless with the plans
didn't need to be precise
Albeit in a different ring
they still stand side by side
Defiant and deluded
skin as thick as hide
They took to the altar
ridiculed victims so snide
But the people no longer naive
denial with facts did collide
Now they pleaded for rope
but now no allies
No matter how loud they roar
nobody is replying
Charity came to the recuse
handed them a plastic clothes line
Grip it good and tight
now your turn to fry
Like the lead life jacket handed down
by they themselves in days gone by
Or maybe we go one better
with a nice necklace tyre
Heaviest pockets weighted down most
thought they could fly
Big guns issuing orders
those with most stripes
Won the race to the bottom
their trade now won't ply
Your unlucky numbers came up
down and out you go out of sight
Reward of eternal heat
for being naughty, cruel and sly
Burden of society
taking the entire pie
Them them down my lord
they eb of bad types
Hosanna on high
sang the whole choir
Let’s see how mighty you be
as against the odds you fight
The fire now be glowing
but the brown circle sods not be so bright
The judge they could control
but law of gravity not be defied
Get out of that one
harder must you try
When people looked up
staring down was the squire
Now he is roaring
natural justice ire
Of boundless ambition
oh such burning desire
Didn't he do well
innocents enquire
Burnt at his own stake
no smoke without fire
If he be a wise man
he'd have thought it through prior
Funny how things change
when things turn clockwise
At last it's better
to be on the outside
Now all for the chorus
good bye, bad boys
You accomplished your objective
to great things did you did aspire
Ignorance be no excuse
now the flames you must climb
At Ballythefireplace hearth now regales
heart warming story and rhyme
Meanwhile we’d love to know what change of mindset did that Robert lad we referred to earlier undergo the night on the sinking ship in the mid-Atlantic? I mean if all this is happening ‘post-moderation’ be jazus but what was he like before? Was it that because the waters didn’t part that he now wants a railway line? The few bob we can understand but what did he want of a fireplace?
Well, well, well! Let's now see if the Gombeens are stopped in their tracks like they were by Ballythefireside. Here's our suggestion; re-open the railway, buy a super fast train and link up a hundred carriages laden of lead, then tie the Gombeens to the sleepers. Finally, hold a raffle with the winner getting the job of driving the train. In fairness Ballythefireside is entitled to nominate the driver, although we will celebrate anyway, free beer for a year!
Now there's at least another twenty verses for Operation Ballythefireside. Was it the loss of the €2.5m that made someone so angry? And sure we don't need a circus anymore; why pay for what you already have?
We now have reports that Ballythefirepair have already lifted the sleepers and sold them on, so no joy here again. Isn't it terrible though that such local heros as our Robert don't always get their own way. Those councillors ought to be ashamed of themselves, not bowing to this man's tantrums is such an insult. And his unwavering services to the locality, what with all that insurance money for worthy causes he has brought into the local economy. I mean look at the tourist attraction that he created at Lisselton Cross; it actually frightens people into Listowel. And what’s more that Enda Kenny cutting Robert off his €2.5m dole; now that’s cheek for you. That €2.5m was badly wanted by Robert and contrary to previous indications, word now is that he would have donated it all to St Vincent de Paul, as he usually does with such windfalls. Is it any wonder we call him god and bow to him. We must practice our religion more and maybe he might be canonised before the pope bails out?
Now we have heard of people walking the roads but walking the railways. Is it that all the roadside houses have been grabbed and now it is time to fool the farmers? Well we tell a lie, All Bar One , you see he didn’t get away with Ballythefireside, or Ballythefireplace.
Now is it that all the interest in this old railway line has little to do with Listowel and a lot to do with a bit of land. It wouldn’t be the first time this fraternity tried to stake claim where old railways were concerned. Sure Ballythefireside was built precisely where the Lartigue Turntable once stood, sat, then was Operation Ballythefireplace, an attempt to take control of the station, another station? Is it how they want to takeover The New Line and extend it to Limerick? No need, Ballythefireside beat you to it, we have taken it right around the world and everyone is enjoying the journey. And didn’t it all start at, well Station Approach on Store Street in Ballybunion, all under the management of none other than another wan of our own, Bimbo-Jimbo-O’Neill, or Hitler as is better known when looks is the key criteria of identification.
A local snout reckons that it could be that this is where the gravy train spilt and shed some valuable gems, maybe a watch, The Watch Man all over again? Never!
And now there is talk of two contenders for The Greatest Train Robber award; now who could they be? The mind boggles! And we couldn’t even offer The Greatest Fireplace Robber title as a consolation, because there is two contenders there too!
So John B wrote all about The Field so now we have to pen The Railway Line, but be warned Robert, The Line is Mine, as is Ballythefireside and Ballythefireplace. I am told I hold The Track Record for hanging onto my property despite The Long Arms of The Lawless.
I mean the cheek of the councillors not to obey you when you stomped your feet. Bad rearing they were. Is it that the day has now finally come that you have no influence? You should report them to The Gardai, well Hitler, sure you have his mobile! What is amazing is that your sole objective is the welfare of the future generation, the children of today, and then you get it all thrown back at you! A crying shame, just like losing the €2.5m shirt! A church gate collection be right and fitting for such a pillar of society; a Ballythefiregate collection, 'tis the least we could do in return for all the source material! Ballythefireside wouldn't be the same without you.
You have been warned!
Angry solicitor storms out of meeting on walking route
by Donal Nolan, Kerryman reporter, 13 February 2013
ONGOING controversy surrounding a standoff between farmers and walkers over the development of a walking route erupted in an angry outburst by one Listowel solicitor at a council meeting on Monday.
Solicitor Robert Pierse stormed out of Listowel Town Council's meeting on Monday saying the authority hadn't 'the courage to pass a resolution' on the issue.
Mr Pierse was among a group of up to 80 people who found themselves blocked from walking the old railway track from Abbeyfeale to Listowel by farmers at the townland of Rathoran - outside Abbeyfeale - one week previously.
Great Southern Trails (GST) is the group behind the development of the old railway track from Newcastle West to Abbeyfeale. They now hope to develop it all the way into Listowel as an amenity they say would attract tourists.
However, they found themselves facing barricades on the Kerry side of the tracks - mounted by up to 40 farmers who maintained a silent presence in a standoff that lasted hours.
Spokesperson for the landowners action group John Hannon say farmers in Kerry have deep concerns over the opening of the railway which cuts through their farms. He claims there is a question mark over who owns the tracks.
GST, however, are adamant that CIE own the tracks. GST head Liam O'Mahony addressed Listowel Town Council on the matter on Monday night at the Listowel Family Resource Centre.
Among the most prominent farmers behind the barricade was Listowel Town Councillor Denis Stack who refused to comment on the matter last week. Cllr Stack remained tight-lipped on the issue at Monday's meeting as Mr O'Mahony outlined the benefits he believes the amenity would bring.
He said that many landowners in west Limerick who were opposed to the route are now among its greatest advocates and sought to allay fears among landowners in Kerry on the issue.
Cllr Din Stack did not speak on the issue at all, but his colleagues were all in favour of the amenity. Cllr Maria Gorman pointed out, however, that the goodwill of the town council would have no bearing on progressing the route as it would be a matter for Kerry County Council.
It was some time after the debate had ended - while the annual litter report was being discussed - that Mr Pierse erupted from the gallery.
"Are you, as a council, going to pass a resolution on this?" he asked, standing up. Town Clerk David O'Brien asked him to sit down as there was no resolution put before the council and Mr Pierse was simply there - like the rest of the public - as an observer.
Mr Pierse persisted: "Are ye going to further the future of the town? Ye didn't even pass a resolution!
"I'm going to leave this as it has gone beyond a joke. Ye haven't even the courage to pass a resolution on it," he said, walking out.
Ballythefireside proverbs agus Cúpla Focal Sean Nós
He who interferes with the bird’s eggs shalt have no luck, and then there be those who feather their own nest of another’s little home
Word has it that we are going to have our own entry in the next Eurovision but we can’t decide on which song. Will it be Bring back My Fireplace to Me or The Line is Mine? Either way the singer is Robby Cash with Jim O’Neill on the fiddle. Let's hope they get a warm welcome where ever they go and we will also give them a good send off too!
Is it that the preacher will now open his own toll booth on the old railway line? And as he says himself, the more traffic the more accidents! ‘Tis an ill wind, a very ill wind!
And low and behold but here’s word of advice; if he requires planning permission on property he doesn’t own then Minister Mumbo Jimbo has the proven track record, as he tried it already with Ballythefireside, albeit without success.
As for a fire cert, well Ballythefireofficer and our so decorated solicitor friend Patrick E Enright will surely do him a turn. They better get their skates on because Deputy Commissioner Nicey Dicey Ricey is being Taken Home to Mayo ahead of schedule.
That is the same Nicey Dicey Ricey who’s burning ambitions were doused by a few pints late of an evening in John B’s. The problem with Writers Week is that when the beer goes in the talk comes out. Stick to the writing lads and let the talking to those of us who can keep our mouths shut when there is nothing good to say. John B might have said that it is asier to write than not to write but he also warned that while there may be a book in everyone, that not all books should be written. We would contend that such is the gush of material that no man can contain it so it has to be written down as man’s brain will not rest with such overhand of intelligence, so there’s another myth put to bed. People didn’t believe John B, they thought he was only stirring controversy to drum up business.
And one can only wonder if Nicey Dicey now believes that not all phone calls should be made? Alas there is now talk, yeah, talk, of a monument at Nacie’s birthplace but sure where would that be, Athlone or Castlebar, and Castlebar? Ah that auld Jennetic Code Theory has us confused again. Not to be outclassed but we have a compromise solution, we think he should be remembered with a wall plaque, in, well John B’s of course, exactly where it all ended! And we can point out the exact spot and which is just as well because they haven't a clew!
But here’s a better idea, let’s wait until nature takes it’s course and we’ll have a mass grave type of monument, that is when we have diagnosed the mutant Gombeen gene and eradicated them from the face of planet earth; well once we have made lovely Listowel a Gombeen free zone. And here’s the epitaph – “Hereunder lies, pun intended, the mother and father of all and any Gombeen, and all the babby Gombeens, dust to dust and ashes to ashes, The Fools Golden Brown circle returned full circle, now still committed to things brown, their own native brown ground!” Of course we will do better because it will be no day soon that we will be ordering the concrete.
Just imagine, a man from Castlebar commemorated in a bar in Listowel because he abdicated next in lineage to his castle, and all with a little help from his circle of friends. And sure wasn’t wan of our own called to the same bar, from one bar to another, a pub crawl and him derobed, an no April fool either. As we say at Ballythefireside, ‘if you can’t stand the heat.’ And who went with the flow, All Bar One, or is it All Bard One, maybe All Barred One; now there’s another work on our production line. They wanted a Ring on North Kerry and we got it, and what did they do, the hung themselves with the golden brown circle; the proverbial inside job! Just imagine they are so elite that nobody would do it for them, we didn’t even give them the rope because they had their own Gombeen G String. As the man says they be as straight as The Ring of Kerry and, well yes, and Satrock is the title therein and nothing to do with Rock Silence me might add; in fact they very opposite.
And you'd think times change but in The Field the Civic Guards stood up for justice, even if it was crude. The enemy within, the more things change the more they remain the same, if only. ‘Tis worse things be improving.
And we couldn’t forget to mention the fiasco that we landed the new Pope in, moreover as Bimbo Jimbo reportedly made a representation to The Vatican along the lines that he consider taking Robert as his papal name. Apparently His Holiness wasn’t having any of it and there was ever only going to be one name, given that our very own Francis was no saint, well not just a saint, but an angel. As Dilly O’Wee would say ‘every saint has a past and every sinner has a future’ and with Francis’s track record sure it was only a matter of time before those tracks would lead to Heuston Station for him to help run, or is it ‘ruin’ the country. And then Noonan quips that ‘if it quacks it’s a duck’, when we all know that there is only one Frank Quack, and boy can he duck! And here was Lixnaw bragging about Kate Middleton being wan of our own! Sure you couldn’t make it up. Now Rob might be a desirable name for, well say a solicitor, and wouldn't it save on the advertising; a brand made in Heaven for sure. But a good name for a Pope, hardly!
A bit of advice to the good people of Listowel might be to get rid of the excess baggage if you want to open a tourist route. You might find that others mightn’t stand in your way as much if you treat them with respect. But sure you'd know that yourselves anyway!
Me thinks that they became obsessed with John B’s line, pun not intended, Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin to the extent that they now think that Níl aon railway line mar do railway line féin. Now that's what you'd call 'putting butter on it'. You see Robert, there is only one line, The New Line, and it is my line, just like the fireplace, the house, the few bob, etc, etc.
But please do keep coming back for more, because persistence always pays off and eventually you will get exactly what you’re looking for. Although it takes an exception to prove a rule as you would now know when you didn’t get the €2.5m!
That Ring of Fire sounds good, feels warm for some, reminds of that warm welcome they got that famous night when they had their Operation Ballythefireplace moment, a brown trousers moment it was for sure.
The Ring of Ballythefireside
Down they went
as the flames grew higher
Still there be stink
from the night they stole the fire
Fingers burnt from hot property
oh the roars and sighs
Now plenty of fuel
make sure the turf be dry
Down they sank
the rounded up liars
Everybody applauding
nobody crying
Sauce for the goose
no need to ask why
Law was once yours
now down the straight line
Of four gold mines insurance scam
the country they destroyed
Up to every trick in the book
team plan, plot and ploy
Fools donning collars
fell over their toys
Put through the ring
a court house convoy
Forged of fire cert
with puff of a fag and a smile
Victims jumping through hoops to safety
now the Gombeens cook in their own ring of fire
No sympathy from the ringside
no drowning eyes
Ballythefireofficer was busy
as builder in disguise
With approval of politician
they mobilised rank and file
Gave their victims a roasting
now they themselves boil
Supposed laws and orders
breaking law all the while
No stopping the carnage
as inches became miles
Then thought they escaped
but life can surprise
Many on the pedestal
subsequently forfeited prize
No expenses spared
but no need for trials
The system they controlled
taking the country for a ride
They had The Watch Man
and his network of spies
And when backup be needed
the boyos in blue be the standby
Those outside the circle
be systematically compromised
As the cats grew fatter
bulging and bloating in size
But like all good things
they sowed seed of their own demise
Got careless with the plans
didn't need to be precise
Albeit in a different ring
they still stand side by side
Defiant and deluded
skin as thick as hide
They took to the altar
ridiculed victims so snide
But the people no longer naive
denial with facts did collide
Now they pleaded for rope
but now no allies
No matter how loud they roar
nobody is replying
Charity came to the recuse
handed them a plastic clothes line
Grip it good and tight
now your turn to fry
Like the lead life jacket handed down
by they themselves in days gone by
Or maybe we go one better
with a nice necklace tyre
Heaviest pockets weighted down most
thought they could fly
Big guns issuing orders
those with most stripes
Won the race to the bottom
their trade now won't ply
Your unlucky numbers came up
down and out you go out of sight
Reward of eternal heat
for being naughty, cruel and sly
Burden of society
taking the entire pie
Them them down my lord
they eb of bad types
Hosanna on high
sang the whole choir
Let’s see how mighty you be
as against the odds you fight
The fire now be glowing
but the brown circle sods not be so bright
The judge they could control
but law of gravity not be defied
Get out of that one
harder must you try
When people looked up
staring down was the squire
Now he is roaring
natural justice ire
Of boundless ambition
oh such burning desire
Didn't he do well
innocents enquire
Burnt at his own stake
no smoke without fire
If he be a wise man
he'd have thought it through prior
Funny how things change
when things turn clockwise
At last it's better
to be on the outside
Now all for the chorus
good bye, bad boys
You accomplished your objective
to great things did you did aspire
Ignorance be no excuse
now the flames you must climb
At Ballythefireplace hearth now regales
heart warming story and rhyme
Meanwhile we’d love to know what change of mindset did that Robert lad we referred to earlier undergo the night on the sinking ship in the mid-Atlantic? I mean if all this is happening ‘post-moderation’ be jazus but what was he like before? Was it that because the waters didn’t part that he now wants a railway line? The few bob we can understand but what did he want of a fireplace?
Well, well, well! Let's now see if the Gombeens are stopped in their tracks like they were by Ballythefireside. Here's our suggestion; re-open the railway, buy a super fast train and link up a hundred carriages laden of lead, then tie the Gombeens to the sleepers. Finally, hold a raffle with the winner getting the job of driving the train. In fairness Ballythefireside is entitled to nominate the driver, although we will celebrate anyway, free beer for a year!
Now there's at least another twenty verses for Operation Ballythefireside. Was it the loss of the €2.5m that made someone so angry? And sure we don't need a circus anymore; why pay for what you already have?
We now have reports that Ballythefirepair have already lifted the sleepers and sold them on, so no joy here again. Isn't it terrible though that such local heros as our Robert don't always get their own way. Those councillors ought to be ashamed of themselves, not bowing to this man's tantrums is such an insult. And his unwavering services to the locality, what with all that insurance money for worthy causes he has brought into the local economy. I mean look at the tourist attraction that he created at Lisselton Cross; it actually frightens people into Listowel. And what’s more that Enda Kenny cutting Robert off his €2.5m dole; now that’s cheek for you. That €2.5m was badly wanted by Robert and contrary to previous indications, word now is that he would have donated it all to St Vincent de Paul, as he usually does with such windfalls. Is it any wonder we call him god and bow to him. We must practice our religion more and maybe he might be canonised before the pope bails out?
Now we have heard of people walking the roads but walking the railways. Is it that all the roadside houses have been grabbed and now it is time to fool the farmers? Well we tell a lie, All Bar One , you see he didn’t get away with Ballythefireside, or Ballythefireplace.
Now is it that all the interest in this old railway line has little to do with Listowel and a lot to do with a bit of land. It wouldn’t be the first time this fraternity tried to stake claim where old railways were concerned. Sure Ballythefireside was built precisely where the Lartigue Turntable once stood, sat, then was Operation Ballythefireplace, an attempt to take control of the station, another station? Is it how they want to takeover The New Line and extend it to Limerick? No need, Ballythefireside beat you to it, we have taken it right around the world and everyone is enjoying the journey. And didn’t it all start at, well Station Approach on Store Street in Ballybunion, all under the management of none other than another wan of our own, Bimbo-Jimbo-O’Neill, or Hitler as is better known when looks is the key criteria of identification.
A local snout reckons that it could be that this is where the gravy train spilt and shed some valuable gems, maybe a watch, The Watch Man all over again? Never!
And now there is talk of two contenders for The Greatest Train Robber award; now who could they be? The mind boggles! And we couldn’t even offer The Greatest Fireplace Robber title as a consolation, because there is two contenders there too!
So John B wrote all about The Field so now we have to pen The Railway Line, but be warned Robert, The Line is Mine, as is Ballythefireside and Ballythefireplace. I am told I hold The Track Record for hanging onto my property despite The Long Arms of The Lawless.
I mean the cheek of the councillors not to obey you when you stomped your feet. Bad rearing they were. Is it that the day has now finally come that you have no influence? You should report them to The Gardai, well Hitler, sure you have his mobile! What is amazing is that your sole objective is the welfare of the future generation, the children of today, and then you get it all thrown back at you! A crying shame, just like losing the €2.5m shirt! A church gate collection be right and fitting for such a pillar of society; a Ballythefiregate collection, 'tis the least we could do in return for all the source material! Ballythefireside wouldn't be the same without you.
You have been warned!
Angry solicitor storms out of meeting on walking route
by Donal Nolan, Kerryman reporter, 13 February 2013
ONGOING controversy surrounding a standoff between farmers and walkers over the development of a walking route erupted in an angry outburst by one Listowel solicitor at a council meeting on Monday.
Solicitor Robert Pierse stormed out of Listowel Town Council's meeting on Monday saying the authority hadn't 'the courage to pass a resolution' on the issue.
Mr Pierse was among a group of up to 80 people who found themselves blocked from walking the old railway track from Abbeyfeale to Listowel by farmers at the townland of Rathoran - outside Abbeyfeale - one week previously.
Great Southern Trails (GST) is the group behind the development of the old railway track from Newcastle West to Abbeyfeale. They now hope to develop it all the way into Listowel as an amenity they say would attract tourists.
However, they found themselves facing barricades on the Kerry side of the tracks - mounted by up to 40 farmers who maintained a silent presence in a standoff that lasted hours.
Spokesperson for the landowners action group John Hannon say farmers in Kerry have deep concerns over the opening of the railway which cuts through their farms. He claims there is a question mark over who owns the tracks.
GST, however, are adamant that CIE own the tracks. GST head Liam O'Mahony addressed Listowel Town Council on the matter on Monday night at the Listowel Family Resource Centre.
Among the most prominent farmers behind the barricade was Listowel Town Councillor Denis Stack who refused to comment on the matter last week. Cllr Stack remained tight-lipped on the issue at Monday's meeting as Mr O'Mahony outlined the benefits he believes the amenity would bring.
He said that many landowners in west Limerick who were opposed to the route are now among its greatest advocates and sought to allay fears among landowners in Kerry on the issue.
Cllr Din Stack did not speak on the issue at all, but his colleagues were all in favour of the amenity. Cllr Maria Gorman pointed out, however, that the goodwill of the town council would have no bearing on progressing the route as it would be a matter for Kerry County Council.
It was some time after the debate had ended - while the annual litter report was being discussed - that Mr Pierse erupted from the gallery.
"Are you, as a council, going to pass a resolution on this?" he asked, standing up. Town Clerk David O'Brien asked him to sit down as there was no resolution put before the council and Mr Pierse was simply there - like the rest of the public - as an observer.
Mr Pierse persisted: "Are ye going to further the future of the town? Ye didn't even pass a resolution!
"I'm going to leave this as it has gone beyond a joke. Ye haven't even the courage to pass a resolution on it," he said, walking out.
Ballythefireside proverbs agus Cúpla Focal Sean Nós
He who interferes with the bird’s eggs shalt have no luck, and then there be those who feather their own nest of another’s little home
Word has it that we are going to have our own entry in the next Eurovision but we can’t decide on which song. Will it be Bring back My Fireplace to Me or The Line is Mine? Either way the singer is Robby Cash with Jim O’Neill on the fiddle. Let's hope they get a warm welcome where ever they go and we will also give them a good send off too!
Is it that the preacher will now open his own toll booth on the old railway line? And as he says himself, the more traffic the more accidents! ‘Tis an ill wind, a very ill wind!
And low and behold but here’s word of advice; if he requires planning permission on property he doesn’t own then Minister Mumbo Jimbo has the proven track record, as he tried it already with Ballythefireside, albeit without success.
As for a fire cert, well Ballythefireofficer and our so decorated solicitor friend Patrick E Enright will surely do him a turn. They better get their skates on because Deputy Commissioner Nicey Dicey Ricey is being Taken Home to Mayo ahead of schedule.
That is the same Nicey Dicey Ricey who’s burning ambitions were doused by a few pints late of an evening in John B’s. The problem with Writers Week is that when the beer goes in the talk comes out. Stick to the writing lads and let the talking to those of us who can keep our mouths shut when there is nothing good to say. John B might have said that it is asier to write than not to write but he also warned that while there may be a book in everyone, that not all books should be written. We would contend that such is the gush of material that no man can contain it so it has to be written down as man’s brain will not rest with such overhand of intelligence, so there’s another myth put to bed. People didn’t believe John B, they thought he was only stirring controversy to drum up business.
And one can only wonder if Nicey Dicey now believes that not all phone calls should be made? Alas there is now talk, yeah, talk, of a monument at Nacie’s birthplace but sure where would that be, Athlone or Castlebar, and Castlebar? Ah that auld Jennetic Code Theory has us confused again. Not to be outclassed but we have a compromise solution, we think he should be remembered with a wall plaque, in, well John B’s of course, exactly where it all ended! And we can point out the exact spot and which is just as well because they haven't a clew!
But here’s a better idea, let’s wait until nature takes it’s course and we’ll have a mass grave type of monument, that is when we have diagnosed the mutant Gombeen gene and eradicated them from the face of planet earth; well once we have made lovely Listowel a Gombeen free zone. And here’s the epitaph – “Hereunder lies, pun intended, the mother and father of all and any Gombeen, and all the babby Gombeens, dust to dust and ashes to ashes, The Fools Golden Brown circle returned full circle, now still committed to things brown, their own native brown ground!” Of course we will do better because it will be no day soon that we will be ordering the concrete.
Just imagine, a man from Castlebar commemorated in a bar in Listowel because he abdicated next in lineage to his castle, and all with a little help from his circle of friends. And sure wasn’t wan of our own called to the same bar, from one bar to another, a pub crawl and him derobed, an no April fool either. As we say at Ballythefireside, ‘if you can’t stand the heat.’ And who went with the flow, All Bar One, or is it All Bard One, maybe All Barred One; now there’s another work on our production line. They wanted a Ring on North Kerry and we got it, and what did they do, the hung themselves with the golden brown circle; the proverbial inside job! Just imagine they are so elite that nobody would do it for them, we didn’t even give them the rope because they had their own Gombeen G String. As the man says they be as straight as The Ring of Kerry and, well yes, and Satrock is the title therein and nothing to do with Rock Silence me might add; in fact they very opposite.
And you'd think times change but in The Field the Civic Guards stood up for justice, even if it was crude. The enemy within, the more things change the more they remain the same, if only. ‘Tis worse things be improving.
And we couldn’t forget to mention the fiasco that we landed the new Pope in, moreover as Bimbo Jimbo reportedly made a representation to The Vatican along the lines that he consider taking Robert as his papal name. Apparently His Holiness wasn’t having any of it and there was ever only going to be one name, given that our very own Francis was no saint, well not just a saint, but an angel. As Dilly O’Wee would say ‘every saint has a past and every sinner has a future’ and with Francis’s track record sure it was only a matter of time before those tracks would lead to Heuston Station for him to help run, or is it ‘ruin’ the country. And then Noonan quips that ‘if it quacks it’s a duck’, when we all know that there is only one Frank Quack, and boy can he duck! And here was Lixnaw bragging about Kate Middleton being wan of our own! Sure you couldn’t make it up. Now Rob might be a desirable name for, well say a solicitor, and wouldn't it save on the advertising; a brand made in Heaven for sure. But a good name for a Pope, hardly!
A bit of advice to the good people of Listowel might be to get rid of the excess baggage if you want to open a tourist route. You might find that others mightn’t stand in your way as much if you treat them with respect. But sure you'd know that yourselves anyway!
Operation Ballythefireplace and A Solicitor's Letter
A Solicitor's Letter
Yeah, we haven’t stopped laughing either and no, we are not following the footsteps of John B with his 'Letters of a TD, Matchmaker', etc, not that it would be such a bad thing anyway.
We have now laughed so much and for so long that we missed the deadline for the 2012 Writers Week Pierse & Fitzgibbon Solicitors Non-fiction Poetry Competition. By kind permission, or is it commission, or omission, of the sponsors, we have published our entry here, and it’s probably just as well because we were happy we got our house and our fireplace back, Ballythefireside and Ballythefireplace respectively that is, and we just couldn’t take the prize. No, unlike others, we wouldn’t stoop that low!
You all know that Ballythefireside would never laugh at another’s misfortune; na, we wouldn't even hit a man with advice if he was down, or even in this case when he was upstanding and walking all over the rest of us. However it takes an exception to prove the rule and no finer an exception could you find than someone stooping so low as to try to lift Ballythefireplace. Twenty years was a long wait and hopefully it is only the first of many a happy occasion in these terrible times; best served as a cold dish, slow burner, etc come to mind.
But this is only a quick stab, pun intended, and the knives are on the stone so it is only sharper they will be getting. Plenty of meat on the bone and we might yet get our day in court as all else has failed. Where there is a will there is a way although the solicitor says that where there is a will there is always a relative in the way, of trousering the proceeds that is.
In defense of our Robert who is of course one of our own, well wan of their own actually, we must admit we got it so badly wrong, we accused him in the wrong; we just didn't believe he had such a sense of humour, well we didn’t think he was as funny as we now know to be the case anyway. They better hide him while Fossets are in town or he'll be abducted. And now there's a novel idea for Writers Week for a new arty competition, The Clown of The Town. To Fossets we say you are welcome to him and 'twould be no crime; the search party will be small, a candlelight vigil is doubtful and sure in these circles it wouldn't be unknown for a few bob to throw the posse off the scent. Waterville has been knocked off it's perch with that Charlie Chaplin lad and sure he was only on the fictional screen. Our Robert pioneered reality TV before Louis Walsh was even born and if some of his cod acting in court was In Camera then Listowel would even relegate Hollywood. We'd then have Ballythefirewood!
Minister Gembo reckons that our Robert is even brighter than himself, that is in addition to being funny and of course Gembo is funny too, although we don’t share his sense of humour when it comes to peddling forged and fraudulent planning applications. We certainly wouldn't argue on the IQ although there wouldn't be a lot in it, pun intended; takes one to know one, one brain cell that is and of course two is company, not necessarily good company though. Given that we have a local minister, yes, for Culture and Arts, we decided to deliver the goods he promised at the Farmleigh shingding, that Arts and Culture would save the nation; what a partnership with the three of us collaborating, scheming, partners in crime; call it what you will. So we now have Robert and Gembo and K Man producing a poem on Culture and Arts, i.e. The Culture of trying to take away a house and a fireplace and the Art of catching them. Robert and Gembo of the Culture and K Man has the Art of course. That’s Enda and his Joined up thinking election promise delivered, by Ballythefireside. Now who said Enda and Ballythefireside wouldn’t get it together; well we did and didn’t we sandwich The Clown of The Town on our first outing. Enda the Lion it is and The New Line, or is it Endatheline and The New Lion?
Now stop Garda, don’t shoot the messenger. John B said that part of the reason we are such good writers at Ballythefireside is that we have plenty of local material. Jazus but John B was some visionary although something tells us that even he never imagined he could be so right. In his modesty he underestimated the mule element, that is in contrast to the Jennetic Theory of other members of the illiterary brigade, the very ill illiterary brigade as it happens, the Illigenetic posse of dual place of origin. For the rest of us that means those who believe they, and others, were born in two places. An identity crisis or what? If they are to be believed then you are who you are is no more. We are now all free of debt as we are no longer who we were and we have the law behind us on it; in fact the law pioneered it. We are all now of two fixed abodes, well two for now although with the Higgs boson development it is only a matter of time before we all have multiple origins.
It is so sad that John B in his formative years was tormented by a shower of dimwits, those absent of any artistic talent who feared him. And now look who is at it. No, we are not claiming greatness ourselves, but we do resent officialdom obstructing voluntary effort, moreover in the current climate and they paid with our money that we haven't got to promote it. In any event they are trying to stop the tide, and drowned they will be, in their own Feale Valley of Tears; sad as it sounds but choking in their own sick.
But you see it wasn't an ordinary house they tried to lift though, nor was it an ordinary fireplace. And if that wasn't enough Mr Enright up Church Street got jealous of what we will call Ballythefirepair and he tried to best them, and his best was, well Ballythefirecert.
And what have they all in common? Well, well, well, they all got caught, burnt. And so now we will all forever be carrying out sentences; ah no, you see there are sentences and sentences. Ballythefireside will be eternally penning sentences; our partners in crime shall, well be serving them, trying to complete them, escaping but never getting away. And here was youse all thinking the war was over. Prisoners of their own war of terror, captured and imprisoned by themselves. They even threw away their own keys. Is ait an mhac an saol.
Just imagine someone trying to take Ballythefireside AND Ballythefireplace away from us? We should write a solicitor's letter!
And yes, the brains are in over drive and the vein of literary genius that John B oft praised is alive and well. Here’s a few.
WHAT DID DET BLACKGARDING JIM O'NEILL SAY TO BALLYTHEFIREPLACE?
YOU’RE NICKED!
WHAT WAS THE REPLY?
YOU'RE AS THICK AS A THIEF AND YOUR LIGHT FINGERS WELL GET BURNT, and so they did
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
HE TOOK IT ALL VERY BADLY, AND, THEN, WELL, HE GOT NICKED HIMSELF DIDN'T HE
Ballythefireplace also asked Jim if he had any respect for the law
What did our Jim say to his partner in crime?
We will be on the run if we get away with this. Little did Jim know though but that his luck would run out. Did he get carried away by himself though? Jim unfixed it all alright, unfixed himself. Talk of fixtures and fittings, fixing and fitting things up, unfixing and unfitting more the like.
What did our Jim say to our Robert?
I have a sneaky feeling about all of this
What game did Jim and Robert play as youngsters?
Cops and robbers. Ah well sure you have to start 'em young and didn't they progress nicely. And you'd often wonder just who paid the bill? Someone should have footed the bill, with a good size twelve right where the sun don't shine!
Someone else feels that if Ballythefireside burnt Ballythefirepair and their long list of accomplices, then we should be set on the bondholders. Having saved the state €2.5m already we are so proud and there is lots more to come, and a lot less for the Gombeen gang. Angela's Ashes, ah now stop!
Then this youngster tells us that the joke at school was that Ballythefireplace was the hottest takeaway ever known, and well wouldn't it be! Sure be jazus but didn't they try to steal the bloody stove.
A local snout tells us that the best one he heard about town was that the multi-million donation was as Unrobert as you could imagine; RUBU it was - Robert, Upstaged, Busted, Unbearable. Leopards don't change their spots so now what could have changed? With it being IMF money and what have you, something had to give, and it wasn't Robert. Ballythefireside knows though so just watch this space; we want to make a timely revelation. It ties in with something else, strings attached but who's holding the boyos in the loop hole they got all tangled up in, by themselves, swam straight into the net, albeit a drift net. Poachers we are but don’t tell the bailiff, just not yet, don’t upset the party.
Another good one was that the Kerry midfield is now at last sorted with the long arms of the law that are our Ballythefirepair, our Jim aka Ballythefiregarda and Robert. And if they can lift a house and a fireplace they will try to grasp anything so JackO'C won't be worrying about any lack of commitment. As Jim says if it moves we'll lift it and with hot property being their speciality the ball is well within their reach, played right into their gwal. No more proven a partnership there is although we just hope that their two brain cells aren’t now damaged goods. At last a bit of competition to keep Star on his toes and what with Nacie and Enright sure things are also looking up for Mayo and Limerick, pun not intended.
Someone commented that the Gombeen gang got caught in Ballythecrossfire. What really happened was that they saw an opportunity to benefit personally by abusing their discretionary powers of public privilege and so they tried but got caught red handed, and should now present themselves at their local Garda station, failing which they must be rounded up. All of them without exception have repeat offended; in a recent case an attempt was made to steal a further €45k, and sure why wouldn’t they? Who is running Law and Order, Gombeens or those with a vocation for differentiating between basic right and wrong? If there are no consequences for Gombeenism then there can be no rewards for our talented; there is only one cake, and a rapidly diminishing cake it is with every day these systemic crimes remain unaddressed. What's that Garda Patrol number?
And we just had a phone call of the let who hasn't sinned cast the first stone type. They say we shouldn't lean on Robert in hard times and that it is so unfair that the law should be the same for him as it is for everyone else. He even had to pay VAT on the Curtin case and he did admit this on Radio Kerry although for some strange reason such headlines didn’t make The Kerryman which of course we forgot, is now under the control of one Denis O’Brien. FODOBs are our Ballythefirepair? Our Robert is no Mick Wallace when it comes to paying VAT, too right. And now The Golden Brown Circle have had to take a step down the ladder to Silver, albeit family silver, other family’s silver, and of course copper, and for all we know bronze statues. Is it that he is cutting in on another man’s trade? It would hardly be Robert’s first foray into the literary world, now would it. Although having gotten burnt you’d have thought he would stay away from hot and heavy metals. Precious metal was always their thing, well it was ours and it ended up being their's when they lifted it. And then it transpires that the head of the Northern Brigade, is well, Dicey Ricey of course. Sure he had the experience and his contacts in the industry did him no harm at all in getting that promotion, or so we were told, well we were led to believe beforehand anyway, although that might have been for a different job, a Knight in Shining Armour posting in contrast to lifting armour on a shiny night as was said!
And didn’t some wisecrack give us the one about the difference between Robert and a Golden Retriever; Robert is a Golden Receiver, and while we share the sense of humour we know of a few other differences, loyalty being one. We unreservedly apologise to the Canine family on behalf of these 'gentlemen' and beg to ask, who should be led of collar and lead?; who’d want the job?; sure you couldn’t take them anywhere
It is often said of the Golden Retriever that he would lead a robber to the family jewels
Love is blind and none more so than the love of money which is blind to nothing more than justice; money speaks all languages and solicitors listen and take it all in, pun intended
A local guy Miko also asserts that love of money is blind and that Robocop as he terms our Ballythefirepair put their fingers in the wrong place and, well burnt they got. And here was we thinking they were honest to the tips of their fingers.
Operation Ballythefireplace
There be law and order
of property, chattel and the road
Enforced by Ballythefirepair RoboCop
along the New Line Lartigue fold
Running from station approach in Ballybunion
to lord Gombfather preacher headquarters in Listowel
Sheriff, solicitor, judge, jury and defendant, all rolled into one
we be a law unto ourselves, the local golden circle diplomatic corps
Where there be cut of the fiddle we be first on the scene
streets, houses and public places we patrol
We strip assets by hook and by crook leaving places bare clean
outlaw conniving cronies causing chaos ourselves through cajole
In our heyday we claimed job seekers allowance
for providing employment to those on remand and parole
Though The Kid got derobed for trousering the lolly dosh grant
loudspeaker mouthpiece breaking the Gombeen Omertà ciúinis modus operational code
Copying old-dab-hand class-act pick pocket be the dangerous game
the poor lad be honey trapped into scoring a silver-lined fool's gold own goal
Reputation-riding put the long arm of the law in the wrong pocket
forcing Gombeen Gang membership cull, stricter exam to enrol and birth control
We also develop housing, commanding materials without charge
and top up at the weekend from an obliging forecourt
For no little profit we match-up crashed chassis-calamity cars
hoping that well honed cut-'n'-shut welding holds up when resold
We have work a plenty right through the hardest of times
and nothing be beyond reach of our joined up in a circle, long arms of the law
Once we set our sights on a loot we will have it whatever it takes
be it blah, chain saw, smash jaw, gun draw, claw or just grease of paw
We employ a posse of dismantlers, box shifters and drivers
and field a crew of area reps on the road
We alternate between gamekeeper and poacher
and we can borrow sniffer hound if the trail be going cold
Our army are always precise
on our own rule book of tricks
So once you be a warranted gang member
you holster authority over crime that we hold
You calculate what accidents be worth
getting top pay, conditions and tips
And there be other fringe benefits whether you be
on our dole payroll full or part-time
Other branches be under pressure but our business is booming
we not be under threat of government subsidy cutback or closure
For our special branch has property shop sideline enterprise revenue
local initiative that keeps the unit overhead unusually low
We be widely diversified across products and services
stocked of looted goods and accessories from ceiling to floor
Dunnes, Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and the chemist all put together
can't compete with our prices and such selection galore
But in Operation Ballythefireplace even the oven-gloves burnt into the flesh
playing with fire that turned out to be white hot, not cold
Rummaging under cover of darkness tested big bang theory
getting caught in Ballythecrossfire cracked our safe-graft crass code
With the lights out, up came the new fence
hard to resist temptation of antique so our luck we rode
But we must have tripped secret detonator switch
for some strange apparatus did explode
The Lartigue turntable uncoiled of Richter scale force
whirling us high in the air out through the front door
Once the dust had settled us moonlighters be caught red-handed
burnt were our finger tips, with fools gold lain aside on the floor
Oh the true unfettered spirit of that auld Ballythefireside hot-house
it's now big black burnt out eyes staring down on us be our ghost
Haunted by it be us Gombeen Tour de G Force passing Lisselton
Operation Ballythefirepower did us evil spirits exorcise with gusto
Was it almighty free energy spirit fighting off evil ghost
hot meeting cold that generated such whizzer cyclone?
Whatever it be, we shalt not now be soon returning
for Lisselton henceforth be a no-go area for our ilk, a Gombeen free zone
High-tail skedaddled, now our own quill be wayward
too awkward for our light now burnt claws to nestle hold
And us paraliterary pseudopoets now be pressing the wrong buttons
with our fat bandaged fingers on the keyboard
Inflamed with swelled heads causing standards to slip
as did literary legacy, for wordsmiths we be no more
Now resorted to new found if natural comical ghost writing skill
but what we now pen just doesn't fly, our phantom ink drops of cold stone
With our moonlighting masks melted, all was finally revealed
as the gorey details of spooked skeleton shenanigans did unfold
Like the target consignment on the night, it be for us too hot and heavy
and over on our backs at Lisselton Cross did The Golden Brown Circle roll
With man standing on his head, imagination be capped by G force
inkspiration up through a refill doesn't flow
Of noble New Line Ballythefireside literary reservóir
we once mocked and laughed at what we considered so low brow
Now into the ground thaws our own cold ink
lightweight watered-down, disappears like melting snow
Scratching bum and scraw, suffering stage fright shock and writers block
and whatever we now try be of stutter, stammer, stunted, stifled, stern and slow
The pen-pusher nib cracks and splinters
so the scrolls not be of sweet music but crow
And the un-chilling chalk stick against the grain of our black board
makes that unnerving finger-nail, squeak, screech, pitch noise of abhor
While of those we once downtrod, stonewalled and tormented
those who we thought were below
Their inspiration now from Heavenly high
just pours and pours and overflows
Painting picture of battle and bruise of victory
their well oiled ballpoint just rolls and rolls
As we scrape the barrel of our empty sculls
all we find is what be in the black hole
Yet when we dream of lofty, celebrated
and hero fulfilment glory days of old
All that graces us be nightmare
of guilt and ghost of gallows
Literary blossom and spirit of heart strings be temperamental
interference consigns perpetrator to gravity status quo
When man spends his time envying thy neighbours bumper harvest
away blow his own chances in life, off course and out of control
Permanently blighting village landscape, rupturing local literary vein
in what was more dark con-art and crass witch craft than finest hour chore
Us flawed hybrid pedigrees severed our own thin blood supply
betraying tunic honour and abdicating forefather henceforth
Us naughty splinter RoboCops on active moonlight service
big Ballythefirepair officer and agent of the law brave and bad bold
Too contrary to have listened and abided
by Ballythefireside wisdom as oft told
The moral of the story be
tread carefully out of bounds
What glistens in the dark of night
was found to be but of fool's gold
Of another man's possession steer clear
trap often be blind to intruder
Too late now as us tricksters got badly burnt
when Operation Ballythefireside crossed the threshold
Losing our touch now mere shadow of what we once were
light fingers eternally wounded and we be getting a bit old
Maybe 'tis the end of the journey, time to hand over the badge
to the next generation who have grown of the mould
Us insiders had good innings 'til our luck ran out
ne'er repent nor remorse, sure 'twas only our souls we sold
Fortune flowed free where we backed up the truck
the system we augured for ourselves to freeload
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla focal Sean Nós
Those of burning ambition in the literary world be of two types, Ballythefiresiders and those with a sod of turf between the ears, a Ciaráin of turf as we'd say locally
Respect for people and property are two basics we learn at school. Now what school did some of us go to you’d wonder? Templemore and Blackhall Place! Say no more!
If the Gombeen swallowed a crowbar would it straighten him out, or up? Then he would no longer fit the circle; would he break it? Is this when things take a turn for the worse? That his name was Dunlop could only happen in Ireland and lucky he didn't have hand, act or part in Operation Ballythefireplace, or maybe he did and that made his squeal; and in which case it was another Gombeen we dethroned; jazus but some of 'em are a pure melt!
The light fingered pick-up all they want but light touch regulators don't pick up finger-prints
Taking the heavy load and thieving of the cargo are hardly the same
The apprentice criminal shall serve out his time, one way or another
The Gombeen network nets small fish
If being economical with the truth maximises profits, then the truth can be very costly
If money be the root of all evil and a religion to many, and as economics determines everything in the long term, is money the root of all matter of conflict? Property be more about who belongs to where as opposed to what belongs to whom.
If money be the god of those with lots of it, do the rich have more faith?
Clewless Gardai with no cop on have to be policed the honourable officer?
Only bent cops are members of the golden brown envelope circle and like their fellow solicitor members, they are not for turning, because if they did they might straighten and the system would break; it is no place for straight talkers.
He who doesn’t have a leg to stand on runs fastest, and of course it takes an exception to prove a rule; our RoboCops escaped, but they never got away, well not with Ballythefireplace anyway, because, well didn’t they got caught in Ballythecrossfire
And Jimmy, yet another local initiated literary man claims he contacted the world renowned author John Grisham to see if he would do a book on this outfit. It would certainly put Writers Week on the big map but alas it was not to be. Grisham said he only did fiction. He also said though that he had heard all about the Gombeens and he doubted that there was anything he could add. Fact is stranger than fiction for two reasons then. Firstly fact is unknown of in these circles and secondly the criminal is far more imaginative than us literary folk. You have to take your cap off to them, pun intended or not? And if you don't sure they'll take it off for you, just as they take everything else they lay their eyes on.
Another local joker observed that Pierse & Fitzgibbon should clean up their own act before sponsoring the tidy towns; now whatever was meant by that?
Consistent with Ireland's aspiration to be the smart economy Ballythefirepair have thrown in their tuppeny bit; the have launched a new Carriage of Sale property business, so it doesn't matter who buys, they will carry the goods for themselves. The only problem is that it failed the pilot test, Ballythebackfire. So now they need to sharpen their marketing skills as they can no longer claim that the service works with houses and fireplaces.
And someone just sent in the following, apparently an old cutting from The Kerryman and we are always interested in these -
FOR SALE WIDE RANGE OF LOOTED GOODS
Power Tools –Black & Decker, Hitachi Kangos, etc
Electrical Household Appliances -TV’s (2nd hand Black & White and new Colours), Videos, Fridge Freezers, Toasters, etc. Also a selection of jewellery –Wedding & Engagement rings, Eternity rings a speciality, perfect fit for Gold 'n Bold Brown circle. Outboard Motors, Electric Fences, Garden Equipment, Lawn Mowers, Hose Reels, etc.
Second-hand Pocketometres and Dodgeometres, reconditioned due to heavy usage.
Pocketometres monitor activity of Long Arms in pockets, invaluable when used in conjunction with the Dodgeometre which detects Long Arms in other people's pockets, ideal for The Long Haul.
Also coming in soon - House at Lisselton in need of repair-with or without boundary fences –I.e. Uprooting and overnight disposal a speciality as proven with Ballythefirewall. Expedited Planning Permission available to non-owners and intending thieves by prior arrangement with our TD and Engineer. Title deeds can be tailored to your needs, proven and fully approved by HQ in collaboration with Irish Lawless Society and Solicitors Anti-Disciplinary Tripeurinal.
Also contents therein - Antique Fireplace, returned from Dublin by previous thieves and accomplices.
We also offer a valuation service, just tell us where you store your valuables. Garda discount applies at the usual rate.
Panel of Solicitors having carriage and four of scheme: Pierce, Penetrate, Persecute & Plunder or Leeways, Wayward, Gombeen, Leech & Noright, Church Street, Listowel, Co Kerry.
Fire Certs also arranged through Leeways, FOI and Council resistant, also available with Council approval for pubs for extra €500, in cash. Special Gombeens quantity discount and bonus card points apply for regular patrons.
New stocks coming in daily.
Personal attention insisted upon at all times.
Apply Jim'll lift it aka Ballythefiresale
The One Cop Stop Property Shop Special Branch
Superstore Street
t/a Sideline Enterprises
PUC -Public Unlimited Company
Ballythefirestation Approach
Ballybunion
Co Kerry
Phone Ballybunion 104 -Morning, noon or night
PLEASE NOTE THAT WE DO NOT ACCEPT CHEQUES, CREDIT CARDS, BANK DRAFTS. USED BANK NOTES IS OUR PREFERRED PAYMENT METHOD AND WE ALSO PROVIDE A BARTER SERVICE; E.g. IF YOU CAN PUT BUSINESS OUR WAY WE WILL ALWAYS RETURN THE FAVOUR. WE OFFER ENDLESS REFERENCES AND TESTIMONIALS, ALL FROM THE MOST UPSTANDING MEMBERS OF THE COMMUNITY OF COURSE.
Our motto be - We be a one stop cop shop, no cops stop us as there be no stopping us
BallythefireGarda - An Ode to Jim'll Unfix it
Don’t forget whatever it is
BallythefireGuard Jim’ll have the power tool, to unfix it
Trust his badge and his long arm of the law
he even un-fixes and lifts when William O’Brien fails
Be it for fixture of fitting, house and shoplifting
a bag of cement or a gallon of petrol
If it moves Jim’ll shift it
if it doesn’t he won’t let you down
His long arm of the law for the Long Haul
it only lifts the best, the very best, the almighty best
All products with lifetime guarantee
new for old with stocks always coming in
Even after his walk to the park
still busy be Jim fiddling and finding and lifting and shifting
Wherever it is, whatever it takes
“I will deal with you personally myself” is his motto
Now who said personal service was dead
it’s alive and living at Station Approach
Our Mission statement states there be no questions asked
it's a business we are running and not a quiz show
Turnover is quick, no questions asked
around the countryside we whizz and not slow
Contact our station before you talk to anyone else
confidentiality assured, we are here to help
It be a one way street transaction of no cash
just tell us where the loot to be lifted lies
And around in a jiffy with Jim at the wheel
will be the Black Maria in a dash
Once we pay you a visit
you'll have nothing to worry about
Because we'll take it all away
but only the visit we pay
Taking a load off your mind
soon coming your way
Us of the Golden Brown Circle busy doing our rounds
lassoing loot and chattel; morning, noon, night and day
P.S. 1 Any rumour that our branch is closing is incorrect; business is booming. And anyway we don’t get haircuts, we give them! We do not require state intervention as we are a law unto ourselves.
P.S. 2 All offers are subject to availability and terms and conditions apply. Prices are cash ex-stock and night delivery is included. We appreciate information and we are always looking for New Lines.
A Solicitors Letter
You might take an educated guess
in your studies to avoid swat and cram
And then end up getting a kick up the backside
when you sit down and not recognise the exam
Drunk lad moves in cheek to cheek for a snog
as he slow dances to shift the hen
During her farewell, dirty dancing
disco party, last fling, weekend
Not wishing to get her into trouble
he sounds out if she be on the pill
Taking her shy smile as guilt admission
he comforts her about shotgun sin
Whisper slurring sweet nothings
he then goes in for the kill
Only for her vocation to finally erupt
with a facial backhand clash freezing him still
Her nuptial promise
she then refuses to fulfil
Instead she spreads her wings
for the nuns in disgust
Rather than go against her teaching
and Almighty God's will
Having stretched the budget
for a lavish bit of nosh
The answer might be 'don't know'
when the question be popped
The trainee barman might fumble and fidget and flinch of fright with the change
while dillydally docking and diddling the young musketeer drunk
As he stumbles and staggers and swings and straightens and sways
spewing and spraying and spitting and splurting gobbledygook
Then the old pro frowns furiously, flexing and flailing his long burly arms
demonstrating precisely for the umpteenth time how the ritual should be fun
Going through the motions, step by step with absent minded guinea pigs
he shows how that as the evening progresses the easier it be done
Only for the light-fingered fiddle to be captured start to finish
and the twiddle twisting ends up tagged and trending viral on Twitter and Facebook
Then the whole world starts using it as a teaching tool
to pass on the tricks of the licensed trade to the apprentice crook
They even apply to the local politician for grant aid
to commercialise the idea in a 'For Dummies’ book
But the venture be more yeast slop than top-shelf Yeats spirit
as the greasy pawed greedy Gombeen yet again runs out of luck
And the curtains fall on the intoxicated start-up enterprise
as the under-study program was clearly for stage undercooked
Then the students do Time and Motion work study
addressing the flaws that the auld dab hand overlooked
Now they run amuck screwing the dimwit barman
getting all the drink they want without parting with a buck
The teacher now forced from high-stool back to high-school
as by the swashbuckle phenomenon he be totally spooked
And all because his outdated, best practice, modus operandi methodology
in the world of modern technology came unstuck
Alas the local drama group take it around the country
using it for wannabee actors in breaking their duck
Student dreams of Hollywood and Ballythefirewood invoke nightwares of fame
with the people of parish and country now star-struck
Dracula the seasoned madam sex-and-the-city
the local toy-boy snatcher
Flirts and evil eyes the sturdy now ripe
strapping, burly lad at the barn dance
Only for him to decline a grab a granny
innocence losing steamy roll in the hay
For an après-hours hangover session
with the lads back at the pub
You might run into the corner shop
for a packet of fags in a shower
Only for a new parking warden to assert power
of the anorak uniform on his first day in the job
The housebound wife might go hysterical
after her date of birth lotto numbers finally came up
Only to discover that himself had just for Cheltenham week decided
to improve on their chances with a Yankee on the day of The Gold Cup
As punter in residence down in the local betting shop
he applied his expert knowledge of horse and hound during a session in the pub
After carefully weighing up the odds he invested her wager
at odds that were carefully selected give the bookie a rub
For months after he be eating out
rummaging the dustbin for grub
While his poor wife had to attend
the local meditation club
You can have a bad day over in The Island at The Races
backing each-way nags that should be backed under a cart
And when they tried to get him to line up
‘twas back-ways out of habit he wanted to go from the start
You may even have a leg in the gee-gee who Devon Lochs it
when the victorious roar from the crowd did him scare
With the champagne on ice and the town on stand-by
everything had to be aborted
Just as everyone was readying to collect their winnings
and the celebrations were about to get underway
The ice would now melt with the dreams
and jubilation would have to wait for another day
A 25lb wild salmon can get away in The Smearla
snapping tightline and strings of poor fisherman's heart
He then has to surrender his weeks pint pocket money
to pay for an auld frozen, farmed sprat from the shop
Worse still the foreigner is licensed
to pouch with net from our shore
Yet Paddy casts his flies
and the bailiff chases him home to the door
Then he hears back in the pub what happened
with his confiscated catch
Devoured it was at pompous party
of high brow posse of solicitor and sergeant
Ned the donkey might kick the bucket
with the turf still in the bog
Then the poor pensioner faces the cold winter
without coal, turf or log
Still he’d have company of The Collie
but poor Chep got poisoned of a night roaming the country
Having scented invite from far afield
to a procreative love making session
The 15th of August might come and go
and still not a sop of hay in the barn
And having rescued unfortunate neighbour before
he now refuses to oblige of return
Your best milker might burst her waters
and go into heavy labour
Just as the referee blows the restart
of the All Ireland final
Or a single beast might bring down
your prize herd of purebreds in the test
That you devoted your entire lifetime
building up from scratch to be the world's best
You might not even now own
the bed where you lay
And spend years without
a moments sleep or rest
The rings of the creamiest pint of ordinary
in the town and beyond
Might be tormented by stage scarecrow
or unwelcome company curse
A man might have laid out his bottom dollar
for a litter of Clonmel greyhounds
And end up with a pack of hungry
pretty prancing and purring pet puppies
You may pray to God
for weather for the garden
Only for it to work against you
at each and every twist and turn
It might pour rain every hour
of your well earned week's holiday
Then the sun splits the rocks
once you return to work
You then arrive home stressed of an evening early
and wonder of all the commotion upstairs
Then you find your best mate the priest
and herself doing the dirt
The sugar daddy might rejoice on the news
that his babe be expecting an addition to the kin
Only for her to clarify later over drinks
that it is a grandchild that his son slipped in
You can score an own goal
that loses the local football derby
And be jeered off the field
as your own mother berates you with a puck
Then you envy your worst enemy
who gets man of the match
And he arm-chaired around town
parading with the cup
Later in evening as you drown your sorrows
your childhood sweetheart texts that she is jumping ship
Then you find out she was courting the hoor for months
when you were abstaining in the run up to the big match
And if that wasn't enough he lets you in on a secret
while drunk on the stage with the band
That what made him play so well and you so bad
was the nightly company of forbidden flesh in love-land
The €uro can crumble around us
and bring down the house
And an off-side score is allowed
against us in Poland
With a solitary goal and no point
we then annoy Roy of the Rovers
As we rejoice in song and dance
for all we be worth
Trapped in Trap door handcuffs
still you'll never beat the Irish
Youse Spanish only beat us 4 nil
you didn’t take us apart
We’ve been fooled by Thierry Henry
and the bond holders
And then the All Blacks were gifted
by a bent ref with a ruck
Young John Joe sweated gallantly and gloriously for gold
only to peak a match too early out of pure hard luck
Barnes loses on a dodgy count-back
having delivered swing, jab, knockout blow and uppercut
We've even lost an odd All Ireland
to Down, Darby and Dub
And then for an eternity had to listen
to every useless article giving us the rub
But nothing in the solar system could compare
to the anguish, the pain, the grief and the hurt
‘Twas the wettest of watery wet weeks of all winters
the Market Street monsoon had him cursing and farting
The day Operation Ballythefireside and Operation Ballythefireplace
both Ballythebackfired and recoiled and justice finally got its own back
When poor Robert started bawling his arse crying
over losing his €2.5m silken shirt
Some people ask not what the country can do for them
but what they can do for each other
Then there are those who tried to take down the country
and then one of them got caught and fell over
What goes around comes around
oh look at what went on at The Cross and elsewhere
He who puts his dirty paws on another man's property
the mantle of the error of his ways will he bear
The Emperor now absent of cover
he hath no clothes to wear
The derobing tells the truth
apart from skeletons the wardrobe is bare
No more drum beat
by self-appointed moral custodian police
Now crumpled pillars
the people are no longer mushroomed, unaware
The do as I say and not as I do
is of no consequence no more
He who does the crime shall now serve his time
if of no remorse, then at his leisure in despair
He who refused to make good the ill take
shall at every turn repay the full fare
Trust only be lost once forever
the seal of confidence can never repair
Inflict insult and injury, then insistence of innocence
be unforgivable beyond all prayer
He of trouble maker and rainmaker industry
shalt the fruits of his work share
All mercy be restrained
even by the jennets and their foals at the fair
From corner to corner of society
nowhere in the whole world will he find care
He once owned the shirt
of silver buttons and golden circle white collar
With a badge that he gambled
on a famous lost case
Did Endathelion tear it off his back?
they were seen having fistycuffs up the back-way
The day the bravest Mayo giant guru rode bareback into town
against local opposition his hairy chest he pushed out so brave
Some thought our own minister was delivering on his promise
of a local re-enactment of The Quiet Man with John Wayne
Such ferocious festival fever with wild bloodied raging bulls
around the corridors of power that was the streets down to the square
The whole world was watching with hawk eye bird's nest cameras in the air
But neither appeared of the world
to have even the slightest concern or care
Nobody was going to cross Endathelion
and he who did would pay dear for his dare
It was Wild West meeting Sir Robert King of Compo under law of the jungle
may the best man win in a fair game of laissez faire
You had party hacks and henchmen coming between them
and even the local minister himself was already readied knuckle bare
Fianna Fail promised they’d provide the curtain raiser
but where would they now find a suitable fighting pair?
They had two course and distance contenders
but now both struggling from wear and tear
In their time they would have gone toe to toe regularly
adding excitement to The Harvest Festival leaving nothing to spare
Now battle weary and worn
from holding centre court on better days
If these warriors were on camera
then nothing to it would compare
And there was an old score still to settle
then where better to have it maintained and repaired
Than here in front of the local electorate
in front of the whole audience on the big stage
This pair chorus proclaimed that the blue-shirts
were only Fianna Fail lightweights
And that the load was now heavy
but for their reputations would they now fight
For entertainment value alone
they could not be ignored
And anyway to leave them out in the cold
and ignore them would be so unfair
When you needed to hit low
to sort things out at grassroots level
Then Fianna Fail were the only party
who could stage such display
While they dithered and argued
the decision went to HQ
But the two couldn’t resist
and wouldn't be denied nomination
With such smell of old bad blood
and such fight in the air
Despite calls of plea from Micheál Martin
they would not be deprived of opportunity so rare
Against defending their respective honours
they wouldn’t be persuaded
And so the match-up was set
with everything on the table
To take that last seat they would now each have
to rise out of the corner chair
Word flowed down The Shannon
that Dilly O'Wee was on his way
And that he would take on this pair singled handed
as he was now trained by the defense corps
The crowd wanted so badly of Willi and Willie
that the holy man had then down on their knees in prayer
Ballythefiremandan didn't like being ignored
so he stood up and started to swear
He proclaimed that he be king of North Kerry
and anyone standing in his road should now make way
His eyes watered of burning ambition
of a pair of wee Willies he didn't care
By hook or by crook the day would be his
he'd use his power and might being a billionaire
And if all else failed sure his old friends Maguire and Patterson
could be called on to save the day
One way or another it wouldn't be a Dilly Willie contest
not which I am king, neigh neigh neigh, ole ole ole
The gaffer, ganger Angel Francis aka Frank The Quack descended from high
Hovering as he consecrated the ground for grip with saw dust
He then arranged ringside seats with borrowed bales of hay
from only the well established and proven sources of old he could trust
If Robert was going to be without his shirt
then Endathelion would also have to strip down to the waste
The friendship like the shirt now torn between two ex lovers
poor Robert and Dáil Éireann now gone their separate ways
When you push your luck too often
on too many you prey
It eventually runs out and your number is up
their ticket comes out and the price of the prize you will pay
Blinded by mouth frothing, craw thumper greed you picked on the wrong fool
and so torn was the shirt as dawned D reckoning day
Ballythefireofficer was quick to the scene
by golly but you need a cert for an event like that
People can’t congregate without license from me
it’ll be 500 smackers upfront and none of your auld chat
The only exception be when I have to rise the fists myself
when things are not going to my business plan
I also have the law with me so I can do as I wish
I know a rural station where I can good as sign off stuff with my own hand
Once it works the first time there be no stopping after that
when us important uniforms use our authority collectively
We be more proxy syndicate, blanket defense
than one man bands
One day it might be my turn
currently I am developing a plot of land
Tomorrow it be another one of our own
the man on the take always has call of helping hand
If I have to start official paperwork
for this important event
It could take months and months
to process properly by the book
There’ll be no fist fight in town today
and the show it will have to be put back
Now if anyone bid grease my paw
then with no twist of the arm
Permission for the craic
I will personally grant
Maybe someone be in need of my stock in trade
and for their own merchandise I can swap
Pat Enright was quick to the rescue
in my good office this is how things are done
A case I will doctor to sort out the matter
it is worth a lot so start can the fun
As long as my pet client
can continue to sell porter
For him the law
needs to be ignored
As for the lad who be in your way
with his land-locking tract of land
I'll sort out his file
for your good self in return
Sure he's away in London
and without local connection
I once tried it on with him
and I got so badly hurt
I thought with Billy The Kid and the gang behind me
'Twould be no bother to floor him with instrument blunt
I have connections in The Law Society and politics
and I drive home from court plastered with bent cops
After spending the morning rolling porky pies to the judge
and the afternoon celebrating now pissed as farts
Sure I'll also get Dumbo to sort out the planning
nobody will notice as we work behind closed doors in the dark
This is now my turn at last we have common enemy
come on John, us partners in crime
Lets again do the dirtiest of the dirt
for scheme like this it only be the umteenth time
We can always bend the line if the worst comes to the worst
and if we get caught sure as usual, someone else will for us bite the dust
Sure it happened before and Linda Kirwan came to the rescue
although she left it a bit late to have a word with the judges
Nevertheless I kept my frock despite the bug in my building
although a few bob it cost and Ballythefireofficer did fudge
With The Angel Francis and Dicey Ricey's Rangers protecting us
all I did was the evidence smudge
Then a wink and a nod and a few bob
after that we got the acknowledgement nudge
Ballythefirecerts now off the menu
'cause Enda got so cross
You'd have thought he’d be a pushover
jazus did he show us who was boss
In future we must be careful
to apply more gloss
And when sharing it out
we must be careful where we get our sauce
For there's no point in getting caught
all the sweating and them fines turning projects into losses
Paying the big bung and officials only there in body
swinging the lead on the doss
The Minister then blessed all that was going on
and the crowd applauded
A local solution
to a local problem
Such urgent business
with so much at stake
Fair game in the town
I won't condemn or interrupt
The Watch Man messenger boy himself
would be at the head of affairs
Sleeves rolled up putting his latest
now vintage Rolex on display
He couldn’t rely on heresay
to file report of such an occasion
The timing would have to be spot on
with so much in the balance on the day
Best equipped to be the referee
and clock-watch keeper he would be
Sure 'twas even rumoured that he be
in a joint venture with our Robert
To supply goal-line technology
to all our football and rugby games
They'd have that unique combination
of uninterrupted record and integrity
For such self-appointed power of authority
in law and order we should be grateful
They be a law unto themselves
keeping us all on the straight
Lifetimes of meeting public service obligation
and all without ever helping themselves to any loot
A more honest man than The Watch Man you couldn’t find
to deliver the goods
Such a long track record
as a watch man himself
Having personally picked
the very best timing equipment
Straight from our national
supply chain network truck shelf personally for himself
Now that the ask was there
the local heros would fight
It would end a career
to lose such a campaign
First to fall in front of the electorate
forever be blighted
For the winner
a life of chauffeur and champagne
From the sharp shooter's revolver
the silver bullet backfired
The man’s mind now only
of shattered dream
Freeloader backing up the truck
with the loot
The lads about the town
now celebrating with a few beers
The sobbing from whaling and sulking
now flooding the Feale Valley of tears
The lawyer fought the law
and the law won
Got on the wrong side of the letter
of moral street law
So he goes and breaks the wrong one
then off must be chopped the long greedy, greasy, paw
We are told he had ordered a settlement
of no less than 125 repossessed houses
Family planning by buying on the cheap
for clatter of clutch of clan not even born
Vested interests putting poor decent people
on the roadside
Jobless fathers, under nourished children
and helpless mothers in mourn
The Curtin case already
cost the tax payer €20m
Some justice now done
dues not be refused by clawback
Oh the deluge of tears from crying
and laughter
Writers Week will be mighty of booze
garnisheed fresh news
For some it will be just reward
of eternal bruise of blues
Scant consolation for the vulnerable
who all the years their likes to little reduced
For the rest of the world
pure, unadulterated, overdue amuse
The thought of what society has come to
scheming, robbery and systemic child abuse
Escaping is not getting away
the hare sits
The Gombeen gang no longer
decides for us what is true
Of the day poor Robert
lost his €2.5m shirt
Light pockets in the wind
his trousers wavered and blew
The cracks are opening
the house of cards is falling
As people take their place
in the queue
The rules of the game
have changed for the better
To call things as they are
is no longer taboo
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla focal Sean-nós
The longer injustice prevails the more the blood boils, and roasts
If you escape through the net then there is no safety net
Is the title of Superintendent derived from intention as opposed to action?
The bully be powerless when you don't worry about him; the only thing is that the Gombeen bully has a cartel so everyone is forced to deal with him. Ballythefireside discovered that he is the purest, unadulterated coward imaginable, spineless ... so we burned them, well they did it themselves touching hot property they couldn't afford.
In attacking the system solicitors are effectively an autoimmune disease for which there is no known cure
If possession be nine tenths of the law then based on the law of probability solicitors can do what they like, and so the law be an ass, and which makes solicitors smart asses
When it came to loitering with intent at Ballythefireside, were Ballythefirepair found wanting?
Solicitors put people on the street and now they can’t walk the streets themselves, although they may well have to one day soon, and not a day too soon
Which is more painful, getting their light fingers burnt with the quill or being hands on with Ballythefireplace? Maybe Ballythefiregarda can tell us? Neither could conduct themselves not to mind heat and ah well, if you can’t stick the heat ….
The light fingered are anything but honest to the tips of their fingers, with the tips of their fingers, the now burnt tips of their fingers
Who is worse, the light fingered or the lad who won't even lift a finger?
What have Ballythefirepair and a finger got in common? Neither can be bent!
Fingers must bend before they can be crossed, for luck
There is no limit to what the he light finger will lift but the ink will always flow after him
The crooked cannot may be bent, but not backwards and certainly not straightened out
The devil tempts the idle and the busy most
Which law breakers are worse, law makers or law enforcers? Unfortunately we don't have to make a decision as we have plenty of both
What have James Bond and Ballythefirepair, got in common? Gold Finger
Only the crooked can negotiate the dangerous bends in life
The crony blanket defense has smothered society but they refuse to throw in the towel
There be but six inches between a scratch of the back and smack in the arse and the long arm of the law can reach another six to empty your pocket
Some beat the system while others simply tweak it
The soul of the stoney heart shalt drop, like a stone
If you want to solve the crime simply follow the money line; Now who will we credit with this? Obviously some people didn’t take their own advice and followed the scent of heat all the ways to Lisselton and Ballythefireside, and well, got burnt! Shouldn't RTE Crimeline therefore be called RTE Moneyline?
Most people pay their way in society; bribers pay their way through it, solicitors walk straight through it, us
The second most dangerous brains are in cells, the most dangerous are the ones who didn’t get caught
The coalface is a dirty and dangerous place of risk to the navvy and reward for he who raids the pot
There are lots of ways around Ballythefireside and one of them in not driving straight through it with the carriage and four, as Ballythefirepair learned the hard way, the hot way; it certainly gives a new meaning to the term burning ambition and sure wouldn’t any fool know that Ballythefireside is no place for horses!
Given that there never ever existed as much as a single straight in nature, where did solicitors inherit their crookedness from; man interfering with mother nature again?
If solicitors in South Kerry are deemed to be as straight as The Ring of Kerry are their North Kerry counterparts as long and grey and bent and stony faced as my meandering silver river Feale? Or maybe we should just tar them all with the same brush and deem all solicitors to be as straight as the Irish coastline?
Writing letters to the authorities does not address, let alone stamp out corruption once the brown envelope prevails; posting concerns on The Internet is clearly effective, democratisation of information and knowledge, the future of society, say hello to the information age. Freedom of Information without the €50 slush fund contribution. Freedom of speech it is called in democracies.
What's the difference between Robert and the thieves who go around trying to remove street statues of our past literary greats? They are bronze merchants while Robert deals in Silver and Coppers, well bent cops
White collar criminals are not welcome at Ballythefireside; the rejection alone makes them a bit hot under the collar
Good and bad people lighten your load, the good offering help, the bad relieving you of what you own
Is the whole of institutional arrogance equal to, greater or less than the sum of the parts? Some of the parts may well exceed the sum of the parts.
What’s the difference between the metal thieves and Ballythefiregarda? Jim didn’t realise that unlike himself Ballythefireplace conducted heat; hot property that was too hot to handle and when Jim couldn’t conduct either himself or the heat, he got his light fingers burnt. And it wasn't An Bradán Feasa either because Jim cannot tell the future, nor the past; in fact our Jim cannot even tell the truth and neither can he even get away with telling a lie. He told us he would deal with us personally if we attempted to erect a fence around our house, Ballythefireside that is. And well do ya know what but he never showed up to deal with us, and we were expecting him, we had the kettle on, on Ballythefire of course, Ballythefireplace in fact. What could have delayed him? Now his trip to The Phoenix Park couldn't have taken that long? Here's a bit of advice Jim, never touch what you cannot afford. Mutton heads get roasted alive in Ballythefireplace so is that why you didn't call around, again!
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong – Voltaire
If established authorities are wrong then devise a solution and charge the hoors for it; then everybody is out of danger and happy – Ballythefireside
Poor Voltaire also ignored the fact that doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the greatest form of madness
The safety net is of no help to little fish
What is the difference between Ballythefirepair and Maradona? Diego had the hand of god
It is high time to stop arse licking and kissing and start arse kicking
The out of joint nose has stronger scent
The crooked man cannot give a straight answer and doesn’t he also have a crooked look?
What happens when the law is found to have strayed above the law?
The man who foregoes the holiday is hiding something
The smallest brain is capsuled of the biggest boot
The tidy desk is that of he who does little or too much
Did Ballythefirepair ever hear what John B said about firesides? Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin, there is no fireside like your own fireside. Ah they did but like everything else the long arm of the law led them to believe that what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own. And so Robert thought Ballythefireside was his just like Jim thought with Ballythefireplace. And both were wrong. You see they are both ours and yes, there is nothing like them, nothing! The power of Ballythefireside has burnt all comers, all Gombeen hypocrites; politicians, cops, Brendan Gleeson’s girlfriends, numerous solicitors but not too numerous to mention, pilots, a returned yank, Miss Nothings, rats, Fire Officers, members of the disciplinary tribunal and their girlfriends, etc. As John B would say we’ll put butter on it for you so you won’t forget, and so we did! We should call the guards, and so we did! Ireland is in a state of no consequences no more and sure we'd hardly claim credit for turning the corner and leading the way, The Kerry way!
What is the difference between Ballythefirepair on the one hand, and the street criminals? The former are paid to uphold law and order
What have Ballythefirepair and the metal boyos all got in common? They are all enemies of the literary world. P.S. Being the source material for a right laugh is not a mitigating factor.
Talk of sourcing material, for Ballythefiresale!! Stealing steel or what I hear you say but they forgot they were stealing from steel, and steel rebounds and when it does it stays implanted in their mutton heads. There is even rumour that they were even seen lifting the old railway lines under the guise of a charity walk. Some charity walk alright, charity starts at home, well ends up at home, the proceeds that is.
Are Ballythefirepair two sides of the same now wobbling copper coin, the two of 'em sat by Ballythefireside having a chat; just imagine the conversation. Or the pair of 'em lending each other a hand to lift Ballythefireplace? Some pair alright, partners in crime.
Of course the ultimate difference between these two strains of the same gene is that the metal thieves (i.e. the bronze ones) only tried to destroy the memory of the past whereas Ballythefirepair tried to ruin those currently engaged in literary endeavour, an attack on the person. Of course it all Ballythebackfired , and hit Ballythefirepair where it hurts most, right in the pocket, although if we didn't have such a good shot there is also an adjacent point where it would have also been effective. Maybe we'll get another chance; you bet. There might be just one un-decommissioned revolver in our midst.
Thieves who had a burning desire for Ballythefireplace got burnt.
Was it how Robert thought Ballythefireside was The Ring of Fire and that Johnny Cash left all his money there? Robert himself didn't even get a chance to burn it, the €2.5m that is!
What should we get Ballythefirepair for xMas? A metal detective. not a defective detective, they already have one of those, are one of those
If man wants to protect his good name he should have thought of that before he destroyed it
Is paralegal the white-collar equivalent of paramilitary? It makes sense given that the Law Society is an elitist entity within and without mainstream society
For the man with the big boots the going is always heavy and he often gets bogged down, even sucked into the ground, into a bottomless pit; making his own bed in life if you like. And the more muck there is, the more muck there is to throw at him.
Poor anger management is but a symptom of weak emotion; don’t get mad, get even
Evil thrives when those who know better turn a blind eye
The black box reveals what happened and the dirty black door conceals what is happening, so do we need to plant a black box behind the dirty black door?
If our poem Taken after the gatherer was about Ballythefirepair, it would be called, Taking from the gatherer, or is Will Power more their story? Ah no, The Northern Bank Robbers of the 6 counties, the Munster 6 counties that is, Ulster has 9.
Fact is stranger than fiction, well it was until this exception; this fact is in fact funnier than fiction. Where would you get it?
The overwhelming excludes those that are under whelmed with what is going on
Sometimes old scores are settled by starting a whole new game entirely; The New Line tells a bit of a story in this respect
Mediocrity knows but the lower parameter and so thinks better of thou self
All political careers end in failure because they were failures to start with, and probably why they entered politics; all the others in the family went on to better things while the local jack the lad was parachuted into the custodial seat!
If failure be rewarded in the land of no consequences then it will never be in short supply, and don’t we just know it
If the arrangement requires a contract then you are tied up like an ass, by an ass, the law
When dispute comes to the front door the solicitor emerges from the undergrowth where he was waiting, hoping and praying
The word of an honest man hath no place in law for he does not communicate on Heehaw wavelength; he is but the dark horse and not be the smart ass
The think skin keeps more out than in; well there may not be a lot to keep in anyway
Cream always comes to the top and the thicker the faster, whereas real vocational talent mingles happily with democracy
The key threat to the free market economy is not communism, but white collar vested interests who strangle it
There is nothing more dishonourable that to rob the robber – Credit Martin ‘The General’ Cahill. Is it that the government is now robbing robbers? Well Enda did promise he would be tough on crime. Not all criminals wear balaclavas and the worst wear suits, white collars and robes; the robed robbers, some now derobed and more in the holding pen awaiting a skinning with the pen.
The only thing reliable about all solicitors is that they will always take you down
Loop holes are for screwing the system but who holds the strings when you are in one? Is this what keeps the Golden Brown envelope circle together?
Changes made across the board for everyone do not apply under the table
Solicitors always give as good as they get but never give more than they get.
Property disputes are more about where you are from as opposed to who owns what; in other words, who belongs to where as opposed to what belongs to whom.
There are lots of ways around a Kerryman and one of them is not straight through him; scientists will point to the risk of reaction with The Kerry Ingredient. And look what happened when one Kerryman tried to drive his carriage and four through Ballythefireside? Those in the carriage now have their trademark burns to show. The urban fox is no match for his country counterpart; and for the avoidance of doubt, not his country cousin. You can fool some of the people some of the time……
Luck is only infinite for those who do not take top many chances; otherwise it runs out
If the law is an ass then those who practice it best must be Smart Asses
The difference between a solicitor and a traitor is that they are spelt differently
The world is now Godless and lawless to the extent that people seriously question if either ever existed
Was Ireland’s Punt on the €uro a good bet?
What happens when the silver bullet hits the pot of Gold?
The only ones worse that the insiders are the middle-men; and there is someone between everyone
We went from Black and White to Colour but the glitz blinded us so we are now back where we started, but nothing will ever be Black and White again
The Gombeen stole our bread, what was arán a bhi
Opinion is kicked about when football is in the air
Something had to give and it wasn't the solicitor
The brown envelope is part and parcel of how things are done
Claws of laws are like the fisherman’s knot; they tighten at every move
The Golden Brown Circle thought money was made round to go ‘round while the Jews believe it is made flat to stack it; the politicians thought it was made of paper to burn while the high roller developers were rolling in it; they are now gone from being rolled in gold to rolling around in something brown and The Rolls is driven away; Wheel of Fortune or what?
Trappings personify the caged, the cagey set traps
The professional poet offers a square deal while Ballythefireside is free range. This point put a bit is finer in our poem entitled Poethics
If the nearest to the altar be the furthest from God then never were so many people closer. Babies aren't the only ones who cry in Church; the collection will be noisy henceforth!
The Golden rule of respect is that parties act to the letter of the law; that's why Ireland is paying people we don't owe anything to with money we haven't got; is the letter of the law in a Golden Brown envelope?
Queen Elizabeth suggested that the Irish should think less about history and the English should think more about it; so we should forget the pain and the old enemy should now scratch their scraws and think about all the trouble they caused?
Kids aren’t the only ones spoilt by having more than their parents
Which has the greater grip, claws or sweet soft lips?
It is a fine line between contact and connection; it is not unknown for a footballer to think he was a boxer, or a solicitor to have his hand in your pocket, everyone's pocket
If people are the greatest asset then where is the service and repair manual?
Facing up to the deluge of change is not wise
The fools who never speculated in property were cute hoors
Thankfully the Gombeen culture of no consequences only applies outside the sports field gate
A little bit of information about a racehorse is almost as dangerous as knowing all about them
Friendships are relationships going through a purple patch
The global McSh*t phenomenon makes it easier to walk over people than around them, making sh*t out of them in the process. In modern retailing this is known as the footfall factor.
Who won the local boom-town rat race?
Sweetness and wholesomeness are opposites
Home-grown talent succeeds on the world stage where it is very handsomely rewarded; Gombeenism succeeds in the backstreets and on the door-steps of our very own communities where it is also very handsomely rewarded; is that why some of our greatest emigrate and others don't?
Some writers use ballpoint pens to put a fine point on a story, others write history by scoring fine points with balls
A successful operation by lawyers is when the patient dies; then the assets are distributed at their will
Always check that the cage is not fragile before rattling it
Law is all about inflated bills being kicked around by worthless balls
Business friends are best friends until reality strikes
Great people rise to challenge, the greatest overcome simplicity
The biggest public enemy is always the political party that most people voted for
Truth is the first casualty in a dispute
A strong man laughs at himself; his strength can also apply to anyone who laugh at him
It only takes one brand to destroy another
You can't teach an old dog new tricks because you can't improve on what works perfectly; what did we hear you say about exceptions?
A culture of no consequences for the baddies is also a culture of no reward for the goodies; this blunts any competitive edge we may have in saving our small open economy from brunt and brutal economic forces of globalisation.
The seed of change does not grown within the gene pool; is it an ill wind? Who sows the seeds of self-destruction though?
He who cannot walk the streets hath no understanding of the law of the street
The unfit team will not win; the unfit solicitor wins when the system is not fit for purpose, when the referee and scorekeeper are cronies and they have territorial advantage; Ballythefirecert, Ballythefireplace, Ballythefireguard and Ballythefireside are proof
The eternal reward for some who took the moral high ground will be a big climb down
The gravest of grave robbers steal from pockets but they do not work in the graveyard
Natural talent suffocates where cronyism has a stranglehold
Change generally falls at the first hurdle of failing to cut loose from the shackles of the past
He who is paid by the clock gives, freely, all of his time, but not for free. As it happens Clock to the Dock is a Ballythefireside work in progress
What kind of following do spiritless leaders inspire?
Critical mass only matters to the spiritless who seek safety in numbers
Due diligence is long over due, and lost most on those paid handsomely to profess it
The cocoon didn't have a port hole the last time you looked in, or were you looking out?
Ireland is now at death’s door, so do we seek transfusion from global riches or do we allow our Gombeen insiders to haemorrhage that last drop of blood and send us off into the sunset of eternal economic oblivion that is debt default?
Good tradesmen and professionals come and go with tail-light guarantees
Youth are revolutionary whereas auld lads go around in circles.
Those with a vocation for success take the bit between the teeth; the Gombeens chew at it.
If economics determines everything then are economic forces more powerful than the military? Without it they certainly wouldn't exist; it is rather interesting how one drives the other.
Regulation creates double standards, for those who can swim in between them and those who can’t; the former sell the latter tickets for the lead life jacket.
The rub of Irish luck is a true toned as a man's own patriotic colours; are the Gombeen’s of envy green and fool’s gold?
Ireland is a paradise where 'the salt of the earth' are led by 'the too sweet to be wholesome’ brigade.
Dark suited skiving Gombeens of the black economy, black cloaked lawyers of dark arts, white collar child abusers and criminals; now who said you can't judge a book by the cover?
The old school boy Gombeen network was wireless long before the computer was even a figment of the imagination; and the reality of this culture is that we are now all now virtually broke.
The rainmaker lawyer starts fires that society quenches by throwing money at. The cupboard might be bare but we will always have money to burn in aid of worthy causes.
Most developed countries have a different way of working; Ireland has a different way of not working
Those who take ownership of a problem have a vested interest in making it as difficult and drawn out as possible
Blunt meeting brunt is bloody brutal.
The Irish emigrant built the world and the patriotic had to blow it up; the Gombeens then turned Ireland into a concrete jungle of toxic dust that blew away a generation, and the rest.
If you want change that is compatible with current practices then you don’t have to do anything, you already have it.
If the Golden Retriever raises concern then ill intent is about; ours scents solicitors miles away
Modesty is something that doesn’t become someone when absence of talent gets in the way
Fact is stranger than fiction because facts are unknown, Covered
Some successful people never look back; they forget where they came from and the friends who helped them along the way; and then they have to go back home and make up with everybody.
He who experiments with magnetic fields often falls in for the greatest land of his life.
There is no money in poetry and no poetry in money; although there is great crack in mixing the two together as we now find
The double dealer does not deal with your likes, he deals in your likes; what he does for you today he does on the double for your enemy tomorrow, with you.
Market Street gets its name from a solicitor who buys and sells people, and nothing to do with a fair day, nothing fair about it at all. Terrorists in the Third World engage in Wildlife Trading and the very worst of them deal in human organs. Where is it safer to live?
The blow-hole is the Gombeen that put wind to the sail of the emigrant.
Does a man with a double life live longer, or shorter?
Fear does not diminish the issue so there is no point, although money is always a worry
People making change for better have to face up to everyone while those who continue to do wrong have nobody against them, and very often everyone behind them
Writing is the art of nesting the quill as it rummages through spilt ink
Solicitors are noted for imposing your Will on themselves and you can’t say a single word about it
If the best things in life are free, then money is the greatest toxin ever known to mankind because it can only buy you the worst
People get stressed when they apply pressure to the wrong point
Can you tell the mob from the democratic majority?
When old friends fall out they become old enemies; and if old friends are best then old enemies are worst
Change for the better must not provide safe harbour for the worst of the past
Defense lawyers build a wall for the prosecutors to knock; space invaders or what?
Wealthy families have more to do in adjusting their children to reality; every cloud has ....
The silent are not the voiceless
Do SOBs ever cry?
The GAA player gives his everything from head to toe, to entertain everybody by playing toe to hand, while living hand to mouth
The safety net is there to protect the little guy but it is only he who filters through it
Many’s the man who delivered the fatal blow, by turning his back to get the aggressor off-guard; we heard of a case where it took all of 20 years
The problem with Gombeen laws and orders is that every unsavoury member of the public gravitates to his level; of the implications ignorance is no excuse
Solicitors are noted for imposing your Will on themselves
The downhill camber with the wind to the back is a perilous treck
Only tried and tested methods bring about change, old ways
The man with a short fuse is seldom lazy
Lawyers point the loaded question at the innocent and subversives point the loaded gun at the enemy; if the pen be mightier than the sword then lawyers should also be made to decommission
Subversives stood accused of offering Hobson’s choice of ‘the gun or the ballot box’; solicitors point the loaded question at the accused stood in the witness box and he has no choice, it doesn’t matter what he says because the solicitor take all no matter how things materialise
Some people are part of the problem while others are part of the solution; the cause of the problem often prevents a solution though and is therefore an essential part of both
A telling moment is often characterised by nobody saying anything
A revealing moment is often characterised by nobody seeing anything
The scruffy boy at the back of the class does the right thing, while the straight creased in the front seat does things perfectly right, and so ends up looking after the minor day to day admin affairs for the former. Of course there is the odd exception when the straight creased was not the brightest and was probably the dirtiest under the scraw.
Some people are lucky they aren’t too brainy while others are unlucky they have too many brains.
A deafening moment is often characterised by silence
There are two thieves who have their hands in all our pockets -Credit my late father Jackie Hegarty, businessman and farmer, Lisselton. He was referring to a local North Kerry solicitor and a politician; did even he realise how right he would actually be proven?
The cliff edge is honey lined of pride and coated in arrogance.
I don't get ulcers, I give them - 'Credit' the late Ben Dunne Senior, although he never gave credit, in any sense of the word, but he sure as hell took a lot of it, obviously; but did he end up with any? They say he left it all behind.
Closure in law is neither retribution nor revenge for the victim
Too much of a good thing is also bad; so alcohol is bad no matter how you take it
The boss who ignores the basics rules a castle of sandy foundation
If you keep doing the wrong thing you fail, which is why all political careers end in failure?
Winning battles does not win the war, avoiding them might; it is all about timing
Only fear itself
The spring clean must be done top-down
The bent and crooked don’t slot
As long as there is a jungle the law of the jungle rules
Change strings some people along with it, others get their heads pulled off; then the chain to the ball that is the Gombeen culture holds us all back?
Of affairs, those closest know either absolutely everything or absolutely nothing
The deeper the greed the more surprising the prize
After the summit is all downhill
The home straight is lined of loud noisers and brown nosers; fair-weather friends
FF is now telling the truth when it claims to represent the less well off; it created them after all
The gun loaded of alcohol is often fitted with a faulty timer
The unhappy whistler is guilty
Those who suffer Catholic guilt are not as bad as they think
Those at the top lead from the front while those at the bottom wait for the crumbs to be passed back
If drink brings out the truth in people do pioneers live a lie?
What is the difference between thick skin and a well insulated scull?
When it is a question of ethics the answer is unethical
It is the light seed that blows-in.
Never hit a man with advice when he is down; and so when in trouble the last man you go to is an advisor
People that others look up to never look down on anyone.
People reach different heights in life and then we are all lowered down to the same level.
Media people are trained in how to communicate, not in what they communicate; having more confidence than capability is not part of The Kerry Ingredient, not at all
Do those who shoot from the hip always shoot themselves in the foot?
Darkness is the natural habitat of the visionary, his Kingdom; outside of it is he lost?
Fitting and filling the shoes are not the same as following the footsteps
How is it that the world’s oldest profession is illegal while all of the others that are there to protect their members are coveted?; what does it say of society?
Some save for a rainy day while others put a bit aside for a Sun holiday
He who doesn’t roll with the punches often gets rolled by them and seldom regains his composure
P.S. 1 What we would all love to know is did the intending American tourist get his voice back, and were his medical expenses reimbursed by the solicitor? The poor lad, we hope he had more luck with his claim than others had down the years, ourselves included.
P.S. 2 There are reports on local flooding in the Listowel basin along the N69. Gardai have appealed to the Robert Pierse to stop crying.
P.S. 3 Hitler O'Neill need have no worries; just as all Gombeens have a place in the fire, we will not leave you out in the cold. As we said, the knife is on the stones, and the stones are heating up. Almighty God but the flames in The Park are hot Jim. BTW how's business? Did you sell the fireplace yet? The moral of the story is that it is only natives who can hold The Ballytheanything and that is why your fingers got burnt. Never touch what is hot, hot property, a Jazus more puns. The pen of Ballythefireside is quare n' hot though Jim, The pen be hotter than the paw of the bad law man, burns the paw of bad law. Now where is Ballythefiregarda.... ah we're away again; did you ever hear of a fireguard stealing the fireplace; and what's more he brought it back again. Next they'll tell us Ballythefireplace has legs, wings, wheels, a jet engine or is it a halogen balloon?
P.S. 4 What did Ballythefireplace say to Bertie?
P.S. I don't love you.
P.S. 5 Given the hard times that are in it Ballythefireside has identified two new product opportunities, Anti-Laughing and Anti-Crying pills; and demand in North Kerry alone will make it all viable. Now all we need is a bit of genetic research to eradicate the Gombeen gene, the Gombgene as it is called. You see you have to be Born a Gombeen to sit on Bord Na Gombeen; hard to beat breeding. Maybe we could team up with that daughter of Chairman Hill’s who is doing all that genetic research with horses in UCD and, and yeah; ah you’re quick, our own pair of blue boyos, Gerry and Nacie in their own Jennetic research. Their findings have been remarkable although they fell down in the interpretation. They got the rest right but drew the wrong conclusions; Ballythefireside would challenge their hypothesis on two counts. 1. That man can be born in two places, that is the same man. 2. That twins can be conceived of by different fathers. But here is what we all missed; if man can be born in two places and he, or is it they?, never left the house/es then he/they would be as good two men and so could prove their Jennetic theory conclusive. And of course we now know 'the man as good as two men' could only have been one Nacie as he is the only man known to be, well born in two places. i.e. The only man who proved he could be in two places at the same time. We'll keep that Dawkins fella fairly busy from now on and he won't have half so much auld chatter out of him. Reopen The Kerry Bobbies Case my lord! ET come home, all is forgiven.
P.S. 6 Jim and his Clueless Klux Clan should drop the vigilantism and leave law enforcement to the good office of An Garda Síochána; that's what they are there for and paid for!
P.S. 7 What song would Ballythefireside serenade Ballythefirepair with?
Bring back my Ballythefireplace to me
P.S. 8 If you are interested in knowing more about Gombeens please log onto their website www.Conology.Con The format of individual member email addresses is their name with lots of space of course, @Gombeen.Con
P.S. 9 We have been inundated with sales enquiries about the Bill Clinton statue and no, it is not for sale if only because it is used for demonstration purposes. I mean what retailer in the whole world has an ex US President advertising their wares in person right outside the premises on the street. Then again for the right offer a Ballythefiresale would no doubt get due consideration.
P.S. 10 What is another term for a stretch?
In the nick of time.
P.S. 11 And then some bright spark from Castlebar of all places claims that the pair that is Pierse and Rice are known locally as Pricey, or is it Priceless, or maybe Nicey Pricey? Ah never Dicey Pricey? Well costly anyway as we found, very. After Ballythefirecert will we now have Ballythebirthcert?
P.S. 12 Ballythefireside has received a tip off about the book of the year in the making. It is a book on Quantum, which to you and me is how much you can claim on insurance, the quantity as it were. Published by Butterworths the 2012 edition is written as usual by Robert and edited by one Enda Kenny. The final chapter shows how to get 150% discount and as we all know our Enda used the formula to great effect himself. So now the next time you sit on the electric chair and the landlord starts charging rent you know what to do.
And you’d have to wonder where this name Butterworth came from, butter and butter on it of course but now all the butter is gone, the proverbial hit the fan didn’t it, Butterworthless. So now Pricey is, are, well Priceless, and isn't it, they, just!
There is also a reference in Butterworthless to the DNA of The Gombeens who try to raid the public purse and, wait for it, they have made a discovery about a discovery, they have defined that DNA is the abbreviation for Dicey Nicey Associates; you know, the type who are all goodie two shoes and then they hang at the first opportunity. You’d have to wonder where the name came from and one wonders if it anything to do with the school of Jennetics? You know, the one where big, bouncy, bobbies can be born in two different places, hopefully not at the same time and we are assuming not to two different mothers. In some cases they can even be put in by two different daddies and which hopefully was, or is it were, also at different times and places. We're now even testing grammar.
So there are two conceptions and two deliveries and we end up with one and only the one bobby. Well that is based on what little evidence we have anyway, we only have their word and which counts for very little as it happens. Gosh but he must be some specimen, a rare breed, the rarest of rare breeds.
Lord jazus what are they at? Ah no, don’t shoot the messenger, we are only conveying what they said, good honest reporting of the facts. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help us God.
You see the Ballythebirthcert records are there to prove it, just check Stella Maris Nursing Home in Athlone and Castlebar General. Well that was the ‘goods out’ anyway. As for the ‘goods in’ well let’s say it was all down to good Supply Chain Management, Family Planning by the DNA species, Human Resource Scheduling, Load Management, Logistics, Stock Control.
You know but it reminds of that subplot in John B's great book The Contractors when Dan Murray regaled to his English bedfellow of the noises the Lowsters he would hear of the Hillsters of a night. So and so’s third this week and be jazus but didn’t it get right confusing when they all roared together. Now don’t say it but surely Nacie isn’t one of our own, maybe a bit of one of our own? That Gombeen DNA sequence code took some brains to crack alright and you can have it on good account that there isn’t a fibre of The Kerry Ingredient in this species, not even a distant cousin, not even a connection. A different species and thank God for that. As they say things might be bad but thankfully not that bad.
P.S. 13 Ballythefireside also received information that Ballythefirepair would be known in his townland as
RoboCop, and that their courier division has been re-branded as Robo-direct. Jazus are they now moving into robbing banks or what? Sure ‘twould be a change, an inside job, one of our own, although that wouldn’t be much of a change.
P.S. 14 And just when we thought we had heard it all, again, what happens? Deenihan puts his foot in it, again. And what is worse we all knew about it, again. A Listowel observer insists that we are merely scratching the surface here and that there is a major conspiracy about to unfold. Her theory is that Ballythefireplace and Ballythefirecert were only precursors to, well her theory is that stealing a fireplace and then trying to deprive people of turf could only be connected, and how could anyone disagree? So now we have Ballytheturfgate. Where will it all end? Will it ever end? Would you want it to end?
P.S. 15 Another wee ode to our pair of heros.
Point of No Return
Ballythefireside bends and burns the ear
but Robocop it only their finger tips burned
For this Ballythefiresidepair already be bent
dimwits now past the point of no return
When targeting loot in future
they might be somewhat discerning
Meanwhile of thief the people must live in fear
it’s cops and robbers that be of most grave concern
Thieves to the crime scene repair
but this pair haven already been, return
Report crime to the cops and looks who turns up
the mind boggles, or does it?, the stomach churns
If this Ballythefiresidepair Robocop pair
be past the point of no return
Does it mean they be unrelenting in their path of destruction
or that they will not to Ballythefireside, again, return?
Maybe that they are now known to offend, re-offend
they will to the authorities adjourn
Isn’t that what thieves should do when caught, over to you pair
your time has come, do as you say, now your turn
P.S. 15 It has now also been confirmed that the subsequent meeting of The Golden Brown Circle was opened with The Johnny Cash number 'Ring of Fire'.
P.S. 16 Good Innings
Some don the jersey
when there’s work to be done
Others take off the shirt
to take the heavy load
Then there be the Gombeen traitor
who burnt the jersey at the post
Or the insider who wears green on stage
working under cover to camouflage ill intent
P.S. 17 If Ballythefireside ever suggested that the town of Listowel was going through a barren period as regards literary talent then that isn't entirely true. An Anthony man tells us that the difference between Robert and another Legal Eagle, well, ex Legal Eagle, is that Robert lost his shirt whereas his counterpart lost his frock. Now which is worse with the tide out?
Anthony who we suspect might once have been an officer of the law, also volunteered a bit of inside info. He tells of a local laddo who is penning a kind of a ghost take of Mícheál O Muircheartaigh’s great book From Dun Sion to Croke Park. This one is entitled From Listowel to Blackhall Place, and Back. While Anthony wouldn’t reveal the ghost author he did hint that he might have had a street in the town named after him.
Now wouldn’t it be a great idea to have two parts to this no doubt great book in the making. The first could be say Upper William Street and that would detail the journey to Blackhall Place and the high life that it was. And, ah yeah, you got it, Lower William Street could then tell all about life thereafter, the and Back part. Sure that Muircheartaigh lad with all his auld chat is only half the man our local scribe in the making is, and sure Listowel made and shaped many a man.
Better still it could be trilogy, with the middle bit telling us all about the turning, you know, why he came back to us. What he did, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Now that would be a change, a turning in itself, another turning. Anthony himself suggested this part could also be sub-titled From Church Street to William Street and here are we wondering would it be around the one-way or did he shortcut the backway, and get caught?
And then they could top it all out with Ballythefirecert, just to complete the tale of woes. Move over John Grisham, sure Kingdom County wipes the floor with your Ford County. The Kerrywayward difference, The Gangway, The Gombeen Gangway, The Backway, Swayed, The Takeaway, The Highway, The Getaway, The Runaways who didn't get away, well they didn't get their own way anyway although they were heard singing I did it My Way.
P.S. 18 And hey presto, we have a contribution from Dublin 7 would you believe, the square mile of the Golden Circle for those of you who didn’t know. We are talking Four Goldmines territory here, the seat of the spiritual leadership. HQ, where we get hung, drawn and quartered by those at the head, headcases!
Anyway our learned friend tells us that Robert was quoted lately as saying that he never saw a man to be bettered by doing a stretch inside. Now could he be getting cold feet or what?
And sure isn’t bad circulation the cause of that ailment so we should now all be ashamed of ourselves because he really did need Ballythefireside although someone should have told him that it would be of no use without Ballythefireplace. Sorry Robert, so so sorry, although we did burn you, even if it was the fingers and not the toes!
This D7 character also confirms that our Robert, you know, one of our own, is now not wanted up above either. As the man says an upstairs and a downstairs, but no stairs! And just to think that he had to return the keys of all those 125 houses, and each one had a stairs you bet.
Remember it was bad circulation that caused the problem so is it that he was outed from The Golden Circle? Everything would suggest that such be the case!
P.S. 19 Cast Iron Cases
Our Ballythefirepair of RoboCop
be into cast iron cases
But the light fingers got burnt
lifting cast iron Ballythefireplace
Cast iron be heat resistant
but temptation resistant to hot cash they be not
The long arm of the law stretched too far
at Lisselton Cross they failed to stop
The cargo be too heavy for Ballythefirepair
they should have been in their cot
Auld men past their bedtime
it all got too hot and heavy for RoboCop
P.S. 20 As a Golden Rule
If man be worried of his good name
he himself should have thought of that first
Libel law be of what said
that be true or false
If it all be true
then nothing wrong
If it be false then to another poor soul
the slander can only belong
So it not matter what be right
and what be wrong
But maybe who be right
and who be wrong?
It takes influence in law
to tip a case
And there be but one species on the inside track
in such mumbo jumbo, big word rat race
Those who lead us
into that ring, their ring
And us who get sent down
at their whim
Then there be tribunals
exempt from jail, only condemn
Milking the system and charging us for it
ingredients for financial mayhem
The Golden Rule be
it is one law for us and one for them
Law be a game of double standards
around which the Golden Brown Circle spins
Doesn't matter who be saint
or serial sinner
Heads you lose
tails they win
Sing it or poet it
drumbeat or violin
That's how ‘twas before
and that's how 'twill end
P.S. 21 The Cuckoo Blues 'n' Twos
One of our own, another literary commentator, has told of an rare and emerging breed within the Gombeen family. They be known as The Cuckoo Blues 'n' Twos and they be of the G Force who discovered too late in life that their calling was not for Templemore.
In Listowel we have The Cuckoo Blue Two who believe they are of literary gift although we would say this in this case the second calling might have been a biteen early.
Of course the dilemma is that although fine big men, they not be equal to the task of toning down their material, for fact be stranger than fiction. Anyway sure the brand is good and in Listowel we be known to wrap a goat in the local literary jersey and call him a writer and nobody was the wiser, nobody or no goat.
After handing in their cards, in cases having to do so, these returned, war torn heroes have one defining feature. They believe in their own greatness, and over and above the rest of us. Sure such blockbuster stuff has queues longer than you’d see outside a solicitor’s office for personal injury claims and that’s speaks volumes.
The heads on them alone and then the lingo would testify as to what to expect. A politician who once told the truth said of them ‘if it quacks ’tis a duck.’
As the man says the Assets and Liabilities are equal on The Balance Sheet of The Literary Capital. Is it how Liability is the ability of Bill to tell porkies or what?
P.S. 22 There's always One, Wan!
A Mícheál Ó'Muircheartaigh wannabe regales of them getting the warmest of receptions and that Ballythefireplace has become the standard bearer. He reckons that it was only a practice run, a Ballythefiredrill, and while they ran alright, they hardly escaped. No, there was no Ballythefireescape, no Ballythefireescaping, no getting away from it. What was really shocking though was the first degree burns they got on their Ballythefirearms. Now that is what we call an education, first class honours degree to boot, caught in possession of Ballythefireball, or was it is receipt of stolen property, hot property? The problem is that the education was wasted because they re-offend. Just like cleaning out the cows, you can depend on them to do the dirt again, and that is not comparing faithful Daisy The Kerry Cow to these gangsters. Sure they milk her dry too!
P.S. 23 Viral Zone, CAO and All Bar Wan
We are now surely in viral zone, a Gombeen Free Zone of course. We only print a small sample of the feedback but we keep them all and you’d never know when they’d come in handy.
The latest revelation is that we now have a grass, one of the insiders has come out. But unusually it is with a question as opposed to an answer. The grass wants to know who issued The Compulsory Acquisition Order for Ballythefireplace? Hmmmm.... Interesting. Now could it have been Dicey Ricey himself, maybe Ballythefirefoxnews, herself …. the list of suspects is long and Paddy Power are giving 1,000-1, Bar One, Bar Wan. That Ó'Muircheartaigh lad was spot on again telling us that there's always wan! Now who could wan be? Who has the track record in this field? We will have to ask the Gardai, or maybe The Watch Man. Was it the same wan that issued the CAO for Ballythefireside one wonders?
P.S. 24 The Quiet Man
We have also had a tip off that Ballythefireplace was possibly only part of the Tour De G Force on The New Line on that fateful night, but they had difficulty with stealing another one locally, because it was an open fireplace, Paddy 'Bawn' Enright's fireplace! Metal thieves with no metal in every sense of the word, and with no sense, Cast Iron cases getting caught in Ballythelineoffire, Ballyrthefireline, Ballythefiringline! RoboCop Ballythefirepair, both from either End On The New Line getting Clotheslined as The centrifugal Lartigue turntable winched them in. Now strangled be The Golden Brown Circle. There are a lot of Very Quiet Men around these days and someone tells us that some voices are even barred. Is it a case of the naked man cannot talk, although we still can't shut him up.
P.S. 25 Famous People
Ballythefireside has also been reminded that not alone is Billy The Kid a local but that Robert James, father of American outlaw Jessie James was born in nearby Asdee.
P.S. 26 The Unholy Trinity
Some say the devil is dead
and buried in Killarney
More say he rose again
more say he rose again
And joined the Listowel branch
of The Irish Law Society
Then there are those
who claim it is an unholy trinity
Of the father, the son
and the unholy ghost
The Lartigue turntable swung
and derail did the ghost gravy train
Now the country be broke
and the Feale valley roasted
P.S. 27 A local FF laddo tells us that where Operation Ballythefireplace fell apart was that Ballythefirepair were acting on inside information that turned out to be hot, well obviously. Apparently they didn't realise the home fires were burning. There be no smoke without fire says the FF latchico and boy but aren’t times a changing. Imagine that, a FF geezer talking fact, only to be proven right.
P.S. 28 A reformed shoplifter tells us that we have upset them. Having being diagnosed as Kleptomaniacs they now feel that they will be branded as being part of the Kleptocracy that is the self-regulation of solicitors and Gardai. The reformed individual in question is worried they could be classed the same as RoboCop. On a lighter note they suggest that a solicitor who knowingly corrupts title deeds of a family home should be called a Housekeeper. What about a Houselifter, or a Fireplacelifter?
P.S. 29 And now we be told that stealing a house is like copying a class act. Are they referring to stealing the plot or what? Losing the plot? Sure you can't have a house without a plot, no more than you can have a fireplace without a house. And with out all these you can't have a fireside. And now we can't not have a Ballythefireside. And a word of warning - Ballythefireside like Ballythefreplace is here to stay and anyone with other ideas should study history.
P.S. 30 A man of the cloth now tells us that RoboCop broke at least two commandments; Thou shalt not steal and Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house. If the hit took place on a Sunday then they didn't keep the Sabbath free. And if they adore false gods then their final tally is four.
P.S. 31 An email came in from Sean, an emigrant, to the effect that the Golden Circle were to be commended as local literary life will now be rejuvenated with the reservoir of local material they uncapped.
Well said so credit where it is due but don't get carried away Sean, pun not intended. You see it isn't that there aren't matching debits there Sean, and like Germoney, we won’t be writing it off. Na, no debt forgiveness for the unrepentant.
P.S. 32 No stopping now, "There's a hole in Robert's bucket', Dear Liza". Very dear Liza, €2.5m down the drain! Now who didn't replace that manhole cover? Sure the system needs priming, a slush fund, Standard and Poor, or is it Moodys?
P.S. 33 The Watchman let it slip that he received sound information from a regular and reliable source that O’Neill was first on the scene on that fateful night, and which he duly Walkie-talkied on to Clue Bay
P.S. 34 Seán in New York reports that RoboCop and Ballythefirepair are better known as The Ranboys and boy will we get some tune out of the fiddle! He also tells us that it was a skirmish they started that resulted in St Stephen's Day being renamed Boxing Day.
P.S. 35 And Páidí also had a good one about the boyos in blue, and even when he was wan of them himself, although he had one failing in their eyes, he was unable to write a summons! Anyway the story goes that he was sent to raid a pub one night and subsequently returned with a still clean summons book. His alibi was that there was no money changing hands so he assumed all those ‘found on’ were, well, the force, out in force. Now there's living proof that fact be stranger than fiction, although you'd have to say that this is all very much at the lower level in the wider scheme of things.
This also reminds of another somewhat similar event when a lenient officer had but one summons to his name; he did a German tourist for not having a dog license. And we wont go into what the judge thought off all this, suffice as to say that when asked to comment on the charge that his dog was ‘wandering’ he replied that he was ‘wondering’ how this man became a policeman.
P.S. 36 Then there was the telegram complimenting Ballythefireside on the warmest of welcome that was extended to RoboCop. Let The Gathering take note, although we would be more interested in The Scattering as there are some we could do without.
Yeah, we haven’t stopped laughing either and no, we are not following the footsteps of John B with his 'Letters of a TD, Matchmaker', etc, not that it would be such a bad thing anyway.
We have now laughed so much and for so long that we missed the deadline for the 2012 Writers Week Pierse & Fitzgibbon Solicitors Non-fiction Poetry Competition. By kind permission, or is it commission, or omission, of the sponsors, we have published our entry here, and it’s probably just as well because we were happy we got our house and our fireplace back, Ballythefireside and Ballythefireplace respectively that is, and we just couldn’t take the prize. No, unlike others, we wouldn’t stoop that low!
You all know that Ballythefireside would never laugh at another’s misfortune; na, we wouldn't even hit a man with advice if he was down, or even in this case when he was upstanding and walking all over the rest of us. However it takes an exception to prove the rule and no finer an exception could you find than someone stooping so low as to try to lift Ballythefireplace. Twenty years was a long wait and hopefully it is only the first of many a happy occasion in these terrible times; best served as a cold dish, slow burner, etc come to mind.
But this is only a quick stab, pun intended, and the knives are on the stone so it is only sharper they will be getting. Plenty of meat on the bone and we might yet get our day in court as all else has failed. Where there is a will there is a way although the solicitor says that where there is a will there is always a relative in the way, of trousering the proceeds that is.
In defense of our Robert who is of course one of our own, well wan of their own actually, we must admit we got it so badly wrong, we accused him in the wrong; we just didn't believe he had such a sense of humour, well we didn’t think he was as funny as we now know to be the case anyway. They better hide him while Fossets are in town or he'll be abducted. And now there's a novel idea for Writers Week for a new arty competition, The Clown of The Town. To Fossets we say you are welcome to him and 'twould be no crime; the search party will be small, a candlelight vigil is doubtful and sure in these circles it wouldn't be unknown for a few bob to throw the posse off the scent. Waterville has been knocked off it's perch with that Charlie Chaplin lad and sure he was only on the fictional screen. Our Robert pioneered reality TV before Louis Walsh was even born and if some of his cod acting in court was In Camera then Listowel would even relegate Hollywood. We'd then have Ballythefirewood!
Minister Gembo reckons that our Robert is even brighter than himself, that is in addition to being funny and of course Gembo is funny too, although we don’t share his sense of humour when it comes to peddling forged and fraudulent planning applications. We certainly wouldn't argue on the IQ although there wouldn't be a lot in it, pun intended; takes one to know one, one brain cell that is and of course two is company, not necessarily good company though. Given that we have a local minister, yes, for Culture and Arts, we decided to deliver the goods he promised at the Farmleigh shingding, that Arts and Culture would save the nation; what a partnership with the three of us collaborating, scheming, partners in crime; call it what you will. So we now have Robert and Gembo and K Man producing a poem on Culture and Arts, i.e. The Culture of trying to take away a house and a fireplace and the Art of catching them. Robert and Gembo of the Culture and K Man has the Art of course. That’s Enda and his Joined up thinking election promise delivered, by Ballythefireside. Now who said Enda and Ballythefireside wouldn’t get it together; well we did and didn’t we sandwich The Clown of The Town on our first outing. Enda the Lion it is and The New Line, or is it Endatheline and The New Lion?
Now stop Garda, don’t shoot the messenger. John B said that part of the reason we are such good writers at Ballythefireside is that we have plenty of local material. Jazus but John B was some visionary although something tells us that even he never imagined he could be so right. In his modesty he underestimated the mule element, that is in contrast to the Jennetic Theory of other members of the illiterary brigade, the very ill illiterary brigade as it happens, the Illigenetic posse of dual place of origin. For the rest of us that means those who believe they, and others, were born in two places. An identity crisis or what? If they are to be believed then you are who you are is no more. We are now all free of debt as we are no longer who we were and we have the law behind us on it; in fact the law pioneered it. We are all now of two fixed abodes, well two for now although with the Higgs boson development it is only a matter of time before we all have multiple origins.
It is so sad that John B in his formative years was tormented by a shower of dimwits, those absent of any artistic talent who feared him. And now look who is at it. No, we are not claiming greatness ourselves, but we do resent officialdom obstructing voluntary effort, moreover in the current climate and they paid with our money that we haven't got to promote it. In any event they are trying to stop the tide, and drowned they will be, in their own Feale Valley of Tears; sad as it sounds but choking in their own sick.
But you see it wasn't an ordinary house they tried to lift though, nor was it an ordinary fireplace. And if that wasn't enough Mr Enright up Church Street got jealous of what we will call Ballythefirepair and he tried to best them, and his best was, well Ballythefirecert.
And what have they all in common? Well, well, well, they all got caught, burnt. And so now we will all forever be carrying out sentences; ah no, you see there are sentences and sentences. Ballythefireside will be eternally penning sentences; our partners in crime shall, well be serving them, trying to complete them, escaping but never getting away. And here was youse all thinking the war was over. Prisoners of their own war of terror, captured and imprisoned by themselves. They even threw away their own keys. Is ait an mhac an saol.
Just imagine someone trying to take Ballythefireside AND Ballythefireplace away from us? We should write a solicitor's letter!
And yes, the brains are in over drive and the vein of literary genius that John B oft praised is alive and well. Here’s a few.
WHAT DID DET BLACKGARDING JIM O'NEILL SAY TO BALLYTHEFIREPLACE?
YOU’RE NICKED!
WHAT WAS THE REPLY?
YOU'RE AS THICK AS A THIEF AND YOUR LIGHT FINGERS WELL GET BURNT, and so they did
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
HE TOOK IT ALL VERY BADLY, AND, THEN, WELL, HE GOT NICKED HIMSELF DIDN'T HE
Ballythefireplace also asked Jim if he had any respect for the law
What did our Jim say to his partner in crime?
We will be on the run if we get away with this. Little did Jim know though but that his luck would run out. Did he get carried away by himself though? Jim unfixed it all alright, unfixed himself. Talk of fixtures and fittings, fixing and fitting things up, unfixing and unfitting more the like.
What did our Jim say to our Robert?
I have a sneaky feeling about all of this
What game did Jim and Robert play as youngsters?
Cops and robbers. Ah well sure you have to start 'em young and didn't they progress nicely. And you'd often wonder just who paid the bill? Someone should have footed the bill, with a good size twelve right where the sun don't shine!
Someone else feels that if Ballythefireside burnt Ballythefirepair and their long list of accomplices, then we should be set on the bondholders. Having saved the state €2.5m already we are so proud and there is lots more to come, and a lot less for the Gombeen gang. Angela's Ashes, ah now stop!
Then this youngster tells us that the joke at school was that Ballythefireplace was the hottest takeaway ever known, and well wouldn't it be! Sure be jazus but didn't they try to steal the bloody stove.
A local snout tells us that the best one he heard about town was that the multi-million donation was as Unrobert as you could imagine; RUBU it was - Robert, Upstaged, Busted, Unbearable. Leopards don't change their spots so now what could have changed? With it being IMF money and what have you, something had to give, and it wasn't Robert. Ballythefireside knows though so just watch this space; we want to make a timely revelation. It ties in with something else, strings attached but who's holding the boyos in the loop hole they got all tangled up in, by themselves, swam straight into the net, albeit a drift net. Poachers we are but don’t tell the bailiff, just not yet, don’t upset the party.
Another good one was that the Kerry midfield is now at last sorted with the long arms of the law that are our Ballythefirepair, our Jim aka Ballythefiregarda and Robert. And if they can lift a house and a fireplace they will try to grasp anything so JackO'C won't be worrying about any lack of commitment. As Jim says if it moves we'll lift it and with hot property being their speciality the ball is well within their reach, played right into their gwal. No more proven a partnership there is although we just hope that their two brain cells aren’t now damaged goods. At last a bit of competition to keep Star on his toes and what with Nacie and Enright sure things are also looking up for Mayo and Limerick, pun not intended.
Someone commented that the Gombeen gang got caught in Ballythecrossfire. What really happened was that they saw an opportunity to benefit personally by abusing their discretionary powers of public privilege and so they tried but got caught red handed, and should now present themselves at their local Garda station, failing which they must be rounded up. All of them without exception have repeat offended; in a recent case an attempt was made to steal a further €45k, and sure why wouldn’t they? Who is running Law and Order, Gombeens or those with a vocation for differentiating between basic right and wrong? If there are no consequences for Gombeenism then there can be no rewards for our talented; there is only one cake, and a rapidly diminishing cake it is with every day these systemic crimes remain unaddressed. What's that Garda Patrol number?
And we just had a phone call of the let who hasn't sinned cast the first stone type. They say we shouldn't lean on Robert in hard times and that it is so unfair that the law should be the same for him as it is for everyone else. He even had to pay VAT on the Curtin case and he did admit this on Radio Kerry although for some strange reason such headlines didn’t make The Kerryman which of course we forgot, is now under the control of one Denis O’Brien. FODOBs are our Ballythefirepair? Our Robert is no Mick Wallace when it comes to paying VAT, too right. And now The Golden Brown Circle have had to take a step down the ladder to Silver, albeit family silver, other family’s silver, and of course copper, and for all we know bronze statues. Is it that he is cutting in on another man’s trade? It would hardly be Robert’s first foray into the literary world, now would it. Although having gotten burnt you’d have thought he would stay away from hot and heavy metals. Precious metal was always their thing, well it was ours and it ended up being their's when they lifted it. And then it transpires that the head of the Northern Brigade, is well, Dicey Ricey of course. Sure he had the experience and his contacts in the industry did him no harm at all in getting that promotion, or so we were told, well we were led to believe beforehand anyway, although that might have been for a different job, a Knight in Shining Armour posting in contrast to lifting armour on a shiny night as was said!
And didn’t some wisecrack give us the one about the difference between Robert and a Golden Retriever; Robert is a Golden Receiver, and while we share the sense of humour we know of a few other differences, loyalty being one. We unreservedly apologise to the Canine family on behalf of these 'gentlemen' and beg to ask, who should be led of collar and lead?; who’d want the job?; sure you couldn’t take them anywhere
It is often said of the Golden Retriever that he would lead a robber to the family jewels
Love is blind and none more so than the love of money which is blind to nothing more than justice; money speaks all languages and solicitors listen and take it all in, pun intended
A local guy Miko also asserts that love of money is blind and that Robocop as he terms our Ballythefirepair put their fingers in the wrong place and, well burnt they got. And here was we thinking they were honest to the tips of their fingers.
Operation Ballythefireplace
There be law and order
of property, chattel and the road
Enforced by Ballythefirepair RoboCop
along the New Line Lartigue fold
Running from station approach in Ballybunion
to lord Gombfather preacher headquarters in Listowel
Sheriff, solicitor, judge, jury and defendant, all rolled into one
we be a law unto ourselves, the local golden circle diplomatic corps
Where there be cut of the fiddle we be first on the scene
streets, houses and public places we patrol
We strip assets by hook and by crook leaving places bare clean
outlaw conniving cronies causing chaos ourselves through cajole
In our heyday we claimed job seekers allowance
for providing employment to those on remand and parole
Though The Kid got derobed for trousering the lolly dosh grant
loudspeaker mouthpiece breaking the Gombeen Omertà ciúinis modus operational code
Copying old-dab-hand class-act pick pocket be the dangerous game
the poor lad be honey trapped into scoring a silver-lined fool's gold own goal
Reputation-riding put the long arm of the law in the wrong pocket
forcing Gombeen Gang membership cull, stricter exam to enrol and birth control
We also develop housing, commanding materials without charge
and top up at the weekend from an obliging forecourt
For no little profit we match-up crashed chassis-calamity cars
hoping that well honed cut-'n'-shut welding holds up when resold
We have work a plenty right through the hardest of times
and nothing be beyond reach of our joined up in a circle, long arms of the law
Once we set our sights on a loot we will have it whatever it takes
be it blah, chain saw, smash jaw, gun draw, claw or just grease of paw
We employ a posse of dismantlers, box shifters and drivers
and field a crew of area reps on the road
We alternate between gamekeeper and poacher
and we can borrow sniffer hound if the trail be going cold
Our army are always precise
on our own rule book of tricks
So once you be a warranted gang member
you holster authority over crime that we hold
You calculate what accidents be worth
getting top pay, conditions and tips
And there be other fringe benefits whether you be
on our dole payroll full or part-time
Other branches be under pressure but our business is booming
we not be under threat of government subsidy cutback or closure
For our special branch has property shop sideline enterprise revenue
local initiative that keeps the unit overhead unusually low
We be widely diversified across products and services
stocked of looted goods and accessories from ceiling to floor
Dunnes, Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and the chemist all put together
can't compete with our prices and such selection galore
But in Operation Ballythefireplace even the oven-gloves burnt into the flesh
playing with fire that turned out to be white hot, not cold
Rummaging under cover of darkness tested big bang theory
getting caught in Ballythecrossfire cracked our safe-graft crass code
With the lights out, up came the new fence
hard to resist temptation of antique so our luck we rode
But we must have tripped secret detonator switch
for some strange apparatus did explode
The Lartigue turntable uncoiled of Richter scale force
whirling us high in the air out through the front door
Once the dust had settled us moonlighters be caught red-handed
burnt were our finger tips, with fools gold lain aside on the floor
Oh the true unfettered spirit of that auld Ballythefireside hot-house
it's now big black burnt out eyes staring down on us be our ghost
Haunted by it be us Gombeen Tour de G Force passing Lisselton
Operation Ballythefirepower did us evil spirits exorcise with gusto
Was it almighty free energy spirit fighting off evil ghost
hot meeting cold that generated such whizzer cyclone?
Whatever it be, we shalt not now be soon returning
for Lisselton henceforth be a no-go area for our ilk, a Gombeen free zone
High-tail skedaddled, now our own quill be wayward
too awkward for our light now burnt claws to nestle hold
And us paraliterary pseudopoets now be pressing the wrong buttons
with our fat bandaged fingers on the keyboard
Inflamed with swelled heads causing standards to slip
as did literary legacy, for wordsmiths we be no more
Now resorted to new found if natural comical ghost writing skill
but what we now pen just doesn't fly, our phantom ink drops of cold stone
With our moonlighting masks melted, all was finally revealed
as the gorey details of spooked skeleton shenanigans did unfold
Like the target consignment on the night, it be for us too hot and heavy
and over on our backs at Lisselton Cross did The Golden Brown Circle roll
With man standing on his head, imagination be capped by G force
inkspiration up through a refill doesn't flow
Of noble New Line Ballythefireside literary reservóir
we once mocked and laughed at what we considered so low brow
Now into the ground thaws our own cold ink
lightweight watered-down, disappears like melting snow
Scratching bum and scraw, suffering stage fright shock and writers block
and whatever we now try be of stutter, stammer, stunted, stifled, stern and slow
The pen-pusher nib cracks and splinters
so the scrolls not be of sweet music but crow
And the un-chilling chalk stick against the grain of our black board
makes that unnerving finger-nail, squeak, screech, pitch noise of abhor
While of those we once downtrod, stonewalled and tormented
those who we thought were below
Their inspiration now from Heavenly high
just pours and pours and overflows
Painting picture of battle and bruise of victory
their well oiled ballpoint just rolls and rolls
As we scrape the barrel of our empty sculls
all we find is what be in the black hole
Yet when we dream of lofty, celebrated
and hero fulfilment glory days of old
All that graces us be nightmare
of guilt and ghost of gallows
Literary blossom and spirit of heart strings be temperamental
interference consigns perpetrator to gravity status quo
When man spends his time envying thy neighbours bumper harvest
away blow his own chances in life, off course and out of control
Permanently blighting village landscape, rupturing local literary vein
in what was more dark con-art and crass witch craft than finest hour chore
Us flawed hybrid pedigrees severed our own thin blood supply
betraying tunic honour and abdicating forefather henceforth
Us naughty splinter RoboCops on active moonlight service
big Ballythefirepair officer and agent of the law brave and bad bold
Too contrary to have listened and abided
by Ballythefireside wisdom as oft told
The moral of the story be
tread carefully out of bounds
What glistens in the dark of night
was found to be but of fool's gold
Of another man's possession steer clear
trap often be blind to intruder
Too late now as us tricksters got badly burnt
when Operation Ballythefireside crossed the threshold
Losing our touch now mere shadow of what we once were
light fingers eternally wounded and we be getting a bit old
Maybe 'tis the end of the journey, time to hand over the badge
to the next generation who have grown of the mould
Us insiders had good innings 'til our luck ran out
ne'er repent nor remorse, sure 'twas only our souls we sold
Fortune flowed free where we backed up the truck
the system we augured for ourselves to freeload
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla focal Sean Nós
Those of burning ambition in the literary world be of two types, Ballythefiresiders and those with a sod of turf between the ears, a Ciaráin of turf as we'd say locally
Respect for people and property are two basics we learn at school. Now what school did some of us go to you’d wonder? Templemore and Blackhall Place! Say no more!
If the Gombeen swallowed a crowbar would it straighten him out, or up? Then he would no longer fit the circle; would he break it? Is this when things take a turn for the worse? That his name was Dunlop could only happen in Ireland and lucky he didn't have hand, act or part in Operation Ballythefireplace, or maybe he did and that made his squeal; and in which case it was another Gombeen we dethroned; jazus but some of 'em are a pure melt!
The light fingered pick-up all they want but light touch regulators don't pick up finger-prints
Taking the heavy load and thieving of the cargo are hardly the same
The apprentice criminal shall serve out his time, one way or another
The Gombeen network nets small fish
If being economical with the truth maximises profits, then the truth can be very costly
If money be the root of all evil and a religion to many, and as economics determines everything in the long term, is money the root of all matter of conflict? Property be more about who belongs to where as opposed to what belongs to whom.
If money be the god of those with lots of it, do the rich have more faith?
Clewless Gardai with no cop on have to be policed the honourable officer?
Only bent cops are members of the golden brown envelope circle and like their fellow solicitor members, they are not for turning, because if they did they might straighten and the system would break; it is no place for straight talkers.
He who doesn’t have a leg to stand on runs fastest, and of course it takes an exception to prove a rule; our RoboCops escaped, but they never got away, well not with Ballythefireplace anyway, because, well didn’t they got caught in Ballythecrossfire
And Jimmy, yet another local initiated literary man claims he contacted the world renowned author John Grisham to see if he would do a book on this outfit. It would certainly put Writers Week on the big map but alas it was not to be. Grisham said he only did fiction. He also said though that he had heard all about the Gombeens and he doubted that there was anything he could add. Fact is stranger than fiction for two reasons then. Firstly fact is unknown of in these circles and secondly the criminal is far more imaginative than us literary folk. You have to take your cap off to them, pun intended or not? And if you don't sure they'll take it off for you, just as they take everything else they lay their eyes on.
Another local joker observed that Pierse & Fitzgibbon should clean up their own act before sponsoring the tidy towns; now whatever was meant by that?
Consistent with Ireland's aspiration to be the smart economy Ballythefirepair have thrown in their tuppeny bit; the have launched a new Carriage of Sale property business, so it doesn't matter who buys, they will carry the goods for themselves. The only problem is that it failed the pilot test, Ballythebackfire. So now they need to sharpen their marketing skills as they can no longer claim that the service works with houses and fireplaces.
And someone just sent in the following, apparently an old cutting from The Kerryman and we are always interested in these -
FOR SALE WIDE RANGE OF LOOTED GOODS
Power Tools –Black & Decker, Hitachi Kangos, etc
Electrical Household Appliances -TV’s (2nd hand Black & White and new Colours), Videos, Fridge Freezers, Toasters, etc. Also a selection of jewellery –Wedding & Engagement rings, Eternity rings a speciality, perfect fit for Gold 'n Bold Brown circle. Outboard Motors, Electric Fences, Garden Equipment, Lawn Mowers, Hose Reels, etc.
Second-hand Pocketometres and Dodgeometres, reconditioned due to heavy usage.
Pocketometres monitor activity of Long Arms in pockets, invaluable when used in conjunction with the Dodgeometre which detects Long Arms in other people's pockets, ideal for The Long Haul.
Also coming in soon - House at Lisselton in need of repair-with or without boundary fences –I.e. Uprooting and overnight disposal a speciality as proven with Ballythefirewall. Expedited Planning Permission available to non-owners and intending thieves by prior arrangement with our TD and Engineer. Title deeds can be tailored to your needs, proven and fully approved by HQ in collaboration with Irish Lawless Society and Solicitors Anti-Disciplinary Tripeurinal.
Also contents therein - Antique Fireplace, returned from Dublin by previous thieves and accomplices.
We also offer a valuation service, just tell us where you store your valuables. Garda discount applies at the usual rate.
Panel of Solicitors having carriage and four of scheme: Pierce, Penetrate, Persecute & Plunder or Leeways, Wayward, Gombeen, Leech & Noright, Church Street, Listowel, Co Kerry.
Fire Certs also arranged through Leeways, FOI and Council resistant, also available with Council approval for pubs for extra €500, in cash. Special Gombeens quantity discount and bonus card points apply for regular patrons.
New stocks coming in daily.
Personal attention insisted upon at all times.
Apply Jim'll lift it aka Ballythefiresale
The One Cop Stop Property Shop Special Branch
Superstore Street
t/a Sideline Enterprises
PUC -Public Unlimited Company
Ballythefirestation Approach
Ballybunion
Co Kerry
Phone Ballybunion 104 -Morning, noon or night
PLEASE NOTE THAT WE DO NOT ACCEPT CHEQUES, CREDIT CARDS, BANK DRAFTS. USED BANK NOTES IS OUR PREFERRED PAYMENT METHOD AND WE ALSO PROVIDE A BARTER SERVICE; E.g. IF YOU CAN PUT BUSINESS OUR WAY WE WILL ALWAYS RETURN THE FAVOUR. WE OFFER ENDLESS REFERENCES AND TESTIMONIALS, ALL FROM THE MOST UPSTANDING MEMBERS OF THE COMMUNITY OF COURSE.
Our motto be - We be a one stop cop shop, no cops stop us as there be no stopping us
BallythefireGarda - An Ode to Jim'll Unfix it
Don’t forget whatever it is
BallythefireGuard Jim’ll have the power tool, to unfix it
Trust his badge and his long arm of the law
he even un-fixes and lifts when William O’Brien fails
Be it for fixture of fitting, house and shoplifting
a bag of cement or a gallon of petrol
If it moves Jim’ll shift it
if it doesn’t he won’t let you down
His long arm of the law for the Long Haul
it only lifts the best, the very best, the almighty best
All products with lifetime guarantee
new for old with stocks always coming in
Even after his walk to the park
still busy be Jim fiddling and finding and lifting and shifting
Wherever it is, whatever it takes
“I will deal with you personally myself” is his motto
Now who said personal service was dead
it’s alive and living at Station Approach
Our Mission statement states there be no questions asked
it's a business we are running and not a quiz show
Turnover is quick, no questions asked
around the countryside we whizz and not slow
Contact our station before you talk to anyone else
confidentiality assured, we are here to help
It be a one way street transaction of no cash
just tell us where the loot to be lifted lies
And around in a jiffy with Jim at the wheel
will be the Black Maria in a dash
Once we pay you a visit
you'll have nothing to worry about
Because we'll take it all away
but only the visit we pay
Taking a load off your mind
soon coming your way
Us of the Golden Brown Circle busy doing our rounds
lassoing loot and chattel; morning, noon, night and day
P.S. 1 Any rumour that our branch is closing is incorrect; business is booming. And anyway we don’t get haircuts, we give them! We do not require state intervention as we are a law unto ourselves.
P.S. 2 All offers are subject to availability and terms and conditions apply. Prices are cash ex-stock and night delivery is included. We appreciate information and we are always looking for New Lines.
A Solicitors Letter
You might take an educated guess
in your studies to avoid swat and cram
And then end up getting a kick up the backside
when you sit down and not recognise the exam
Drunk lad moves in cheek to cheek for a snog
as he slow dances to shift the hen
During her farewell, dirty dancing
disco party, last fling, weekend
Not wishing to get her into trouble
he sounds out if she be on the pill
Taking her shy smile as guilt admission
he comforts her about shotgun sin
Whisper slurring sweet nothings
he then goes in for the kill
Only for her vocation to finally erupt
with a facial backhand clash freezing him still
Her nuptial promise
she then refuses to fulfil
Instead she spreads her wings
for the nuns in disgust
Rather than go against her teaching
and Almighty God's will
Having stretched the budget
for a lavish bit of nosh
The answer might be 'don't know'
when the question be popped
The trainee barman might fumble and fidget and flinch of fright with the change
while dillydally docking and diddling the young musketeer drunk
As he stumbles and staggers and swings and straightens and sways
spewing and spraying and spitting and splurting gobbledygook
Then the old pro frowns furiously, flexing and flailing his long burly arms
demonstrating precisely for the umpteenth time how the ritual should be fun
Going through the motions, step by step with absent minded guinea pigs
he shows how that as the evening progresses the easier it be done
Only for the light-fingered fiddle to be captured start to finish
and the twiddle twisting ends up tagged and trending viral on Twitter and Facebook
Then the whole world starts using it as a teaching tool
to pass on the tricks of the licensed trade to the apprentice crook
They even apply to the local politician for grant aid
to commercialise the idea in a 'For Dummies’ book
But the venture be more yeast slop than top-shelf Yeats spirit
as the greasy pawed greedy Gombeen yet again runs out of luck
And the curtains fall on the intoxicated start-up enterprise
as the under-study program was clearly for stage undercooked
Then the students do Time and Motion work study
addressing the flaws that the auld dab hand overlooked
Now they run amuck screwing the dimwit barman
getting all the drink they want without parting with a buck
The teacher now forced from high-stool back to high-school
as by the swashbuckle phenomenon he be totally spooked
And all because his outdated, best practice, modus operandi methodology
in the world of modern technology came unstuck
Alas the local drama group take it around the country
using it for wannabee actors in breaking their duck
Student dreams of Hollywood and Ballythefirewood invoke nightwares of fame
with the people of parish and country now star-struck
Dracula the seasoned madam sex-and-the-city
the local toy-boy snatcher
Flirts and evil eyes the sturdy now ripe
strapping, burly lad at the barn dance
Only for him to decline a grab a granny
innocence losing steamy roll in the hay
For an après-hours hangover session
with the lads back at the pub
You might run into the corner shop
for a packet of fags in a shower
Only for a new parking warden to assert power
of the anorak uniform on his first day in the job
The housebound wife might go hysterical
after her date of birth lotto numbers finally came up
Only to discover that himself had just for Cheltenham week decided
to improve on their chances with a Yankee on the day of The Gold Cup
As punter in residence down in the local betting shop
he applied his expert knowledge of horse and hound during a session in the pub
After carefully weighing up the odds he invested her wager
at odds that were carefully selected give the bookie a rub
For months after he be eating out
rummaging the dustbin for grub
While his poor wife had to attend
the local meditation club
You can have a bad day over in The Island at The Races
backing each-way nags that should be backed under a cart
And when they tried to get him to line up
‘twas back-ways out of habit he wanted to go from the start
You may even have a leg in the gee-gee who Devon Lochs it
when the victorious roar from the crowd did him scare
With the champagne on ice and the town on stand-by
everything had to be aborted
Just as everyone was readying to collect their winnings
and the celebrations were about to get underway
The ice would now melt with the dreams
and jubilation would have to wait for another day
A 25lb wild salmon can get away in The Smearla
snapping tightline and strings of poor fisherman's heart
He then has to surrender his weeks pint pocket money
to pay for an auld frozen, farmed sprat from the shop
Worse still the foreigner is licensed
to pouch with net from our shore
Yet Paddy casts his flies
and the bailiff chases him home to the door
Then he hears back in the pub what happened
with his confiscated catch
Devoured it was at pompous party
of high brow posse of solicitor and sergeant
Ned the donkey might kick the bucket
with the turf still in the bog
Then the poor pensioner faces the cold winter
without coal, turf or log
Still he’d have company of The Collie
but poor Chep got poisoned of a night roaming the country
Having scented invite from far afield
to a procreative love making session
The 15th of August might come and go
and still not a sop of hay in the barn
And having rescued unfortunate neighbour before
he now refuses to oblige of return
Your best milker might burst her waters
and go into heavy labour
Just as the referee blows the restart
of the All Ireland final
Or a single beast might bring down
your prize herd of purebreds in the test
That you devoted your entire lifetime
building up from scratch to be the world's best
You might not even now own
the bed where you lay
And spend years without
a moments sleep or rest
The rings of the creamiest pint of ordinary
in the town and beyond
Might be tormented by stage scarecrow
or unwelcome company curse
A man might have laid out his bottom dollar
for a litter of Clonmel greyhounds
And end up with a pack of hungry
pretty prancing and purring pet puppies
You may pray to God
for weather for the garden
Only for it to work against you
at each and every twist and turn
It might pour rain every hour
of your well earned week's holiday
Then the sun splits the rocks
once you return to work
You then arrive home stressed of an evening early
and wonder of all the commotion upstairs
Then you find your best mate the priest
and herself doing the dirt
The sugar daddy might rejoice on the news
that his babe be expecting an addition to the kin
Only for her to clarify later over drinks
that it is a grandchild that his son slipped in
You can score an own goal
that loses the local football derby
And be jeered off the field
as your own mother berates you with a puck
Then you envy your worst enemy
who gets man of the match
And he arm-chaired around town
parading with the cup
Later in evening as you drown your sorrows
your childhood sweetheart texts that she is jumping ship
Then you find out she was courting the hoor for months
when you were abstaining in the run up to the big match
And if that wasn't enough he lets you in on a secret
while drunk on the stage with the band
That what made him play so well and you so bad
was the nightly company of forbidden flesh in love-land
The €uro can crumble around us
and bring down the house
And an off-side score is allowed
against us in Poland
With a solitary goal and no point
we then annoy Roy of the Rovers
As we rejoice in song and dance
for all we be worth
Trapped in Trap door handcuffs
still you'll never beat the Irish
Youse Spanish only beat us 4 nil
you didn’t take us apart
We’ve been fooled by Thierry Henry
and the bond holders
And then the All Blacks were gifted
by a bent ref with a ruck
Young John Joe sweated gallantly and gloriously for gold
only to peak a match too early out of pure hard luck
Barnes loses on a dodgy count-back
having delivered swing, jab, knockout blow and uppercut
We've even lost an odd All Ireland
to Down, Darby and Dub
And then for an eternity had to listen
to every useless article giving us the rub
But nothing in the solar system could compare
to the anguish, the pain, the grief and the hurt
‘Twas the wettest of watery wet weeks of all winters
the Market Street monsoon had him cursing and farting
The day Operation Ballythefireside and Operation Ballythefireplace
both Ballythebackfired and recoiled and justice finally got its own back
When poor Robert started bawling his arse crying
over losing his €2.5m silken shirt
Some people ask not what the country can do for them
but what they can do for each other
Then there are those who tried to take down the country
and then one of them got caught and fell over
What goes around comes around
oh look at what went on at The Cross and elsewhere
He who puts his dirty paws on another man's property
the mantle of the error of his ways will he bear
The Emperor now absent of cover
he hath no clothes to wear
The derobing tells the truth
apart from skeletons the wardrobe is bare
No more drum beat
by self-appointed moral custodian police
Now crumpled pillars
the people are no longer mushroomed, unaware
The do as I say and not as I do
is of no consequence no more
He who does the crime shall now serve his time
if of no remorse, then at his leisure in despair
He who refused to make good the ill take
shall at every turn repay the full fare
Trust only be lost once forever
the seal of confidence can never repair
Inflict insult and injury, then insistence of innocence
be unforgivable beyond all prayer
He of trouble maker and rainmaker industry
shalt the fruits of his work share
All mercy be restrained
even by the jennets and their foals at the fair
From corner to corner of society
nowhere in the whole world will he find care
He once owned the shirt
of silver buttons and golden circle white collar
With a badge that he gambled
on a famous lost case
Did Endathelion tear it off his back?
they were seen having fistycuffs up the back-way
The day the bravest Mayo giant guru rode bareback into town
against local opposition his hairy chest he pushed out so brave
Some thought our own minister was delivering on his promise
of a local re-enactment of The Quiet Man with John Wayne
Such ferocious festival fever with wild bloodied raging bulls
around the corridors of power that was the streets down to the square
The whole world was watching with hawk eye bird's nest cameras in the air
But neither appeared of the world
to have even the slightest concern or care
Nobody was going to cross Endathelion
and he who did would pay dear for his dare
It was Wild West meeting Sir Robert King of Compo under law of the jungle
may the best man win in a fair game of laissez faire
You had party hacks and henchmen coming between them
and even the local minister himself was already readied knuckle bare
Fianna Fail promised they’d provide the curtain raiser
but where would they now find a suitable fighting pair?
They had two course and distance contenders
but now both struggling from wear and tear
In their time they would have gone toe to toe regularly
adding excitement to The Harvest Festival leaving nothing to spare
Now battle weary and worn
from holding centre court on better days
If these warriors were on camera
then nothing to it would compare
And there was an old score still to settle
then where better to have it maintained and repaired
Than here in front of the local electorate
in front of the whole audience on the big stage
This pair chorus proclaimed that the blue-shirts
were only Fianna Fail lightweights
And that the load was now heavy
but for their reputations would they now fight
For entertainment value alone
they could not be ignored
And anyway to leave them out in the cold
and ignore them would be so unfair
When you needed to hit low
to sort things out at grassroots level
Then Fianna Fail were the only party
who could stage such display
While they dithered and argued
the decision went to HQ
But the two couldn’t resist
and wouldn't be denied nomination
With such smell of old bad blood
and such fight in the air
Despite calls of plea from Micheál Martin
they would not be deprived of opportunity so rare
Against defending their respective honours
they wouldn’t be persuaded
And so the match-up was set
with everything on the table
To take that last seat they would now each have
to rise out of the corner chair
Word flowed down The Shannon
that Dilly O'Wee was on his way
And that he would take on this pair singled handed
as he was now trained by the defense corps
The crowd wanted so badly of Willi and Willie
that the holy man had then down on their knees in prayer
Ballythefiremandan didn't like being ignored
so he stood up and started to swear
He proclaimed that he be king of North Kerry
and anyone standing in his road should now make way
His eyes watered of burning ambition
of a pair of wee Willies he didn't care
By hook or by crook the day would be his
he'd use his power and might being a billionaire
And if all else failed sure his old friends Maguire and Patterson
could be called on to save the day
One way or another it wouldn't be a Dilly Willie contest
not which I am king, neigh neigh neigh, ole ole ole
The gaffer, ganger Angel Francis aka Frank The Quack descended from high
Hovering as he consecrated the ground for grip with saw dust
He then arranged ringside seats with borrowed bales of hay
from only the well established and proven sources of old he could trust
If Robert was going to be without his shirt
then Endathelion would also have to strip down to the waste
The friendship like the shirt now torn between two ex lovers
poor Robert and Dáil Éireann now gone their separate ways
When you push your luck too often
on too many you prey
It eventually runs out and your number is up
their ticket comes out and the price of the prize you will pay
Blinded by mouth frothing, craw thumper greed you picked on the wrong fool
and so torn was the shirt as dawned D reckoning day
Ballythefireofficer was quick to the scene
by golly but you need a cert for an event like that
People can’t congregate without license from me
it’ll be 500 smackers upfront and none of your auld chat
The only exception be when I have to rise the fists myself
when things are not going to my business plan
I also have the law with me so I can do as I wish
I know a rural station where I can good as sign off stuff with my own hand
Once it works the first time there be no stopping after that
when us important uniforms use our authority collectively
We be more proxy syndicate, blanket defense
than one man bands
One day it might be my turn
currently I am developing a plot of land
Tomorrow it be another one of our own
the man on the take always has call of helping hand
If I have to start official paperwork
for this important event
It could take months and months
to process properly by the book
There’ll be no fist fight in town today
and the show it will have to be put back
Now if anyone bid grease my paw
then with no twist of the arm
Permission for the craic
I will personally grant
Maybe someone be in need of my stock in trade
and for their own merchandise I can swap
Pat Enright was quick to the rescue
in my good office this is how things are done
A case I will doctor to sort out the matter
it is worth a lot so start can the fun
As long as my pet client
can continue to sell porter
For him the law
needs to be ignored
As for the lad who be in your way
with his land-locking tract of land
I'll sort out his file
for your good self in return
Sure he's away in London
and without local connection
I once tried it on with him
and I got so badly hurt
I thought with Billy The Kid and the gang behind me
'Twould be no bother to floor him with instrument blunt
I have connections in The Law Society and politics
and I drive home from court plastered with bent cops
After spending the morning rolling porky pies to the judge
and the afternoon celebrating now pissed as farts
Sure I'll also get Dumbo to sort out the planning
nobody will notice as we work behind closed doors in the dark
This is now my turn at last we have common enemy
come on John, us partners in crime
Lets again do the dirtiest of the dirt
for scheme like this it only be the umteenth time
We can always bend the line if the worst comes to the worst
and if we get caught sure as usual, someone else will for us bite the dust
Sure it happened before and Linda Kirwan came to the rescue
although she left it a bit late to have a word with the judges
Nevertheless I kept my frock despite the bug in my building
although a few bob it cost and Ballythefireofficer did fudge
With The Angel Francis and Dicey Ricey's Rangers protecting us
all I did was the evidence smudge
Then a wink and a nod and a few bob
after that we got the acknowledgement nudge
Ballythefirecerts now off the menu
'cause Enda got so cross
You'd have thought he’d be a pushover
jazus did he show us who was boss
In future we must be careful
to apply more gloss
And when sharing it out
we must be careful where we get our sauce
For there's no point in getting caught
all the sweating and them fines turning projects into losses
Paying the big bung and officials only there in body
swinging the lead on the doss
The Minister then blessed all that was going on
and the crowd applauded
A local solution
to a local problem
Such urgent business
with so much at stake
Fair game in the town
I won't condemn or interrupt
The Watch Man messenger boy himself
would be at the head of affairs
Sleeves rolled up putting his latest
now vintage Rolex on display
He couldn’t rely on heresay
to file report of such an occasion
The timing would have to be spot on
with so much in the balance on the day
Best equipped to be the referee
and clock-watch keeper he would be
Sure 'twas even rumoured that he be
in a joint venture with our Robert
To supply goal-line technology
to all our football and rugby games
They'd have that unique combination
of uninterrupted record and integrity
For such self-appointed power of authority
in law and order we should be grateful
They be a law unto themselves
keeping us all on the straight
Lifetimes of meeting public service obligation
and all without ever helping themselves to any loot
A more honest man than The Watch Man you couldn’t find
to deliver the goods
Such a long track record
as a watch man himself
Having personally picked
the very best timing equipment
Straight from our national
supply chain network truck shelf personally for himself
Now that the ask was there
the local heros would fight
It would end a career
to lose such a campaign
First to fall in front of the electorate
forever be blighted
For the winner
a life of chauffeur and champagne
From the sharp shooter's revolver
the silver bullet backfired
The man’s mind now only
of shattered dream
Freeloader backing up the truck
with the loot
The lads about the town
now celebrating with a few beers
The sobbing from whaling and sulking
now flooding the Feale Valley of tears
The lawyer fought the law
and the law won
Got on the wrong side of the letter
of moral street law
So he goes and breaks the wrong one
then off must be chopped the long greedy, greasy, paw
We are told he had ordered a settlement
of no less than 125 repossessed houses
Family planning by buying on the cheap
for clatter of clutch of clan not even born
Vested interests putting poor decent people
on the roadside
Jobless fathers, under nourished children
and helpless mothers in mourn
The Curtin case already
cost the tax payer €20m
Some justice now done
dues not be refused by clawback
Oh the deluge of tears from crying
and laughter
Writers Week will be mighty of booze
garnisheed fresh news
For some it will be just reward
of eternal bruise of blues
Scant consolation for the vulnerable
who all the years their likes to little reduced
For the rest of the world
pure, unadulterated, overdue amuse
The thought of what society has come to
scheming, robbery and systemic child abuse
Escaping is not getting away
the hare sits
The Gombeen gang no longer
decides for us what is true
Of the day poor Robert
lost his €2.5m shirt
Light pockets in the wind
his trousers wavered and blew
The cracks are opening
the house of cards is falling
As people take their place
in the queue
The rules of the game
have changed for the better
To call things as they are
is no longer taboo
Original Ballythefireside quotes agus Cúpla focal Sean-nós
The longer injustice prevails the more the blood boils, and roasts
If you escape through the net then there is no safety net
Is the title of Superintendent derived from intention as opposed to action?
The bully be powerless when you don't worry about him; the only thing is that the Gombeen bully has a cartel so everyone is forced to deal with him. Ballythefireside discovered that he is the purest, unadulterated coward imaginable, spineless ... so we burned them, well they did it themselves touching hot property they couldn't afford.
In attacking the system solicitors are effectively an autoimmune disease for which there is no known cure
If possession be nine tenths of the law then based on the law of probability solicitors can do what they like, and so the law be an ass, and which makes solicitors smart asses
When it came to loitering with intent at Ballythefireside, were Ballythefirepair found wanting?
Solicitors put people on the street and now they can’t walk the streets themselves, although they may well have to one day soon, and not a day too soon
Which is more painful, getting their light fingers burnt with the quill or being hands on with Ballythefireplace? Maybe Ballythefiregarda can tell us? Neither could conduct themselves not to mind heat and ah well, if you can’t stick the heat ….
The light fingered are anything but honest to the tips of their fingers, with the tips of their fingers, the now burnt tips of their fingers
Who is worse, the light fingered or the lad who won't even lift a finger?
What have Ballythefirepair and a finger got in common? Neither can be bent!
Fingers must bend before they can be crossed, for luck
There is no limit to what the he light finger will lift but the ink will always flow after him
The crooked cannot may be bent, but not backwards and certainly not straightened out
The devil tempts the idle and the busy most
Which law breakers are worse, law makers or law enforcers? Unfortunately we don't have to make a decision as we have plenty of both
What have James Bond and Ballythefirepair, got in common? Gold Finger
Only the crooked can negotiate the dangerous bends in life
The crony blanket defense has smothered society but they refuse to throw in the towel
There be but six inches between a scratch of the back and smack in the arse and the long arm of the law can reach another six to empty your pocket
Some beat the system while others simply tweak it
The soul of the stoney heart shalt drop, like a stone
If you want to solve the crime simply follow the money line; Now who will we credit with this? Obviously some people didn’t take their own advice and followed the scent of heat all the ways to Lisselton and Ballythefireside, and well, got burnt! Shouldn't RTE Crimeline therefore be called RTE Moneyline?
Most people pay their way in society; bribers pay their way through it, solicitors walk straight through it, us
The second most dangerous brains are in cells, the most dangerous are the ones who didn’t get caught
The coalface is a dirty and dangerous place of risk to the navvy and reward for he who raids the pot
There are lots of ways around Ballythefireside and one of them in not driving straight through it with the carriage and four, as Ballythefirepair learned the hard way, the hot way; it certainly gives a new meaning to the term burning ambition and sure wouldn’t any fool know that Ballythefireside is no place for horses!
Given that there never ever existed as much as a single straight in nature, where did solicitors inherit their crookedness from; man interfering with mother nature again?
If solicitors in South Kerry are deemed to be as straight as The Ring of Kerry are their North Kerry counterparts as long and grey and bent and stony faced as my meandering silver river Feale? Or maybe we should just tar them all with the same brush and deem all solicitors to be as straight as the Irish coastline?
Writing letters to the authorities does not address, let alone stamp out corruption once the brown envelope prevails; posting concerns on The Internet is clearly effective, democratisation of information and knowledge, the future of society, say hello to the information age. Freedom of Information without the €50 slush fund contribution. Freedom of speech it is called in democracies.
What's the difference between Robert and the thieves who go around trying to remove street statues of our past literary greats? They are bronze merchants while Robert deals in Silver and Coppers, well bent cops
White collar criminals are not welcome at Ballythefireside; the rejection alone makes them a bit hot under the collar
Good and bad people lighten your load, the good offering help, the bad relieving you of what you own
Is the whole of institutional arrogance equal to, greater or less than the sum of the parts? Some of the parts may well exceed the sum of the parts.
What’s the difference between the metal thieves and Ballythefiregarda? Jim didn’t realise that unlike himself Ballythefireplace conducted heat; hot property that was too hot to handle and when Jim couldn’t conduct either himself or the heat, he got his light fingers burnt. And it wasn't An Bradán Feasa either because Jim cannot tell the future, nor the past; in fact our Jim cannot even tell the truth and neither can he even get away with telling a lie. He told us he would deal with us personally if we attempted to erect a fence around our house, Ballythefireside that is. And well do ya know what but he never showed up to deal with us, and we were expecting him, we had the kettle on, on Ballythefire of course, Ballythefireplace in fact. What could have delayed him? Now his trip to The Phoenix Park couldn't have taken that long? Here's a bit of advice Jim, never touch what you cannot afford. Mutton heads get roasted alive in Ballythefireplace so is that why you didn't call around, again!
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong – Voltaire
If established authorities are wrong then devise a solution and charge the hoors for it; then everybody is out of danger and happy – Ballythefireside
Poor Voltaire also ignored the fact that doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the greatest form of madness
The safety net is of no help to little fish
What is the difference between Ballythefirepair and Maradona? Diego had the hand of god
It is high time to stop arse licking and kissing and start arse kicking
The out of joint nose has stronger scent
The crooked man cannot give a straight answer and doesn’t he also have a crooked look?
What happens when the law is found to have strayed above the law?
The man who foregoes the holiday is hiding something
The smallest brain is capsuled of the biggest boot
The tidy desk is that of he who does little or too much
Did Ballythefirepair ever hear what John B said about firesides? Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin, there is no fireside like your own fireside. Ah they did but like everything else the long arm of the law led them to believe that what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own. And so Robert thought Ballythefireside was his just like Jim thought with Ballythefireplace. And both were wrong. You see they are both ours and yes, there is nothing like them, nothing! The power of Ballythefireside has burnt all comers, all Gombeen hypocrites; politicians, cops, Brendan Gleeson’s girlfriends, numerous solicitors but not too numerous to mention, pilots, a returned yank, Miss Nothings, rats, Fire Officers, members of the disciplinary tribunal and their girlfriends, etc. As John B would say we’ll put butter on it for you so you won’t forget, and so we did! We should call the guards, and so we did! Ireland is in a state of no consequences no more and sure we'd hardly claim credit for turning the corner and leading the way, The Kerry way!
What is the difference between Ballythefirepair on the one hand, and the street criminals? The former are paid to uphold law and order
What have Ballythefirepair and the metal boyos all got in common? They are all enemies of the literary world. P.S. Being the source material for a right laugh is not a mitigating factor.
Talk of sourcing material, for Ballythefiresale!! Stealing steel or what I hear you say but they forgot they were stealing from steel, and steel rebounds and when it does it stays implanted in their mutton heads. There is even rumour that they were even seen lifting the old railway lines under the guise of a charity walk. Some charity walk alright, charity starts at home, well ends up at home, the proceeds that is.
Are Ballythefirepair two sides of the same now wobbling copper coin, the two of 'em sat by Ballythefireside having a chat; just imagine the conversation. Or the pair of 'em lending each other a hand to lift Ballythefireplace? Some pair alright, partners in crime.
Of course the ultimate difference between these two strains of the same gene is that the metal thieves (i.e. the bronze ones) only tried to destroy the memory of the past whereas Ballythefirepair tried to ruin those currently engaged in literary endeavour, an attack on the person. Of course it all Ballythebackfired , and hit Ballythefirepair where it hurts most, right in the pocket, although if we didn't have such a good shot there is also an adjacent point where it would have also been effective. Maybe we'll get another chance; you bet. There might be just one un-decommissioned revolver in our midst.
Thieves who had a burning desire for Ballythefireplace got burnt.
Was it how Robert thought Ballythefireside was The Ring of Fire and that Johnny Cash left all his money there? Robert himself didn't even get a chance to burn it, the €2.5m that is!
What should we get Ballythefirepair for xMas? A metal detective. not a defective detective, they already have one of those, are one of those
If man wants to protect his good name he should have thought of that before he destroyed it
Is paralegal the white-collar equivalent of paramilitary? It makes sense given that the Law Society is an elitist entity within and without mainstream society
For the man with the big boots the going is always heavy and he often gets bogged down, even sucked into the ground, into a bottomless pit; making his own bed in life if you like. And the more muck there is, the more muck there is to throw at him.
Poor anger management is but a symptom of weak emotion; don’t get mad, get even
Evil thrives when those who know better turn a blind eye
The black box reveals what happened and the dirty black door conceals what is happening, so do we need to plant a black box behind the dirty black door?
If our poem Taken after the gatherer was about Ballythefirepair, it would be called, Taking from the gatherer, or is Will Power more their story? Ah no, The Northern Bank Robbers of the 6 counties, the Munster 6 counties that is, Ulster has 9.
Fact is stranger than fiction, well it was until this exception; this fact is in fact funnier than fiction. Where would you get it?
The overwhelming excludes those that are under whelmed with what is going on
Sometimes old scores are settled by starting a whole new game entirely; The New Line tells a bit of a story in this respect
Mediocrity knows but the lower parameter and so thinks better of thou self
All political careers end in failure because they were failures to start with, and probably why they entered politics; all the others in the family went on to better things while the local jack the lad was parachuted into the custodial seat!
If failure be rewarded in the land of no consequences then it will never be in short supply, and don’t we just know it
If the arrangement requires a contract then you are tied up like an ass, by an ass, the law
When dispute comes to the front door the solicitor emerges from the undergrowth where he was waiting, hoping and praying
The word of an honest man hath no place in law for he does not communicate on Heehaw wavelength; he is but the dark horse and not be the smart ass
The think skin keeps more out than in; well there may not be a lot to keep in anyway
Cream always comes to the top and the thicker the faster, whereas real vocational talent mingles happily with democracy
The key threat to the free market economy is not communism, but white collar vested interests who strangle it
There is nothing more dishonourable that to rob the robber – Credit Martin ‘The General’ Cahill. Is it that the government is now robbing robbers? Well Enda did promise he would be tough on crime. Not all criminals wear balaclavas and the worst wear suits, white collars and robes; the robed robbers, some now derobed and more in the holding pen awaiting a skinning with the pen.
The only thing reliable about all solicitors is that they will always take you down
Loop holes are for screwing the system but who holds the strings when you are in one? Is this what keeps the Golden Brown envelope circle together?
Changes made across the board for everyone do not apply under the table
Solicitors always give as good as they get but never give more than they get.
Property disputes are more about where you are from as opposed to who owns what; in other words, who belongs to where as opposed to what belongs to whom.
There are lots of ways around a Kerryman and one of them is not straight through him; scientists will point to the risk of reaction with The Kerry Ingredient. And look what happened when one Kerryman tried to drive his carriage and four through Ballythefireside? Those in the carriage now have their trademark burns to show. The urban fox is no match for his country counterpart; and for the avoidance of doubt, not his country cousin. You can fool some of the people some of the time……
Luck is only infinite for those who do not take top many chances; otherwise it runs out
If the law is an ass then those who practice it best must be Smart Asses
The difference between a solicitor and a traitor is that they are spelt differently
The world is now Godless and lawless to the extent that people seriously question if either ever existed
Was Ireland’s Punt on the €uro a good bet?
What happens when the silver bullet hits the pot of Gold?
The only ones worse that the insiders are the middle-men; and there is someone between everyone
We went from Black and White to Colour but the glitz blinded us so we are now back where we started, but nothing will ever be Black and White again
The Gombeen stole our bread, what was arán a bhi
Opinion is kicked about when football is in the air
Something had to give and it wasn't the solicitor
The brown envelope is part and parcel of how things are done
Claws of laws are like the fisherman’s knot; they tighten at every move
The Golden Brown Circle thought money was made round to go ‘round while the Jews believe it is made flat to stack it; the politicians thought it was made of paper to burn while the high roller developers were rolling in it; they are now gone from being rolled in gold to rolling around in something brown and The Rolls is driven away; Wheel of Fortune or what?
Trappings personify the caged, the cagey set traps
The professional poet offers a square deal while Ballythefireside is free range. This point put a bit is finer in our poem entitled Poethics
If the nearest to the altar be the furthest from God then never were so many people closer. Babies aren't the only ones who cry in Church; the collection will be noisy henceforth!
The Golden rule of respect is that parties act to the letter of the law; that's why Ireland is paying people we don't owe anything to with money we haven't got; is the letter of the law in a Golden Brown envelope?
Queen Elizabeth suggested that the Irish should think less about history and the English should think more about it; so we should forget the pain and the old enemy should now scratch their scraws and think about all the trouble they caused?
Kids aren’t the only ones spoilt by having more than their parents
Which has the greater grip, claws or sweet soft lips?
It is a fine line between contact and connection; it is not unknown for a footballer to think he was a boxer, or a solicitor to have his hand in your pocket, everyone's pocket
If people are the greatest asset then where is the service and repair manual?
Facing up to the deluge of change is not wise
The fools who never speculated in property were cute hoors
Thankfully the Gombeen culture of no consequences only applies outside the sports field gate
A little bit of information about a racehorse is almost as dangerous as knowing all about them
Friendships are relationships going through a purple patch
The global McSh*t phenomenon makes it easier to walk over people than around them, making sh*t out of them in the process. In modern retailing this is known as the footfall factor.
Who won the local boom-town rat race?
Sweetness and wholesomeness are opposites
Home-grown talent succeeds on the world stage where it is very handsomely rewarded; Gombeenism succeeds in the backstreets and on the door-steps of our very own communities where it is also very handsomely rewarded; is that why some of our greatest emigrate and others don't?
Some writers use ballpoint pens to put a fine point on a story, others write history by scoring fine points with balls
A successful operation by lawyers is when the patient dies; then the assets are distributed at their will
Always check that the cage is not fragile before rattling it
Law is all about inflated bills being kicked around by worthless balls
Business friends are best friends until reality strikes
Great people rise to challenge, the greatest overcome simplicity
The biggest public enemy is always the political party that most people voted for
Truth is the first casualty in a dispute
A strong man laughs at himself; his strength can also apply to anyone who laugh at him
It only takes one brand to destroy another
You can't teach an old dog new tricks because you can't improve on what works perfectly; what did we hear you say about exceptions?
A culture of no consequences for the baddies is also a culture of no reward for the goodies; this blunts any competitive edge we may have in saving our small open economy from brunt and brutal economic forces of globalisation.
The seed of change does not grown within the gene pool; is it an ill wind? Who sows the seeds of self-destruction though?
He who cannot walk the streets hath no understanding of the law of the street
The unfit team will not win; the unfit solicitor wins when the system is not fit for purpose, when the referee and scorekeeper are cronies and they have territorial advantage; Ballythefirecert, Ballythefireplace, Ballythefireguard and Ballythefireside are proof
The eternal reward for some who took the moral high ground will be a big climb down
The gravest of grave robbers steal from pockets but they do not work in the graveyard
Natural talent suffocates where cronyism has a stranglehold
Change generally falls at the first hurdle of failing to cut loose from the shackles of the past
He who is paid by the clock gives, freely, all of his time, but not for free. As it happens Clock to the Dock is a Ballythefireside work in progress
What kind of following do spiritless leaders inspire?
Critical mass only matters to the spiritless who seek safety in numbers
Due diligence is long over due, and lost most on those paid handsomely to profess it
The cocoon didn't have a port hole the last time you looked in, or were you looking out?
Ireland is now at death’s door, so do we seek transfusion from global riches or do we allow our Gombeen insiders to haemorrhage that last drop of blood and send us off into the sunset of eternal economic oblivion that is debt default?
Good tradesmen and professionals come and go with tail-light guarantees
Youth are revolutionary whereas auld lads go around in circles.
Those with a vocation for success take the bit between the teeth; the Gombeens chew at it.
If economics determines everything then are economic forces more powerful than the military? Without it they certainly wouldn't exist; it is rather interesting how one drives the other.
Regulation creates double standards, for those who can swim in between them and those who can’t; the former sell the latter tickets for the lead life jacket.
The rub of Irish luck is a true toned as a man's own patriotic colours; are the Gombeen’s of envy green and fool’s gold?
Ireland is a paradise where 'the salt of the earth' are led by 'the too sweet to be wholesome’ brigade.
Dark suited skiving Gombeens of the black economy, black cloaked lawyers of dark arts, white collar child abusers and criminals; now who said you can't judge a book by the cover?
The old school boy Gombeen network was wireless long before the computer was even a figment of the imagination; and the reality of this culture is that we are now all now virtually broke.
The rainmaker lawyer starts fires that society quenches by throwing money at. The cupboard might be bare but we will always have money to burn in aid of worthy causes.
Most developed countries have a different way of working; Ireland has a different way of not working
Those who take ownership of a problem have a vested interest in making it as difficult and drawn out as possible
Blunt meeting brunt is bloody brutal.
The Irish emigrant built the world and the patriotic had to blow it up; the Gombeens then turned Ireland into a concrete jungle of toxic dust that blew away a generation, and the rest.
If you want change that is compatible with current practices then you don’t have to do anything, you already have it.
If the Golden Retriever raises concern then ill intent is about; ours scents solicitors miles away
Modesty is something that doesn’t become someone when absence of talent gets in the way
Fact is stranger than fiction because facts are unknown, Covered
Some successful people never look back; they forget where they came from and the friends who helped them along the way; and then they have to go back home and make up with everybody.
He who experiments with magnetic fields often falls in for the greatest land of his life.
There is no money in poetry and no poetry in money; although there is great crack in mixing the two together as we now find
The double dealer does not deal with your likes, he deals in your likes; what he does for you today he does on the double for your enemy tomorrow, with you.
Market Street gets its name from a solicitor who buys and sells people, and nothing to do with a fair day, nothing fair about it at all. Terrorists in the Third World engage in Wildlife Trading and the very worst of them deal in human organs. Where is it safer to live?
The blow-hole is the Gombeen that put wind to the sail of the emigrant.
Does a man with a double life live longer, or shorter?
Fear does not diminish the issue so there is no point, although money is always a worry
People making change for better have to face up to everyone while those who continue to do wrong have nobody against them, and very often everyone behind them
Writing is the art of nesting the quill as it rummages through spilt ink
Solicitors are noted for imposing your Will on themselves and you can’t say a single word about it
If the best things in life are free, then money is the greatest toxin ever known to mankind because it can only buy you the worst
People get stressed when they apply pressure to the wrong point
Can you tell the mob from the democratic majority?
When old friends fall out they become old enemies; and if old friends are best then old enemies are worst
Change for the better must not provide safe harbour for the worst of the past
Defense lawyers build a wall for the prosecutors to knock; space invaders or what?
Wealthy families have more to do in adjusting their children to reality; every cloud has ....
The silent are not the voiceless
Do SOBs ever cry?
The GAA player gives his everything from head to toe, to entertain everybody by playing toe to hand, while living hand to mouth
The safety net is there to protect the little guy but it is only he who filters through it
Many’s the man who delivered the fatal blow, by turning his back to get the aggressor off-guard; we heard of a case where it took all of 20 years
The problem with Gombeen laws and orders is that every unsavoury member of the public gravitates to his level; of the implications ignorance is no excuse
Solicitors are noted for imposing your Will on themselves
The downhill camber with the wind to the back is a perilous treck
Only tried and tested methods bring about change, old ways
The man with a short fuse is seldom lazy
Lawyers point the loaded question at the innocent and subversives point the loaded gun at the enemy; if the pen be mightier than the sword then lawyers should also be made to decommission
Subversives stood accused of offering Hobson’s choice of ‘the gun or the ballot box’; solicitors point the loaded question at the accused stood in the witness box and he has no choice, it doesn’t matter what he says because the solicitor take all no matter how things materialise
Some people are part of the problem while others are part of the solution; the cause of the problem often prevents a solution though and is therefore an essential part of both
A telling moment is often characterised by nobody saying anything
A revealing moment is often characterised by nobody seeing anything
The scruffy boy at the back of the class does the right thing, while the straight creased in the front seat does things perfectly right, and so ends up looking after the minor day to day admin affairs for the former. Of course there is the odd exception when the straight creased was not the brightest and was probably the dirtiest under the scraw.
Some people are lucky they aren’t too brainy while others are unlucky they have too many brains.
A deafening moment is often characterised by silence
There are two thieves who have their hands in all our pockets -Credit my late father Jackie Hegarty, businessman and farmer, Lisselton. He was referring to a local North Kerry solicitor and a politician; did even he realise how right he would actually be proven?
The cliff edge is honey lined of pride and coated in arrogance.
I don't get ulcers, I give them - 'Credit' the late Ben Dunne Senior, although he never gave credit, in any sense of the word, but he sure as hell took a lot of it, obviously; but did he end up with any? They say he left it all behind.
Closure in law is neither retribution nor revenge for the victim
Too much of a good thing is also bad; so alcohol is bad no matter how you take it
The boss who ignores the basics rules a castle of sandy foundation
If you keep doing the wrong thing you fail, which is why all political careers end in failure?
Winning battles does not win the war, avoiding them might; it is all about timing
Only fear itself
The spring clean must be done top-down
The bent and crooked don’t slot
As long as there is a jungle the law of the jungle rules
Change strings some people along with it, others get their heads pulled off; then the chain to the ball that is the Gombeen culture holds us all back?
Of affairs, those closest know either absolutely everything or absolutely nothing
The deeper the greed the more surprising the prize
After the summit is all downhill
The home straight is lined of loud noisers and brown nosers; fair-weather friends
FF is now telling the truth when it claims to represent the less well off; it created them after all
The gun loaded of alcohol is often fitted with a faulty timer
The unhappy whistler is guilty
Those who suffer Catholic guilt are not as bad as they think
Those at the top lead from the front while those at the bottom wait for the crumbs to be passed back
If drink brings out the truth in people do pioneers live a lie?
What is the difference between thick skin and a well insulated scull?
When it is a question of ethics the answer is unethical
It is the light seed that blows-in.
Never hit a man with advice when he is down; and so when in trouble the last man you go to is an advisor
People that others look up to never look down on anyone.
People reach different heights in life and then we are all lowered down to the same level.
Media people are trained in how to communicate, not in what they communicate; having more confidence than capability is not part of The Kerry Ingredient, not at all
Do those who shoot from the hip always shoot themselves in the foot?
Darkness is the natural habitat of the visionary, his Kingdom; outside of it is he lost?
Fitting and filling the shoes are not the same as following the footsteps
How is it that the world’s oldest profession is illegal while all of the others that are there to protect their members are coveted?; what does it say of society?
Some save for a rainy day while others put a bit aside for a Sun holiday
He who doesn’t roll with the punches often gets rolled by them and seldom regains his composure
P.S. 1 What we would all love to know is did the intending American tourist get his voice back, and were his medical expenses reimbursed by the solicitor? The poor lad, we hope he had more luck with his claim than others had down the years, ourselves included.
P.S. 2 There are reports on local flooding in the Listowel basin along the N69. Gardai have appealed to the Robert Pierse to stop crying.
P.S. 3 Hitler O'Neill need have no worries; just as all Gombeens have a place in the fire, we will not leave you out in the cold. As we said, the knife is on the stones, and the stones are heating up. Almighty God but the flames in The Park are hot Jim. BTW how's business? Did you sell the fireplace yet? The moral of the story is that it is only natives who can hold The Ballytheanything and that is why your fingers got burnt. Never touch what is hot, hot property, a Jazus more puns. The pen of Ballythefireside is quare n' hot though Jim, The pen be hotter than the paw of the bad law man, burns the paw of bad law. Now where is Ballythefiregarda.... ah we're away again; did you ever hear of a fireguard stealing the fireplace; and what's more he brought it back again. Next they'll tell us Ballythefireplace has legs, wings, wheels, a jet engine or is it a halogen balloon?
P.S. 4 What did Ballythefireplace say to Bertie?
P.S. I don't love you.
P.S. 5 Given the hard times that are in it Ballythefireside has identified two new product opportunities, Anti-Laughing and Anti-Crying pills; and demand in North Kerry alone will make it all viable. Now all we need is a bit of genetic research to eradicate the Gombeen gene, the Gombgene as it is called. You see you have to be Born a Gombeen to sit on Bord Na Gombeen; hard to beat breeding. Maybe we could team up with that daughter of Chairman Hill’s who is doing all that genetic research with horses in UCD and, and yeah; ah you’re quick, our own pair of blue boyos, Gerry and Nacie in their own Jennetic research. Their findings have been remarkable although they fell down in the interpretation. They got the rest right but drew the wrong conclusions; Ballythefireside would challenge their hypothesis on two counts. 1. That man can be born in two places, that is the same man. 2. That twins can be conceived of by different fathers. But here is what we all missed; if man can be born in two places and he, or is it they?, never left the house/es then he/they would be as good two men and so could prove their Jennetic theory conclusive. And of course we now know 'the man as good as two men' could only have been one Nacie as he is the only man known to be, well born in two places. i.e. The only man who proved he could be in two places at the same time. We'll keep that Dawkins fella fairly busy from now on and he won't have half so much auld chatter out of him. Reopen The Kerry Bobbies Case my lord! ET come home, all is forgiven.
P.S. 6 Jim and his Clueless Klux Clan should drop the vigilantism and leave law enforcement to the good office of An Garda Síochána; that's what they are there for and paid for!
P.S. 7 What song would Ballythefireside serenade Ballythefirepair with?
Bring back my Ballythefireplace to me
P.S. 8 If you are interested in knowing more about Gombeens please log onto their website www.Conology.Con The format of individual member email addresses is their name with lots of space of course, @Gombeen.Con
P.S. 9 We have been inundated with sales enquiries about the Bill Clinton statue and no, it is not for sale if only because it is used for demonstration purposes. I mean what retailer in the whole world has an ex US President advertising their wares in person right outside the premises on the street. Then again for the right offer a Ballythefiresale would no doubt get due consideration.
P.S. 10 What is another term for a stretch?
In the nick of time.
P.S. 11 And then some bright spark from Castlebar of all places claims that the pair that is Pierse and Rice are known locally as Pricey, or is it Priceless, or maybe Nicey Pricey? Ah never Dicey Pricey? Well costly anyway as we found, very. After Ballythefirecert will we now have Ballythebirthcert?
P.S. 12 Ballythefireside has received a tip off about the book of the year in the making. It is a book on Quantum, which to you and me is how much you can claim on insurance, the quantity as it were. Published by Butterworths the 2012 edition is written as usual by Robert and edited by one Enda Kenny. The final chapter shows how to get 150% discount and as we all know our Enda used the formula to great effect himself. So now the next time you sit on the electric chair and the landlord starts charging rent you know what to do.
And you’d have to wonder where this name Butterworth came from, butter and butter on it of course but now all the butter is gone, the proverbial hit the fan didn’t it, Butterworthless. So now Pricey is, are, well Priceless, and isn't it, they, just!
There is also a reference in Butterworthless to the DNA of The Gombeens who try to raid the public purse and, wait for it, they have made a discovery about a discovery, they have defined that DNA is the abbreviation for Dicey Nicey Associates; you know, the type who are all goodie two shoes and then they hang at the first opportunity. You’d have to wonder where the name came from and one wonders if it anything to do with the school of Jennetics? You know, the one where big, bouncy, bobbies can be born in two different places, hopefully not at the same time and we are assuming not to two different mothers. In some cases they can even be put in by two different daddies and which hopefully was, or is it were, also at different times and places. We're now even testing grammar.
So there are two conceptions and two deliveries and we end up with one and only the one bobby. Well that is based on what little evidence we have anyway, we only have their word and which counts for very little as it happens. Gosh but he must be some specimen, a rare breed, the rarest of rare breeds.
Lord jazus what are they at? Ah no, don’t shoot the messenger, we are only conveying what they said, good honest reporting of the facts. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help us God.
You see the Ballythebirthcert records are there to prove it, just check Stella Maris Nursing Home in Athlone and Castlebar General. Well that was the ‘goods out’ anyway. As for the ‘goods in’ well let’s say it was all down to good Supply Chain Management, Family Planning by the DNA species, Human Resource Scheduling, Load Management, Logistics, Stock Control.
You know but it reminds of that subplot in John B's great book The Contractors when Dan Murray regaled to his English bedfellow of the noises the Lowsters he would hear of the Hillsters of a night. So and so’s third this week and be jazus but didn’t it get right confusing when they all roared together. Now don’t say it but surely Nacie isn’t one of our own, maybe a bit of one of our own? That Gombeen DNA sequence code took some brains to crack alright and you can have it on good account that there isn’t a fibre of The Kerry Ingredient in this species, not even a distant cousin, not even a connection. A different species and thank God for that. As they say things might be bad but thankfully not that bad.
P.S. 13 Ballythefireside also received information that Ballythefirepair would be known in his townland as
RoboCop, and that their courier division has been re-branded as Robo-direct. Jazus are they now moving into robbing banks or what? Sure ‘twould be a change, an inside job, one of our own, although that wouldn’t be much of a change.
P.S. 14 And just when we thought we had heard it all, again, what happens? Deenihan puts his foot in it, again. And what is worse we all knew about it, again. A Listowel observer insists that we are merely scratching the surface here and that there is a major conspiracy about to unfold. Her theory is that Ballythefireplace and Ballythefirecert were only precursors to, well her theory is that stealing a fireplace and then trying to deprive people of turf could only be connected, and how could anyone disagree? So now we have Ballytheturfgate. Where will it all end? Will it ever end? Would you want it to end?
P.S. 15 Another wee ode to our pair of heros.
Point of No Return
Ballythefireside bends and burns the ear
but Robocop it only their finger tips burned
For this Ballythefiresidepair already be bent
dimwits now past the point of no return
When targeting loot in future
they might be somewhat discerning
Meanwhile of thief the people must live in fear
it’s cops and robbers that be of most grave concern
Thieves to the crime scene repair
but this pair haven already been, return
Report crime to the cops and looks who turns up
the mind boggles, or does it?, the stomach churns
If this Ballythefiresidepair Robocop pair
be past the point of no return
Does it mean they be unrelenting in their path of destruction
or that they will not to Ballythefireside, again, return?
Maybe that they are now known to offend, re-offend
they will to the authorities adjourn
Isn’t that what thieves should do when caught, over to you pair
your time has come, do as you say, now your turn
P.S. 15 It has now also been confirmed that the subsequent meeting of The Golden Brown Circle was opened with The Johnny Cash number 'Ring of Fire'.
P.S. 16 Good Innings
Some don the jersey
when there’s work to be done
Others take off the shirt
to take the heavy load
Then there be the Gombeen traitor
who burnt the jersey at the post
Or the insider who wears green on stage
working under cover to camouflage ill intent
P.S. 17 If Ballythefireside ever suggested that the town of Listowel was going through a barren period as regards literary talent then that isn't entirely true. An Anthony man tells us that the difference between Robert and another Legal Eagle, well, ex Legal Eagle, is that Robert lost his shirt whereas his counterpart lost his frock. Now which is worse with the tide out?
Anthony who we suspect might once have been an officer of the law, also volunteered a bit of inside info. He tells of a local laddo who is penning a kind of a ghost take of Mícheál O Muircheartaigh’s great book From Dun Sion to Croke Park. This one is entitled From Listowel to Blackhall Place, and Back. While Anthony wouldn’t reveal the ghost author he did hint that he might have had a street in the town named after him.
Now wouldn’t it be a great idea to have two parts to this no doubt great book in the making. The first could be say Upper William Street and that would detail the journey to Blackhall Place and the high life that it was. And, ah yeah, you got it, Lower William Street could then tell all about life thereafter, the and Back part. Sure that Muircheartaigh lad with all his auld chat is only half the man our local scribe in the making is, and sure Listowel made and shaped many a man.
Better still it could be trilogy, with the middle bit telling us all about the turning, you know, why he came back to us. What he did, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Now that would be a change, a turning in itself, another turning. Anthony himself suggested this part could also be sub-titled From Church Street to William Street and here are we wondering would it be around the one-way or did he shortcut the backway, and get caught?
And then they could top it all out with Ballythefirecert, just to complete the tale of woes. Move over John Grisham, sure Kingdom County wipes the floor with your Ford County. The Kerrywayward difference, The Gangway, The Gombeen Gangway, The Backway, Swayed, The Takeaway, The Highway, The Getaway, The Runaways who didn't get away, well they didn't get their own way anyway although they were heard singing I did it My Way.
P.S. 18 And hey presto, we have a contribution from Dublin 7 would you believe, the square mile of the Golden Circle for those of you who didn’t know. We are talking Four Goldmines territory here, the seat of the spiritual leadership. HQ, where we get hung, drawn and quartered by those at the head, headcases!
Anyway our learned friend tells us that Robert was quoted lately as saying that he never saw a man to be bettered by doing a stretch inside. Now could he be getting cold feet or what?
And sure isn’t bad circulation the cause of that ailment so we should now all be ashamed of ourselves because he really did need Ballythefireside although someone should have told him that it would be of no use without Ballythefireplace. Sorry Robert, so so sorry, although we did burn you, even if it was the fingers and not the toes!
This D7 character also confirms that our Robert, you know, one of our own, is now not wanted up above either. As the man says an upstairs and a downstairs, but no stairs! And just to think that he had to return the keys of all those 125 houses, and each one had a stairs you bet.
Remember it was bad circulation that caused the problem so is it that he was outed from The Golden Circle? Everything would suggest that such be the case!
P.S. 19 Cast Iron Cases
Our Ballythefirepair of RoboCop
be into cast iron cases
But the light fingers got burnt
lifting cast iron Ballythefireplace
Cast iron be heat resistant
but temptation resistant to hot cash they be not
The long arm of the law stretched too far
at Lisselton Cross they failed to stop
The cargo be too heavy for Ballythefirepair
they should have been in their cot
Auld men past their bedtime
it all got too hot and heavy for RoboCop
P.S. 20 As a Golden Rule
If man be worried of his good name
he himself should have thought of that first
Libel law be of what said
that be true or false
If it all be true
then nothing wrong
If it be false then to another poor soul
the slander can only belong
So it not matter what be right
and what be wrong
But maybe who be right
and who be wrong?
It takes influence in law
to tip a case
And there be but one species on the inside track
in such mumbo jumbo, big word rat race
Those who lead us
into that ring, their ring
And us who get sent down
at their whim
Then there be tribunals
exempt from jail, only condemn
Milking the system and charging us for it
ingredients for financial mayhem
The Golden Rule be
it is one law for us and one for them
Law be a game of double standards
around which the Golden Brown Circle spins
Doesn't matter who be saint
or serial sinner
Heads you lose
tails they win
Sing it or poet it
drumbeat or violin
That's how ‘twas before
and that's how 'twill end
P.S. 21 The Cuckoo Blues 'n' Twos
One of our own, another literary commentator, has told of an rare and emerging breed within the Gombeen family. They be known as The Cuckoo Blues 'n' Twos and they be of the G Force who discovered too late in life that their calling was not for Templemore.
In Listowel we have The Cuckoo Blue Two who believe they are of literary gift although we would say this in this case the second calling might have been a biteen early.
Of course the dilemma is that although fine big men, they not be equal to the task of toning down their material, for fact be stranger than fiction. Anyway sure the brand is good and in Listowel we be known to wrap a goat in the local literary jersey and call him a writer and nobody was the wiser, nobody or no goat.
After handing in their cards, in cases having to do so, these returned, war torn heroes have one defining feature. They believe in their own greatness, and over and above the rest of us. Sure such blockbuster stuff has queues longer than you’d see outside a solicitor’s office for personal injury claims and that’s speaks volumes.
The heads on them alone and then the lingo would testify as to what to expect. A politician who once told the truth said of them ‘if it quacks ’tis a duck.’
As the man says the Assets and Liabilities are equal on The Balance Sheet of The Literary Capital. Is it how Liability is the ability of Bill to tell porkies or what?
P.S. 22 There's always One, Wan!
A Mícheál Ó'Muircheartaigh wannabe regales of them getting the warmest of receptions and that Ballythefireplace has become the standard bearer. He reckons that it was only a practice run, a Ballythefiredrill, and while they ran alright, they hardly escaped. No, there was no Ballythefireescape, no Ballythefireescaping, no getting away from it. What was really shocking though was the first degree burns they got on their Ballythefirearms. Now that is what we call an education, first class honours degree to boot, caught in possession of Ballythefireball, or was it is receipt of stolen property, hot property? The problem is that the education was wasted because they re-offend. Just like cleaning out the cows, you can depend on them to do the dirt again, and that is not comparing faithful Daisy The Kerry Cow to these gangsters. Sure they milk her dry too!
P.S. 23 Viral Zone, CAO and All Bar Wan
We are now surely in viral zone, a Gombeen Free Zone of course. We only print a small sample of the feedback but we keep them all and you’d never know when they’d come in handy.
The latest revelation is that we now have a grass, one of the insiders has come out. But unusually it is with a question as opposed to an answer. The grass wants to know who issued The Compulsory Acquisition Order for Ballythefireplace? Hmmmm.... Interesting. Now could it have been Dicey Ricey himself, maybe Ballythefirefoxnews, herself …. the list of suspects is long and Paddy Power are giving 1,000-1, Bar One, Bar Wan. That Ó'Muircheartaigh lad was spot on again telling us that there's always wan! Now who could wan be? Who has the track record in this field? We will have to ask the Gardai, or maybe The Watch Man. Was it the same wan that issued the CAO for Ballythefireside one wonders?
P.S. 24 The Quiet Man
We have also had a tip off that Ballythefireplace was possibly only part of the Tour De G Force on The New Line on that fateful night, but they had difficulty with stealing another one locally, because it was an open fireplace, Paddy 'Bawn' Enright's fireplace! Metal thieves with no metal in every sense of the word, and with no sense, Cast Iron cases getting caught in Ballythelineoffire, Ballyrthefireline, Ballythefiringline! RoboCop Ballythefirepair, both from either End On The New Line getting Clotheslined as The centrifugal Lartigue turntable winched them in. Now strangled be The Golden Brown Circle. There are a lot of Very Quiet Men around these days and someone tells us that some voices are even barred. Is it a case of the naked man cannot talk, although we still can't shut him up.
P.S. 25 Famous People
Ballythefireside has also been reminded that not alone is Billy The Kid a local but that Robert James, father of American outlaw Jessie James was born in nearby Asdee.
P.S. 26 The Unholy Trinity
Some say the devil is dead
and buried in Killarney
More say he rose again
more say he rose again
And joined the Listowel branch
of The Irish Law Society
Then there are those
who claim it is an unholy trinity
Of the father, the son
and the unholy ghost
The Lartigue turntable swung
and derail did the ghost gravy train
Now the country be broke
and the Feale valley roasted
P.S. 27 A local FF laddo tells us that where Operation Ballythefireplace fell apart was that Ballythefirepair were acting on inside information that turned out to be hot, well obviously. Apparently they didn't realise the home fires were burning. There be no smoke without fire says the FF latchico and boy but aren’t times a changing. Imagine that, a FF geezer talking fact, only to be proven right.
P.S. 28 A reformed shoplifter tells us that we have upset them. Having being diagnosed as Kleptomaniacs they now feel that they will be branded as being part of the Kleptocracy that is the self-regulation of solicitors and Gardai. The reformed individual in question is worried they could be classed the same as RoboCop. On a lighter note they suggest that a solicitor who knowingly corrupts title deeds of a family home should be called a Housekeeper. What about a Houselifter, or a Fireplacelifter?
P.S. 29 And now we be told that stealing a house is like copying a class act. Are they referring to stealing the plot or what? Losing the plot? Sure you can't have a house without a plot, no more than you can have a fireplace without a house. And with out all these you can't have a fireside. And now we can't not have a Ballythefireside. And a word of warning - Ballythefireside like Ballythefreplace is here to stay and anyone with other ideas should study history.
P.S. 30 A man of the cloth now tells us that RoboCop broke at least two commandments; Thou shalt not steal and Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house. If the hit took place on a Sunday then they didn't keep the Sabbath free. And if they adore false gods then their final tally is four.
P.S. 31 An email came in from Sean, an emigrant, to the effect that the Golden Circle were to be commended as local literary life will now be rejuvenated with the reservoir of local material they uncapped.
Well said so credit where it is due but don't get carried away Sean, pun not intended. You see it isn't that there aren't matching debits there Sean, and like Germoney, we won’t be writing it off. Na, no debt forgiveness for the unrepentant.
P.S. 32 No stopping now, "There's a hole in Robert's bucket', Dear Liza". Very dear Liza, €2.5m down the drain! Now who didn't replace that manhole cover? Sure the system needs priming, a slush fund, Standard and Poor, or is it Moodys?
P.S. 33 The Watchman let it slip that he received sound information from a regular and reliable source that O’Neill was first on the scene on that fateful night, and which he duly Walkie-talkied on to Clue Bay
P.S. 34 Seán in New York reports that RoboCop and Ballythefirepair are better known as The Ranboys and boy will we get some tune out of the fiddle! He also tells us that it was a skirmish they started that resulted in St Stephen's Day being renamed Boxing Day.
P.S. 35 And Páidí also had a good one about the boyos in blue, and even when he was wan of them himself, although he had one failing in their eyes, he was unable to write a summons! Anyway the story goes that he was sent to raid a pub one night and subsequently returned with a still clean summons book. His alibi was that there was no money changing hands so he assumed all those ‘found on’ were, well, the force, out in force. Now there's living proof that fact be stranger than fiction, although you'd have to say that this is all very much at the lower level in the wider scheme of things.
This also reminds of another somewhat similar event when a lenient officer had but one summons to his name; he did a German tourist for not having a dog license. And we wont go into what the judge thought off all this, suffice as to say that when asked to comment on the charge that his dog was ‘wandering’ he replied that he was ‘wondering’ how this man became a policeman.
P.S. 36 Then there was the telegram complimenting Ballythefireside on the warmest of welcome that was extended to RoboCop. Let The Gathering take note, although we would be more interested in The Scattering as there are some we could do without.
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